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Ask HN: Marriage

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Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#51

Post by russell »

Radix wrote: post #26
russell wrote: post #10

50% of all US marriages end in divorce. I would say it's partly the poor judgment of youth; mine wasn't so good. Maybe it has always been true, but now it is easier to get out. Romance is a pretty poor basis for a marriage. With mutual respect comes love and a more lasting relationship. Consider all the other qualities needed for success. Starting companies is a huge commitment and raising children is an unbelievable…

There was a discussion on this 50% meme where tokenadult pointed out this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html?_r=1 I believe the highest the divorce rate has ever climed was perhaps 43%. And as yummifajitas states here ( http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=548939 ) it's mostly divorcee's getting divorced. Repeating the "half end in divorce" statistic obscures the more interesting possibility…

Guilty as charged, but it appears the statistics are all over the place. The census bureau claimed 50% in 2002. The 43% figure was for marriages under 15 years. By that statistic I'm still married.

http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#52

Post by granular »

If you're in the USA, and you're male, don't do it. In the US, she can leave you at any time and by default get the kids, house, child support, and alimony. For a variety of reasons, the deck is obscenely stacked against you.

Regarding the kids, you have no idea how much you'll love your kids when you have them. But if she decides to go, she won't care one bit about that.

And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Ah, but you don't know her. She's different. She'd never do that." I'll tell you what: people change -- in unexpected ways. Especially after the kids come.

Do some research. Google for "dads", "divorce", "custody", etc.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#53

Post by lutorm »

yummyfajitas wrote: post #27

Don't marry if you are a guy. At present, marriage is a contract with no upside for you. You gain nothing from marriage that you can't get from a committed non-marital relationship, and stand to lose a lot.

Definitely not true if you are a foreign national...

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#54

Post by swombat »

timr wrote: post #44
calvin wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exactly. You can't write a business plan for love. It happens, or it doesn't.

you can't really write a business plan for a startup, either. ;-)

I'm wanting to make some lewd joke about iterating rapidly and keeping a keen eye on your key metrics, but I've been told it's not the done thing around here.

If I tried really hard, I'm sure I could work out an exit/IPO into it too.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#55

Post by lutorm »

TrevorJ wrote: post #13

From talking to a lot of married couples it seems as if marriage takes a lot of work and a lot of self-sacrifice. Perhaps the maturity of age has something to do with the successful marriages being those that where entered into later.

Relationships take a lot of work and a lot of self-sacrifice, regardless of whether you are married or not, I'd say.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#56

Post by eli »

yummyfajitas wrote: post #27

Don't marry if you are a guy. At present, marriage is a contract with no upside for you. You gain nothing from marriage that you can't get from a committed non-marital relationship, and stand to lose a lot.

Uh, you are aware of the concept of a pre-nup, right?

I'm pretty sure a marriage + a solid pre-nuptial agreement would put you on much better legal/financial ground than a "committed non-martial relationship" without a written contract.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#57

Post by [deleted] »

granular wrote: post #52

If you're in the USA, and you're male, don't do it. In the US, she can leave you at any time and by default get the kids, house, child support, and alimony. For a variety of reasons, the deck is obscenely stacked against you. Regarding the kids, you have no idea how much you'll love your kids when you have them. But if she decides to go, she won't care one bit about that. And I know what you're thinking. You're think…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#58

Post by eli »

patrickg-zill wrote: post #47
yummyfajitas wrote: post #27

Don't marry if you are a guy. At present, marriage is a contract with no upside for you. You gain nothing from marriage that you can't get from a committed non-marital relationship, and stand to lose a lot.

It used to be that marriage was a contract between you, your intended spouse, and God. Now, it is a contract between you, your intended spouse, and "The State". And therefore when you marry you are giving the State some measure of control over your life.

How so?

Seems more like a contract between you and your spouse that has been approved of by the state.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#59

Post by eli »

yummyfajitas wrote: post #41
calvin wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can gain quite a lot. If you want a partner beside you to learn from and grow closer to, it can be a great thing. If you want children to love and raise and educate, marriage can be awesome. Those are two reasons I look forward to marriage when I meet the right woman. If those aren't your priorities though, then I would agree, marriage probably isn't a good option for you. If you view marriage as "what you can ge…

You can get all those things from a committed non-marital relationship. Marriage (by which I mean the contract enforced by your state) adds nothing to the mix beyond a massive financial liability (for the man) if the relationship ends. Read this article for an example of the bad results of marriage: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/magazine/17foreclosure-t.h...

Pre-nup. Problem solved.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#60

Post by scott_s »

eli wrote: post #58
patrickg-zill wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It used to be that marriage was a contract between you, your intended spouse, and God. Now, it is a contract between you, your intended spouse, and "The State". And therefore when you marry you are giving the State some measure of control over your life.

How so? Seems more like a contract between you and your spouse that has been approved of by the state.

And, I'd like to add, witnessed by everyone important in your life.
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