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Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#51

We do it like this at GitLab and it's very effective: https://handbook.gitlab.com/handbook/leadership/1-1/

This sounds horrible. Once a week is way too often in my opinion, and the whole setting is much too formal. I prefer 1-to-1s to be informal without agendas. Once a month is enough. It is a time to build rapport and trust and obviously it has to be "synchronous" and in person if possible.

I used to do every other week with my previous manager and I feel like that was an appropriate pace. Unfortunately my new manager wants to do it every week and that's definitely way too frequent.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#52
It's on your manager to make them good, not you. I don't think you will be able to change your manager.

On what's a good 1on1 I wrote this https://www.paceflow.io/guides/topics/one-on-ones

Though it will be probably different from what you are going to see in big tech and their smaller copycats where they make 1on1 a glorified status update.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#53
post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of di…

That's like saying high school is for the teacher's benefit rather than the student's, because attendance is mandatory.

(Public) High school is for the politician's benefit. Public education was first and foremost a way to assimilate immigrant groups so that they would adopt a uniform culture; second a way to provide day care so the parents could work at the factories; third a way to get students used to factory work like following directions and showing up on a schedule; and only last a way to provide valuable skills and education to the student.

You can see that by observing the conditions under which a state is willing to not have students go to school. If the schools are not teaching the ideology that the state wants, their funding gets axed entirely; you can see that with current MAGA efforts to defund the DoE and various public schools, with the DEI efforts in California, and with the anti-DEI efforts in Texas and much of the South. Likewise, if the students are being subversive and talking about getting rid of the capitalist system entirely, you shut down their schools and arrest them. If the adults no longer need to go to work, you see states entertain the possibility of students no longer going to school; you saw that in COVID. But if the students aren't actually learning anything, as is the case in much of the U.S, it's not a big deal.

Education that is actually for the student's benefit rather than the teacher's usually tends to be private schools or tutors, or occasionally charter/magnet schools. In rare cases, you'll have a public school where the surrounding community really values education. But notably, attendance is not mandatory in most of these scenarios.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#54
post #21

Manager here: first, I'll say that you're ahead of the rest of the class just by asking this question. Most people don't bother trying to get much out of the 1:1s with their bosses. Here's the basic answer: the 1:1 is for you, not for me. If I'm doing my job well, I already know the status of your work. This is a chance for you to talk about anything that you want. Some of my reports ask about technical things: how c…

> I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of di…

I give my reports the option of canceling 1:1s if they want to, or have other priorities. Sometimes they just have a pressing deadline and would rather be coding so they can go home. Sometimes their kid is sick and their boss is the last person they would rather be talking to.

I try to avoid canceling 1:1s myself if possible, since it really sends the message that your boss doesn't care about you or your work, and if the boss doesn't care, why do the work?

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#55
I am a new manager (around 5 years of non-continual experience).

I stole this format from Mike Crittenden [1] and made some modifications to it. It has worked wonders for me and my team.

It helps us to create our Brag Document [2], introduced by Julia Evans, together.

1 - https://critter.blog/2022/03/25/my-new-and-improved-1-1-form...

2 - https://jvns.ca/blog/brag-documents/

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My experience is quite the opposite, 1:1s are the only meetings I regularly look forward to.

Please tell us more, because I'm in accordance with the other person. What do you talk about in your 1:1s? Are you driving the conversation or is the manager? What are the topics of conversation? How long does it usually last? My manager always say that my 1:1 are the easiest for him. I've asked him what in the world the other people are talking about that don't make them as easy, but his response is so vague (to mai…

Just a random guy chiming in to say my favourite 1:1 was when Fallout 4 released and we spent the entire time talking about the game. We then made a pact that we'd save up our leave so we could take a week off when the next Elder Scrolls game was released....... I have so much leave saved up.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#57
post #21

Manager here: first, I'll say that you're ahead of the rest of the class just by asking this question. Most people don't bother trying to get much out of the 1:1s with their bosses. Here's the basic answer: the 1:1 is for you, not for me. If I'm doing my job well, I already know the status of your work. This is a chance for you to talk about anything that you want. Some of my reports ask about technical things: how c…

> I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of di…

I think you fundamentally misunderstand the manager-report relationship.

It being for the report means it is also for the manager. The success of the report is the success of the manager.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#58
post #48
post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I hate it so much. My manager always asks it and presses the issue whenever I try to move past it with some generic response. As if I want to start having a deep "how are you" discussion with a business stranger, especially one with whom I do not share a geographical location, a culture or first language.

My manager does something even worse: we have a team meeting every Monday morning, and each of us is expected to give a brief report of what we did in our private lives over the weekend. He lets me slide when I say "not much", fortunately, but I think it's an overly intrusive ask, especially in front of the whole team.

I hate to break it to you, but this sounds like pretty normal human social behavior

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#59
post #32
post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'll put it this way: the 1:1 for you, but it's also too valuable to skip just because you don't want it. We will have a 1:1 on a regular cadence, whether you like it or not. I don't want a meeting for the sake of having a meeting, but 1:1s are the single best way for managers to connect to team members. If you want to cancel all of the time because you have nothing to talk about, then that indicates a number of di…

>So what I'm hearing, it's not actually for me, it's for you. It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff. I hate when they want me to rank myself from 1-5 on various things just to tell me, "I don't think you're a 5, you're performing as expected. COL raise." I just put 3's on everything and wait for it to be over. Our company (whose application I built from scratch…

> It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff.

I can’t imagine a sillier take.

No one gives a shit what’s on my calendar. They didn’t when I was a manager, director, VP or when I had a C in my title.

The 1:1 is to help you figure out why you’re an average dev and aren’t getting fives. It’s unfortunate you haven’t quite grokked that and instead just spend your time imagining how everyone around you is incompetent and out to do you wrong.

Re: Ask HN: How do you have effective 1:1s with your manager?

#60
post #59
post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>So what I'm hearing, it's not actually for me, it's for you. It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff. I hate when they want me to rank myself from 1-5 on various things just to tell me, "I don't think you're a 5, you're performing as expected. COL raise." I just put 3's on everything and wait for it to be over. Our company (whose application I built from scratch…

> It's totally for the manager, they gotta fill their calendars to look like they're doing stuff. I can’t imagine a sillier take. No one gives a shit what’s on my calendar. They didn’t when I was a manager, director, VP or when I had a C in my title. The 1:1 is to help you figure out why you’re an average dev and aren’t getting fives. It’s unfortunate you haven’t quite grokked that and instead just spend your time im…

You don't know anything about me. How can you even make that assessment? See, this is another example of modern manager bullshit. I certainly hope you don't lackadaisically asses your team in the same flippant, emotional manner. Here's another thing, you probably aren't even allowed to answer the important questions. When are layoffs? Is there an M&A going on? What projects are going to be tanked in the coming year? Who are all those new people walking around? It's all fluff and you know it. Do you make them sit in the little uncomfortable chairs in your office across from you after you ask them to shut the door? If you do, you probably should rethink the environment you're setting up. Do you even shake their hand when they come in? Managers today are so bad at building team unity and trust. I've been on both sides of this table and I know exactly what this is.

Want to have more interaction with your team? Try taking them out to lunch once in a while. It works wonders for team unity. If the boss doesn't let you use the corporate card, use your own.

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