For better or for worse, getting bullied a lot and being the most university hated kid in my middle school prepared me for a lifetime of antagonistic emails and snarky internet arguments so that nothing that people say online or at work will produce an emotional response from me.
Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
531–540 of 653 posts
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#532[deleted]
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#533You couldn’t feel that way if you had no doubt or did not care about your level or worth as a developer. So you do care about how others perceive your level and you are not totally convinced that your self evaluation is right.
I would say don’t judge yourself too much. You don’t have to be perfect (especially if you are not, and nobody is). You probably are in this business to learn, so give yourself some room to learn a bit (or a lot!) more. People that criticize your work may be wrong. Don’t take their criticisms as absolute truth. In case you feel they may be right, drop your ideas right away, ruthlessly steal theirs and make them yours. This is how you don’t get stuck in local minima. You don’t have to care about having been wrong, there are more constructive things to do.
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#534Kudos on the realisation and desire to improve. There are a couple of tricks you can use, especially when it’s asynchronous textual communication: Assume positive intentions from the other person. Imagine them as having written with a genuine smile on their faces. Don’t think of it as them versus you, but you and them together against the problem. That defaults ambiguity to the more pleasant side and allows you to re…
Stopping myself from replying immediately has saved my bacon more than a few times.
If you must, write the response then delete it. I believe that was an old Lincoln trick. He wrote mean response letters to people and then put them in his desk draw and never sent them.
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#535Earlier quoted context omitted.
Can you give an example of "insults"? I have to say this line of thinking really bewilders me... perhaps I've never worked in an environment with this kind of toxicity. Typically the sensitivity level of feedback in my experience has encroached into things like "Don't give 10 comments on a PR, its too many and people feel bad" (regardless of the number of faults in the code).
abusive parents lead me to reading through this. truly can scar someone for life not having a good study environment as they develop, im still trying my best to be better at studying given the help of my s/o but some days it feels actually impossible to absorb and internalize things since its truly mental anguish I'm fighting through. it would certainly help if my s/o would be understanding instead of flat out disapp…
Recommendation you didn't ask for (just skip if not open to it).
Seven principles for making marriage work[1] - has great advice for many sorts of committed romantic relationships.
Also if he's criticizing you as you described he may want to consider talk therapy/CBT to come to an understanding of the nature of his frustrations and his inability to productively communicate them to you.
[1:] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Princip...
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#536by recognizing that
1. i am human 2. humans are all fallible 3. we all make mistakes 4. i am not my work
I also fully believe that every time someone points out something i've misunderstood, or a way I could have done things "better" it's a gift that teaches me how to get better at what i do. "Stupid" mistakes like, typos or forgetting to do something you know all about are just part of being a falliable human.
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#537Earlier quoted context omitted.
There is an excellent TED talk on the relationship between self-worth and procrastination that also, like you, makes a point about separating "me and my work" [1]. Watching this about a year ago was eye opening to me and I wished I'd found this video when I started studying in college! [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52lZmIafep4
Well, I have a problem here, because other than work there's not much going on in my life. No wife or kids, no fancy hobbies... I guess I really need to get more social :)
This was a big issue for me in my early 20s. I did a lot of work to ensure that my life outside of work was as interesting to me as my work life. If you don't have that balance, it is really hard to disconnect your work from your self-worth.
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#538Earlier quoted context omitted.
I’ve heard similar statements from other people, and I have a disconnect that prevents me from understanding. Why would someone want to detach their self worth from what they do? If someone ought not feel a negative emotion in response to doing something “bad”, by what logic can they justify feeling something positive in response to doing something “good”? I cannot conceive of a world view that allows one to feel pro…
The pro tip is to attach your self worth not to your skill, but to it's first derivative! That way any criticism that helps you improve your game, no matter how unpleasantly delivered, is a power up. I say it glibly, like it's easy, but it works if one can internalize it.
I do like this (and the way you phrased it!) but I do think it has a dark side - there will come a time in your life where your skills plateau, and another time in your life where your skills start to decrease. Actually both of these will probably happen many times in your life!
It's important to recognize the ebb and flow and to be kind to yourself.
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#539How do you take criticism outside of work? It feels like an exercise in self-reflection. It is easy to attribute code to intelligence, but it is not that simple. When people say "This code is no good", you need to realize that their delivery in feedback, while flawed, could stand to hold some truth, and that doesn't make you any less intelligent. I've been writing software for well over a decade and the most impactful thing I've learned is to lean into and embrace my failures. Try to remove ego from the situation as much as possible. Good luck.
Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?
#540“Man’s search for meaning” is a book that partly teaches that regardless of the situation, you have control over how you react. I take this to mean regardless of your day, you can still choose to be happy. I’ve had similar communication woes to you, and it’s easier for me to remember I do not control the feedback (or it’s tone, content, etc) but I do control my reaction to it. So if you want to improve as a person, you can do that by having a positive reaction even if you don’t feel that way.