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Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

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Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#51

Post by filoleg »

shaggie76 wrote: post #29
TheAlchemist wrote: post #15

I'm not sure it's exactly what you're looking for, but there is a book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie - despite it's cheesy title and being pretty old, it's still very good advice. Turns out, people nature don't change that much !

Although I agree with you every time I think of that book I'm reminded that Charles Manson read it in prison and it no doubt helped him is his later years. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...

This is probably one of the best unintentional advertisements for the book’s effectiveness.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#52

Post by mplewis »

plantwallshoe wrote: post #22

You’ll get much more out of a good therapist than a book. A good therapist isn’t just there to help you work through past trauma or personal issues, they can also help with all your interpersonal interactions and relationships.

Yes. Please go to therapy.

If you need help finding a therapist, PsychologyToday has a great search on their website.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#53

Post by rramadass »

naijaboiler wrote: post #50
rramadass wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Very well said! "Emotional Intelligence" is just a marketing term for awareness of other people's emotional needs/thoughts/behaviour/etc. and modulating one's interactions accordingly. The trick is to do it effectively without allowing oneself to be manipulated/becoming a doormat/hurting the other person's ego. The books Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations by Kerry Patterson et al. are useful in this reg…

Correct. It's really understanding that people are fundamentally different and span the spectrum. E.g. To some people feelings matter more than truth, to others it's sorta reversed, and all spectrums in between. Most importantly, you need to understand yourself and how you tend to come across. We all have things we find easy to do (gives us energy) and things that drain us. And its different for everybody. If i had t…

Right. One key thing to keep in mind is that we all have an intrinsic nature/personality and no amount of study/training can change this at a fundamental level. Thus we need to be very aware of our strengths and weaknesses, take into account environment/circumstances and act accordingly.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#54

Post by binary132 »

sshine wrote: post #46
rl3 wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The HN community is a bubble of radical truth seeking. To think some call us an echo chamber.

Truth bears repeating … repeatedly in a chamber is just a circumstance.

Help, I’m trapped in an echo factory factory

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#56

Post by solardev »

plantwallshoe wrote: post #22

You’ll get much more out of a good therapist than a book. A good therapist isn’t just there to help you work through past trauma or personal issues, they can also help with all your interpersonal interactions and relationships.

I dunno, the therapists I've been to (half a dozen or so of them) weren't anywhere as helpful as some of the books recommended in this thread (like How to Win Friends and Influence People or Nonviolent Communications).

They often tried to hyperfocus on whatever they saw as issues in my life, or else parrot and rephrase back to me what I told them, with very little in the way of concrete actionables.

The books were dramatically more helpful and totally changed my life.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#58

Post by AnimalMuppet »

Not a book, no.

What I had to do was, there was a guy who was mentoring me. He had me write down in a notebook every single time I screwed up in how I interacted with someone. We got together every couple of weeks and talked through my list.

This is better than a book, because I got to walk through situations I had been in, and kind of "replay" them, and see what I could do differently. It hit what I needed, not what some book author thought I needed. And I could relate to the things we discussed, every single one of them, because they were real situations to me.

Note that this is critically dependent on the quality of the mentor, though...

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#59

Post by runjake »

solardev wrote: post #56
plantwallshoe wrote: post #22

You’ll get much more out of a good therapist than a book. A good therapist isn’t just there to help you work through past trauma or personal issues, they can also help with all your interpersonal interactions and relationships.

I dunno, the therapists I've been to (half a dozen or so of them) weren't anywhere as helpful as some of the books recommended in this thread (like How to Win Friends and Influence People or Nonviolent Communications). They often tried to hyperfocus on whatever they saw as issues in my life, or else parrot and rephrase back to me what I told them, with very little in the way of concrete actionables. The books were dr…

Counterpoint: I've only been to two therapists (via word of mouth) and they were both far more helpful than HTWF&IP and NVC, even despite how highly awesome those books are, and everyone should read them repeatedly.

They asked me intelligent questions designed to help me come to my own conclusions through reasoning, and they provided me with actionable activities for growth.

Re: Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

#60

Post by solardev »

runjake wrote: post #59
solardev wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I dunno, the therapists I've been to (half a dozen or so of them) weren't anywhere as helpful as some of the books recommended in this thread (like How to Win Friends and Influence People or Nonviolent Communications). They often tried to hyperfocus on whatever they saw as issues in my life, or else parrot and rephrase back to me what I told them, with very little in the way of concrete actionables. The books were dr…

Counterpoint: I've only been to two therapists (via word of mouth) and they were both far more helpful than HTWF&IP and NVC, even despite how highly awesome those books are, and everyone should read them repeatedly. They asked me intelligent questions designed to help me come to my own conclusions through reasoning, and they provided me with actionable activities for growth.

Maybe I need better therapists, then! Wish there was a good way to identify the good ones... that goes for all healthcare, actually. It always seems like such a gamble.
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