Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

First of all, I'm sorry that you're suffering. It seems completely normal that you'd be struggling given all you've been through. I know what that sense of despair feels like, and how lonely it can be. I've been there, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I wouldn't say I've "turned my life around", but I'm 40 and in the last few years I've gone through a loss of my faith and a divorce (unrelated to each other), both of which were incredibly traumatic and really shook the foundations of my world. During the darkest days, it was really a crucible, a refining process. It was stripping away so much of what I had built my identity around.

The most transformative and healing things for me have been therapy, psychedelics, meditation, and divorce. I'm not recommending them all to everyone, but they changed me for the better.

And coming out the other side, I have such a better relationship with myself. I barely recognize myself from before. And as a result, I have a better relationship with my daughter, my friends, my family, my work, even with my ex-wife. I feel so much happier and more excited for the second half of my life than I ever have. I'm in a new relationship that feels open and healthy, and I'm planning to switch careers to be a therapist.

If you like to read, two foundational books that helped me:

- Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

- Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis

Good luck, you can do this!

PS - my email is in my profile, please don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. I was helped through this period by many other kind people, some of them strangers, and I'm always happy to pay it forward and lend an ear and some support to anyone who needs it. That goes for anyone reading this too!

It is when I forget these truths that I start to believe that my unfulfilled needs are due to something outside of my own ability to influence. A bitterness arises towards you who have these things and I construct stories about how you are doing something wrong or that I am superior to you simply because I have the strength to withstand not having those needs met.

Beneath the shell, the facade, is a simpler but more difficult to digest truth. That my own need goes unfulfilled and I am angry about it.

And here I find a self-destructive behavior. You have a desire to help me get or create what I need in my life. But my pride and fear of being vulnerable gets in the way. And underneath it, the shame of being a burden.

With force I push back all attempts at kindness and care. I cling to the shell of bitterness and anger.

In this moment I try to ask myself:

    Can I acknowledge to myself that there is something I can change that could change everything for me?
    Can you actually WANT to share without a hidden agenda?
    Can I let go of my pride a little, just enough to receive the help?

I let go of the need to be alone I let go of the need to increase my pride through criticizing others and being bitter towards them I accept the basic goodness of my fellow humans, even if I feel betrayed by them I let go of self-criticism and accept that I too am fundamentally worthy of love

I create the opportunity for meaningful and loving interactions to exist in my reality

The world has enough villains. I let go of my bitterness, because I have understood that it deeply reflects my own shame and guilt. With that, I forgive myself for my self-justification and judgment of others.

I choose to live in a world where I can be vulnerable and open to receiving love and care. A world where I can give love and care to others without reservation.

It has no relevance with regards to my knowledge.