Ask HN: How to be alone?

I found myself in a similar place a couple of years ago. My partner passed away, which is different and the same as your situation.

My advice… Run. Don’t worry about being fast. Get the Jeff Galloway run-walk-run book and just do it. You probably aren’t a running person. Cool, do it anyway.

Couple of reasons. One, it will help you with your emotional state. There’s something liberating about just focusing on your steps and your brain is able to organize and pack stuff away. Two, it will make a real difference in your physical condition, which also helps the mind.

Get established and when you’re ready make a goal to do a 5k or something. If you want to, you can go from watching TV to a 5k in 2-3 months. When you do that, usually those events are organized by a running club. Go to some of their events or practice runs, do an meetup or two. When you’re ready, you’ll find a bunch of people not unlike yourself.

You are 38, getting out of a decades long relationship, and you’re introspective enough to post this post. It doesn’t feel like it now , but when it’s time, you are a hot commodity for future partners.

Getting started is easy. Get two pairs of good socks and good running shoes. Then go.

Good luck, whatever you do!

Would you mind going into more detail? Why was that a mistake?

I haven't been in your situation, but I'm the same age and if my wife and I separated for whatever reason, I suspect I probably would be. I find being social and trying new things to be incredibly difficult. So it's something I've thought about. Personally I would not try to adapt to being alone, but rather I'd try to find & meet new people.

I would suggest trying to find in-person employment, whether that means changing to a job with a local office, or finding a co-working space to go in to. Then go in to the office every day. You can do less frequently than that, I guess, but it will just increase the time it takes for bonds to form. It turns out if you're a decent person to be around, it's almost impossible to not make social connections if you have lunch with the same people 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year. For both my wife and I, the vast majority of our friends are people we met at work, or through people we know at work. There are other ways to make friends, of course, but work is one of the faster & more reliable sources IME.

My other suggestion would be to get back into the dating pool when you feel more ready for it. It's an environment where everyone is expecting to meet new people and try things out and maybe things don't work and that's OK. I think dating is a lot different in your late 30s than it is in your early 20s, much more casual & experienced and hopefully less stressful. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, it's a way to get some practice meeting people and talking about yourself, and maybe make some new platonic friends and get out of the rut.

People suggest hobby groups and volunteering, but I dunno, I've tried that and it never really works out for me. I'm very shy and have a hard time inserting myself into an existing group. The infrequency of meetups also means it's hard to give the time for bonds to form, especially for someone fairly aloof like myself. That said I have started going to a weekly Fighting Game tournament and that might be working out. We'll see.

Just some ideas from my own ruminating on this issue. Hope you can find something that works for you.

> when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks.

As someone who lives alone, two ways I address this aspect: talk to yourself out loud and to your pets like they're people, and also write these things down in a journal. Every night after I get into bed but before I turn out the light and fall asleep, I write a journal entry. Sometimes they're quite mundane, exactly like your examples. "I cooked a steak for dinner that turned out better than I expected" or "Tomorrow I'm thinking about making some bread." There's no pressure on length of entry, I fill anywhere from three sentences to a full page each night, but it helps fill the 'how do I communicate this minor accomplishment or discomfort that nobody else cares about' need for me.

In my opinion if you're searching for a hobby it's best to be a bit more methodical about it. Usually the way to get into hobbies is that a friend or acquaintance pulls you into it (either by talking about the hobby energetically or directly showcasing it) and going at it from the other end isn't really easy per se in my experience.

But yeah, it's more than doable. First things first take a piece of paper (or do it digitally) and divide it into 2 halves, indoor and outdoor, then further divide those 2 halves into solo and group. At this point it doesn't make sense to take financial constraints into account, that's up to it at the end as a determining factor if you want to start a hobby from your "short list".

So after you've done the above take a week to fill the paper with stuff like "Tabletop RPGs" which goes into indoor/group, or "nature photography" which goes into outdoor/solo and I hope you get the jist. I'm sure you know where to file embroidery for example.

You can continue to add hobbies as a hobby too for a little bit, call it hobby watching and searching, it's still a pastime. Now here's another important part, you have to decide your motivation for start a hobby (not a specific hobby but a new hobby). Some people try and do hobbies because they feel they're forced to if they want to appear interesting to their peers, sometimes you just want to fill a hole or fill time so you can't stop and think about that hole. In emotionally adjusted individuals supposedly you can pick a hobby for the fun of it and that's enough. Basically do a bit of soul searching so that you can decide if you gravitate towards a outdoor hobby with a group of people (because the hobby itself doesn't matter that much but you crave connection which is completely fine and that's why some old people go to church).

I could go on but thanks for reading my TED talk and I really hope you find what you are looking for, either a hobby or something else.

EDIT: I completely forgot! You might also try finding a charity in your area or volunteer organization and volunteer your time. Maybe you need a higher calling or a mission to keep you going instead of a hobby. Food for thought. Though do be careful if you take that route because some NGOs tend to attract people who are energy vampires to say the least. Try your local library too if you have one and see if they run some programs you can participate in or help with.