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Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

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Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#51

Post by minikomi »

yresting wrote: post #15
DwnVoteHoneyPot wrote: post #3

Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of school? If you're passionate about something, you'll be more interesting to people. It'll give you personality. Even if they don't have the same interest, they will ask you about it. And obviously, you'll also meet people who have the same interests. I'll give you an extreme example: there was a Claude AI chatbot that was obsessed with the Golden Gate Bridge. This bot (…

I like programming, electronics, reading, maths and am getting a bike this week so I can spend more time outside! I love talking about these things with other people, and from what I can gather from their body language and facial expressions they also enjoy hearing what I have to say about my interest. But I also enjoy letting them talk about what they like to do so I can get to know them!

Group rides, coffee outside, bike packing are all amazing ways to make friends. Shared adventures however small make long lasting bonds.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#52

Post by xigoi »

tim-tday wrote: post #50

This isn’t what you asked but I would remove all social media from your phone. Nothing makes you lonelier than social media. Facebook and instagram should be the first to go. TikTok as well. Delete them and watch if you start to feel better. As for the other. Most friends I’ve ever met went like this: meet at an event relating to a shared interest (first you have to go to things, next you have to talk to people): fin…

> At 19 you’ve never had a friend? I honestly don’t believe it. I suspect you’re experiencing a depressive episode that is clouding your memory.

Gaslighting people is not a good way to help them.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#54

Post by rootsudo »

yresting wrote: post #17
rootsudo wrote: post #9

You need to lead, talk, make friends and be outside your comfort zone. You need to make an effort.

I’d like to think I do make an effort in a way, I try to go to the events that are being held at school, I’ve joined a few clubs and I talk to some of the people there. But it doesn’t go anywhere from there. But I will admit I’m socially anxious and keep to myself, but when I see an opportunity to crack a joke I do. But still it leads no where, I’m just that funny quirky kid who made a joke at the holiday festival. I…

You need to push it, you can not stop, you need to make it a simple repeat loop otherwise there is no escape. Once you establish friends, act out of your comfort zone, it can become stable and your new daily routine. It's literally exposure therapy, the exposure here is to be secure in yourself and go out.

Everyone has this issue, some people have it worse. I would give anything to be normal in this regard, I've succeeded but I have a stutter which is horrible-- so imagine being able to just talk normally and go out in the world!

That last line, thats just negtative self talk. Stop that.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#55

Post by robocat »

Triphibian wrote: post #33

My main advice would be to make NONE of this about you. Be genuinely curious about others. Really listen to them. Look in their eyes when they are talking to you and when you are talking to them. Completely put the notion of you needing or lacking friends in the backseat and put an interest and genuine caring about the lives of random people you meet in the front. You can't go into this with the goal of gaining somet…

And you need to be genuine.

Find whatever works for you to be genuinely interested.

People know if you're faking attention, or if you're unnaturally giving.

It's a tricky balance.

We slowly learn by practicing...

I've learnt over time to be more generous (tried to stop keeping a mental record of debts, and try to avoid giving obligations to anyone), and to be less judgemental (acceptance is mostly good).

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#56

Post by piva00 »

yresting wrote: post #12
satvikpendem wrote: post #4

You focus on others talking to you, why don't you talk to them? I don't mean just one conversation but making plans for hanging out next time too, or joining hobbies you'd like to do. One thing I've learned is that you yourself must make an effort first, even if you think it's unfair or if it's a lot of work, otherwise you'll be lonely forever. Do you know if you have any sort of neurodivergence? That may be a part o…

Thank you for responding! I do talk to people, in fact Im always the first to bring up events that are happening at school, around town or just in general asking to hang out and chill. It works for a bit, but then I either stop getting responses, or getting told they are free at X time but when X arrives they don’t show up or couldn’t show up, and then at the same time it’s depressing to always know you aren’t ever i…

Most people are not the ones initiating a hangout with others who they aren't yet friends with, they usually join in when invited if it fits their schedule/they are bored, etc. I'd recommend trying to brush off a bit the feeling of rejection since you don't have these connections yet. It sucks a bit but knowing it's completely normal might help you not feel it's something personal against you.

My recommendation is to keep trying with the ones you felt you could potentially click, I also have ADHD but never had much of an issue to make friends, and never made it a "goal", I just kept getting interested in people and would try to meet them again, most times it fizzles out even though you can have a nice time together but eventually some people stick around and become friends over time :)

Also try to have a well defined event, and be genuine, do things you like and try to invite people you met with these shared interests, in a casual and friendly way, people are more prone to join in when they don't feel there's pressure to do it.

I think the 3 first points of this comment [0] touch very much on the core of it, if you can strengthen against the feeling of rejection, and learn to be open and vulnerable (while balancing it to not become oversharing) it can go a long way to make people see and connect with you. Almost everyone is "in the closet" somehow, putting up a mask, when people meet someone that shows less of a mask and more themselves they usually will find those interesting.

What are some social activities you like to do?

[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=46417195

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#58

Post by seletskiy »

yresting wrote: post #19
some_furry wrote: post #14

> What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life? This is called catastrophizing. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/catastrophizing If you take nothing else away from my comment, I would suggest finding out why you do that, and try to change that mental behavior. It might not directly help with loneliness, but it might make your life more satisfactory.…

I have a ridiculous amount of interest I could share. I will take your advice and see if I can find people who share those interest! I will also try and change my thoughts. It’s just hard to not feel like the world is closing in when it feels like nobody acknowledges your existence.

Drop me a line if you would like to talk. Email is in the profile.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#59

Post by rich_sasha »

thomassmith65 wrote: post #30

The standard way to form a friendship is to be around someone regularly with whom you share a common goal. This happens in some school environments (eg: long-term group projects), many work environments, team sports, certain vacation environments, etc. Join a language class, or a sports club, or find employment somewhere, or go on a hostel vacation. Make sure it's something you want to do for its own sake - enough so…

+1e9, should be the top answer IMO. Activities create a group of people with a common interest, meeting regularly. You have a ready supply of people with something in common, you meet them regularly enough to create a bond, and easy ways to engage with them outside of class ("hey people who attend activity X, shall we do some activity X outside of classes?").

If you're not very sporty, less sporty things include:

- photography

- dancing classes (esp if you're a man, IME they are usually in short supply for classes)

- hiking / walking groups

- book clubs / chess / bridge

- quirky sports like roller skating

Otherwise, what other say. Other people like being listened to (and their interlocutor remembering what you said to them), that's an accessible trick to bond with people. And finally, it sounds like you don't struggle to build acquaintances - so maybe the tricky bit is "converting" them into friendships.

I'd say, in case it makes you feel better, that this is very much the common experience, to varying degrees, and the cult of people having lots and lots of friends is, for most, commercial propaganda.

Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?

#60

Post by sph »

A lot of advice of what you should do, putting the burden on action which is likely to worsen your depression and self-worth image.

So let me offer an alternative, healthier way of dealing with discomfort, especially of the soul: the first step is accepting the situation and making the best of it. Issues of loneliness aren't easily solved by joining the church or the cricket club, despite many comments along those lines; it's good to realise that loneliness sticks with us and gets more painful when around people. You won't ever feel so lonely as in a crowd.

There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. Learn solitude. Learn to be comfortable with yourself. Know yourself, and chances are, you don't have a clue about yourself at 19, and you probably won't be for a few more decades of self-reflection, so get started. Then, when you'll find comfort in yourself, comfort in being by yourself, joy even, you'll be ready to face that door that is the cause of your great sadness today. And you'll come from a place where companionship is no more a matter of life-and-death, but from a more mature position that understand that people come and go, might love you and might hurt you, but the only constant source of joy, respite and calm lies within you, and it's been there all along.

I'm not sure any of this would've made any sense to my 19 years old self, but no one sat down to explain this to me either, so I hope it strikes a chord. Just don't blame yourself for an ill society where connection is ever harder.

-- a fellow lonely person that found joy in solitude, appreciating those heartfelt, fleeting moments with worthy humans.

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