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Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#531

Post by Apocryphon »

vjulian wrote: post #357
soheil wrote: post #339

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What? No it's like format whatever that shit is and install Ubuntu.

Still not following, but I think that is a function of the medium. I think the US therapist industry is a symptom of its culture and relative lack of community. There is an important role for mental health professionals, don’t get me wrong. I’m referring more to the industry of mental health.

What other countries are you thinking about? Certainly in other nations with higher degrees of religiosity and intact community, people may share their issues with clerical figures.

Certainly the American mental health industry, especially the pharmaceutical component, is skewed by all sorts of misaligned incentives. But I doubt that Europeans, Canadians, or Australians are not taking advantage of therapy options offered by national health systems.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#532

Post by larkinnaire »

You're not alone -- a lot of this resonates with me, but I (also in my 40s) might be a little further along in my journey and have a few more resources to draw on. But I feel this.

The most important thing: therapy. Don't spend too much time finding a therapist -- take the first one with an opening. If you don't get along with them, ask for a referral or use a method discussed in other comments. But the important thing is to start. Many therapists will do video calls now. Medication can also be effective.

Some more good stuff about your life: * You're not too old for marriage or even kids. Guys are lucky in that respect -- we have an easier time finding partners and having kids when we're older. * You took an important step: you posted this question. I am terrified to do any such thing about my own problems, so I respect you a lot for it. * You had a network before, and professional networks are more resilient than you think. If a co-worker from 10 years ago emailed me out of the blue, I'd be happy to talk to them. I think you'd be happy to talk to your old colleagues, so why the assumption that they wouldn't respond to you? That's an example of catastrophizing thinking. A therapist can help you with that better than HN randos...but still, asking HN randos is a good step to take! * It's not a given that the best of your life is behind you. Every part of your life can be the prime of your life if you value the things that part of your life has to offer.

Good luck, friend.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#534

Post by docmars »

yodsanklai wrote: post #407
jfk13 wrote: post #246

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you'll excuse me saying -- and I may be totally misreading your comment -- it sounds like what you were looking for (and finding) so easily in the past wasn't really a partner , at least in the life-long sense, but rather a string of casual relationships. That's not at all the same thing as wanting a wife and kids.

Not really, I had many long term relationships, and shorter ones in between. I wasn't a super popular man, but attractive enough that I could always find partners with reasonable efforts. But in any case, I think it's not that different as wanting a wife and kids. You need to be able to seduce someone, whether it's for a casual relationship, or for marriage. It's start with physical attraction either way. I don't thi…

> I want to get married and have kids"

I think this just comes off as moving too quickly. After a few weeks of successful dates and comfort levels built, I've found this to be acceptable to mention casually, especially in a conversation meant for discussing goals.

It also softens things to say it like "Yea, someday I want to be married and have kids" but in a tone that doesn't include the woman you're dating yet.

They already know you're dating them presumably for this goal if you mention it, but it also communicates you aren't desperate and already thinking this far ahead with this person (even though you probably already are).

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#535

Post by mikenyc »

Hey man - Have so many feelings and thoughts in reading this. First, I'm sorry you're suffering. As an obviously articulate and educated person who is in reality fairly young, I'm 100% confident you have so much more potential than you're giving yourself credit for. Also, as you can see from all these responses, there's more compassion and empathy out there than it might feel like. It's ok to reach out to people for help. It's great that you took this step. I hope all these replies can serve as positive motivation/momentum for you!

I completely understand how deeply you feel these things, but I hope it empowers you a bit to know that I for one am 100% certain you absolutely can find love, have kids and get a job in your 40s.

You mentioned wanting to move back to the US, which could be a great medium/long term goal. If that feels like what you want, I'd consider setting this as a goal on the horizon and then working backwards from there to put together a realistic plan for how to achieve this. Otherwise, set a different med/long term goal like moving to some other location you prefer or maybe getting a certain type of job. Setting a clear goal and then planning towards it can have a remarkable impact on getting shit done. It doesn't need to be perfect. You can adjust your goal and your plan as you go. Take baby steps, and celebrate the small wins along the way.

Finally, since you have an engineering educational background, with remote work and online resources these days, my sense is that it would be so much easier than you feel to brush up your skills and start working again. The world is big and filled with quite a few CRUD apps! I don't have enough context to know what fits for you, but there are so many tutorials and online courses that walk you through practical exercises to build real stuff. Once you set a goal and put together a sketch of a plan, consider if it feels right to pick some online courses/tutorials and build some stuff to refresh your skills and give you some recent work to point employers/clients to. Some that I just happen to have seen lately: Buildspace (fun weekend coding projects), Replit has coding tutorials. I always like Michael Hartl's Rails Tutorial.

I hope some of this is helpful.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#536

Post by simmschi »

20 and 30 year olds, take note how often health is mentioned in this thread.

One of the best investments into your future self that you can make is to take care of your health, both physical and mental.

I know this sounds like grandpa talking, but drink moderately, don't smoke, eat healthy, do some sports. You won't be indestructible forever and small damages and bad habits accumulate.

Your 40 year old self will thank you.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#537

Post by mancerayder »

kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

> You need to see a therapist

You should reword that. Otherwise how did humanity last this long? Psychotherapy is less than two centuries old. You should instead say something like, "One option is to see a therapist."

There are friends, elders, books, and a number of other ways to climb out of a mental rut. Traipsing "Psychology Today" for a therapist who will charge the insurance $150 for 40 minutes of a session, through Zoom no less, with your $40 co-pay after deductibles is such a commercial approach to what is fundamentally a human problem.

You know a very modern problem? You can't sit easily and talk with friends over a drink about your issues and have someone give you constructive advice. Everyone is remote, busy, prefers chatting online, and as a result a lot of loneliness manifests as "Oh my god, what am I doing with my life."

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#538

Post by decentrality »

Yes. Every story and background will vary, but to the question: absolutely, yes.

People seem to be advocating for various forms of therapy, and that can be fine, but I believe you have a genuine mid-life crisis going, and ought to ride that like a wave. You have a lot of potential it seems like, but lack really great guides and collaborators on shared goals.

I am aware of independent coaching that addresses everything you said, and there are plenty of people who can relate and advise in your circumstance. Someone needs to argue with you long enough for you to see that your outlook is not right or wrong, but ineffectual, inferior to your actual standard of living. That is what is peeking through here: a higher standard that will make or break you.

Your outlook is dark but the other side from where you are does make this crisis worth it. You seem at the edge of understanding there is something else, not just something more. From there, all your dilemmas are solvable smoothly in due course. It is similar to the entry of a higher math into a previously inscrutable problem domain. You just need that higher math, to wield it expertly and advance its edge, and for it to click into your way of seeing all situations and your life overall.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#539

Post by mancerayder »

yodsanklai wrote: post #131
necovek wrote: post #10

I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardles…

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men Finding a partner becomes hard, especially if you expect her to be 5-10 years younger. I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder.

> I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder.

You're also most likely much more selective. In your 20's and 30's, there's no feeling of a clock ticking.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#540

Post by adaml_623 »

soheil wrote: post #335
renewedrebecca wrote: post #310

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure why you've been downvoted. This is absolutely true. I would however be careful equating having kids to being successful in life. At best, they can be a joy to have. At worst, they can be little sources of chaos and stress that you can pass your own worst traits to.

Can't you deselect your worst traits with IVF?

You could carefully choose an egg donor and a sperm donor who don't exhibit your bad traits. And then pay for someone else to raise the child. Dodge nature and nurture
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