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Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

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Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#51

Post by fnewz »

edw519 wrote: post #34

Some things are made to hack and some things just aren't. You are wanting to hack something that just wasn't ever meant to be hacked. The solution to your problem is so simple it's actually rather elegant: Just care about the other person. If you genuinely care, you'll have no problem finding things to talk about. You'll be asking questions, not because you're following a flowchart or playing a game, but because you…

You hit it right on the head.

Getting to know a person isn't a technical skill that you master and practice at will. (Granted, parts of the process, like choosing interesting topics and getting a feel for what the other person wants to talk about is sort of a skill gained by practice).

Really getting to know a person requires you to actually care what the other person thinks. Almost all else will follow.

Someone here mentioned that they dislike smalltalk so much that they forget the other person's name right after the smalltalk ends. That's just one example of many of what happens if you contrive to talk to someone without actually caring about them.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#52

Post by anonymous_5 »

In general: Join Toastmasters, it will help with small talk and making speeches. Learn to tell jokes, a conversation is much easier if the other person is relaxed and laughing. Be well read and know how to argue in a non-confrontational manner. It is not always necessary to use the large blunt object to make a point.

If you are looking to get married and you need help meeting someone then google 'Doc Love' and read his free stuff or listen to his internet radio show. I was referred to a counselor for this sort of thing by a friend, the counselor was teaching the same methods of recognizing what is being communicated (by her and by me)

I tend not to notice non-verbal behavior or know what message I'm sending except in formal situations. At the time I wasn't ready for the information so it was frustrating. Later through I was and it has helped.

If you have problems with recognizing non-verbal behavior look into the work of Paul Ekman; again very helpful.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#53

Post by copenja »

grandalf wrote: post #11

What makes you think you're socially compatible with most people? I think the key is realizing that you will probably only click with a small number of people. In my case, I click amazingly well with highly educated, ambitious, often nerdy people, and horribly with people who are really into sports or drinking. So just striking up a random conversation is unlikely ever to be particularly interesting for me. As a resu…

Sorry, but I don't %100 agree with this statement:

"Definitely stay away from petty compliments about earrings"

Women love small compliments...

The key is to be genuine about it. Do not just pick a random article of clothing and compliment it. Only mention things that truly strike you as unique and beautiful.

But admittedly it isn't the best way to start small talk with a stranger.

The conversation from there on will be colored with the idea that you are hitting on her.

But she won't find it creepy either, if done correctly.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#54

Post by grandalf »

copenja wrote: post #53
grandalf wrote: post #11

What makes you think you're socially compatible with most people? I think the key is realizing that you will probably only click with a small number of people. In my case, I click amazingly well with highly educated, ambitious, often nerdy people, and horribly with people who are really into sports or drinking. So just striking up a random conversation is unlikely ever to be particularly interesting for me. As a resu…

Sorry, but I don't %100 agree with this statement: "Definitely stay away from petty compliments about earrings" Women love small compliments... The key is to be genuine about it. Do not just pick a random article of clothing and compliment it. Only mention things that truly strike you as unique and beautiful. But admittedly it isn't the best way to start small talk with a stranger. The conversation from there on will…

It's true that everyone enjoys a compliment now and then, but it's very easy to come across as manipulative and insincere when using a compliment as a way to strike up a conversation.

It is, in fact, manipulative -- the compliment was chosen as a way to get the person to engage in a conversation, and the assumption was made that the woman is vain enough to take the bait. I'd say it's doubly insulting more often than it's sincerely flattering.

There are occasionally exceptions when compliments are sincerely flattering to the recipient, but those are not usually times when the compliment is being used as the first step in a guy trying to get laid :) If they work, he'd already won her over in spite of the comment, not because of it.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#55

Post by buggy_code »

icey wrote: post #12

Aren't you the guy who posted the Ask HN about getting married before doing a startup yesterday? I think maybe you have your order crossed up.

I am. Order not crossed up at all; this is just divide & conquer approach; figure out what end goal is, then divide it into smaller problems, and solve each of those. :-)

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#56

Post by stcredzero »

markpercival wrote: post #37
grandalf wrote: post #11

What makes you think you're socially compatible with most people? I think the key is realizing that you will probably only click with a small number of people. In my case, I click amazingly well with highly educated, ambitious, often nerdy people, and horribly with people who are really into sports or drinking. So just striking up a random conversation is unlikely ever to be particularly interesting for me. As a resu…

I'm the same way, I click with intelligent, inspiring and often wonderful people and horribly with people that go by the name grandalf. Seriously, I think this is horrible advise. You can certainly surround yourself with people just like you, or you can challenge yourself and meet a whole slew of interesting people. Some of my best friends are about as polar opposite as it gets. Some even like sports! As for the line…

"wanna go on a treasure hunt? I'm looking for bits of radioactive ore"

In the world of XKCD, this seems like exactly the thing that will get you a girlfriend. One like this:

http://xkcd.com/162/

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#57

Post by stcredzero »

buggy_code wrote: post #55
icey wrote: post #12

Aren't you the guy who posted the Ask HN about getting married before doing a startup yesterday? I think maybe you have your order crossed up.

I am. Order not crossed up at all; this is just divide & conquer approach; figure out what end goal is, then divide it into smaller problems, and solve each of those. :-)

Why does this seem like a refinement on the 5 year-old's "Why?...Why?..."

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#58

Post by stcredzero »

spydez wrote: post #27
pg wrote: post #4

I was about to capitalize the S because I thought this was going to be about how to write a Smalltalk implementation. As for your actual question, sometimes the conversation dies because the other person wants it to, and you'd seem pushy if you tried to force it to continue. But in borderline cases I recommend asking the other person about their feelings about relevant things. I was a peer conselor in college. They t…

As an introvert, I really, really (really) hate being on the receiving end of this endless follow-on questions type of 'conversation' (can it be a conversation if your only participation is to crowbar more words out of me? (I digress...)). "The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself," as an article in The Atlantic once said. So be careful about using this Rogerian Th…

As an introvert, I really, really (really) hate being on the receiving end of this endless follow-on questions type of 'conversation'

You just helped me have an epiphany about my girlfriend.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#59

Post by whichdokta »

greyboy wrote: post #45
whichdokta wrote: post #38

wget ftp://ftp.gnu.org/gnu/smalltalk/smalltalk-3.1.tar.gz tar xzvf smalltalk-3.1.tar.gz cd smalltalk-3.1 ./configure make

I always find this interesting on Hacker News that a post like this, which appears witty, has so many upvotes, and that 'thwarted' just posted this response to another post: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=619028 with virtually the same ranking. I guess it's very subjective what constitutes as "contributing to the discussion" or not.

As a musician you get this all the time as well... the songs you're most proud of play to deafening silence while the songs that could never be said to have been inspired leave the house on their feet, shedding tears and yodeling.

People in groups may feel warm&fuzzy&nice but until we can get the same kind of bandwidth between our respective heads as we can inside our heads all group consciousness will remain anathema for excellence.

For intelligence I go to be by myself or seek out the company of other specialists.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#60

Post by ErrantX »

buggy_code wrote: post #55
icey wrote: post #12

Aren't you the guy who posted the Ask HN about getting married before doing a startup yesterday? I think maybe you have your order crossed up.

I am. Order not crossed up at all; this is just divide & conquer approach; figure out what end goal is, then divide it into smaller problems, and solve each of those. :-)

late reply but I feel this partially identifies your "problem".

natural response > programmed response :)

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