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Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

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Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#51

Post by yusefnapora »

> I just want to die.

Good news! You definitely will - it happens to all of us. I'm sorry if this comes across as glib or dismissive, but during the times when I was considering an early exit, it really helped me to consider that nobody gets out alive.

Whatever peace or oblivion you hope to find will be yours someday. Does it really have to be today? Is there nothing left in the world that you would like to experience first? Nothing you'd like to contribute or build?

You speak a lot of failure, but the unspoken corollary is that you've been _trying_. That's worth something. Quite a lot actually. Given that you are fighting against despair, one of the most powerful and insidious enemies of life, you can rightly claim every day as a victory.

If one day, you are too tired and hurt to continue, there is no shame in that. But I would encourage you to take pride in the victories you've accrued so far, and not to dismiss them simply because you haven't expelled the specter of despair entirely. It's a hard fight, but you're less alone than you think, and there are joys and surprises awaiting you that you cannot predict.

Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#52

Post by Overtonwindow »

bobosha wrote: post #30

It sounds like you have PTSD. 20+ years ptsd sufferer here and none of the traditional medications made a dent. But psychedelic therapy did and it worked like a charm for me. Psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy has shown great promise, give it a shot. - Look into Ketamine which is already FDA approved. - Psilocybin, MDMA are all due for FDA approval. The clinical trials have shown high efficacy and they are the best t…

Ketamine is amazing. I went through a period of severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Psilocybin was the start, but ketamine was the cure.

Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#53

Post by dwaltrip »

I have felt similar pain. I’m so sorry. No one should have to suffer the way you are right now.

I’m doing much better now. Somatic therapy + touch work is the thing that helped me the most. It changed my life. You need a skilled and caring therapist who you connect with and who makes you feel safe. Easier said than done, I know. I had tried several talk therapists before that - they didn’t really help.

It takes time but it is possible to heal. I’m doing it.

Like you, I did therapeutic ketamine for a while… it helped but I was still struggling a lot. Then, I found my therapist and that was a very pivotal moment in my healing journey.

If there is anything else in your life that can you change to make things easier for you and give you space for healing, then try to do that.

I needed to quit my job where I was burnt out and move from my studio apartment where I was living alone into a house with some cool guys. I also started exercising again, which doesn’t cure anything but it is essential for maintaining a good baseline. Our bodies weren’t meant to be stationary. When I go for a hard run, any anxiety melts away, as my brain is too busy managing homeostasis :) It may come back later, but it is easier deal with.

I could go on and on about the journey I’ve been on. It’s a lot, but you can do a little at a time, and it builds and builds into something new and beautiful. There was I time where I didn’t think it was possible to feel good the way I do most days now.

Sending love your way… good luck friend. You deserve another chance :)

Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#54

Post by schaefer »

The tricky part about depression and anxiety is that everyone is coming from someplace different. It’s like asking for directions on how to get to New York City… but not being sure if you’re starting from Tokyo, London, or someplace else entirely. The people that want to help you usually can only tell you how they overcame depression from where they started. Which, understandably, may or may not be right for you.

—

That having been said, I have some food sensitivities that were driving significant amounts of anxiety and depression. Cleaning up my diet has been life changing. Especially the “fasting mimicking diet (FMD)” as explained in the book The Longevity Diet by Valter Longo. The book is pretty dry, so I’d recommend the audio book version. Try a round of FMD (5 days) followed by a month of no sugar added. Sugar withdrawal was hell for me, but there was significant improvement on the other side.

-

I know you said meditation hasn’t worked for you, but you don’t mention which kinds of meditation you’ve tried. I’ve had luck with metta meditation. Or the meditation of loving kindness. And specifically bringing that philosophy of kindness with me off the mat into my daily life.

Resources for my own particular take on Buddhist philosophy that worked for me include:

  - This lecture series on bringing loving kindness to a meditation practice [1]

  - and the book: Unwinding Anxiety by Dr. Judson Brewer. 

  - and basically everything Pema Chodron has ever written.  But possibly staring with: When Things Fall Apart.
-

Even if what worked for me doesn’t work for you. I believe in you and I think you can find your own path to being at peace with your inner emotional landscape.

[1]: https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPxfnU-O-Zydjfcneck9XIy...

Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#56

Post by hacknewslogin »

needadvicebadly wrote: post #32
alecst wrote: post #28

Since it's not in your post, can I ask what you think is causing your fear and anxiety, and what it feels like?

Fear of failure, of making wrong decisions, being a poor husband, an ineffective adult, of being screwed over and manipulated as I often have been due to my naive and overly trusting nature.

Failing is how we humans learn! Through our failures, or the failures of others. It's normal, healthy, and OK. You like all of us have failed before, right? And you survived! It's what help make you who you are.

Some decisions are not right or wrong, some decisions have no serious lasting impact. What do you want for dinner? What do you want to watch on tv tonight? There's no choosing wrong, there's no perfect answer.

Concern that you're a poor husband sounds a lot like imposter syndrome. The thing is, having those concerns means you're far from being a poor husband. Bad husbands don't care if they are bad husbands, and usually convince themselves that they aren't the problem. Communication is the biggest most important thing in making a relationship work. Focus on that. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a book by John Gottman that will help.

Every adult on the planet is an ineffective adult. It sounds like you have a lot of high expectations of yourself. No one is perfect. No one has all of their shit together. No one person can do everything on their own that they "should" be doing to be a "proper" adult.

You have to remember to show yourself some compassion. What advice would you give to someone that came to you with these concerns?

I recommend reading "The way of the peaceful warrior" by Dan Millman.

I too am naive and overly trusting. I would rather live my life with the occasional screw over and manipulation then living jaded and distrusting. I want to live a life of kindness and love. Sometimes it doesn't work out, but more often it does.

This too shall pass. Suicide only ensures that things can never get better.

The simplest "food for the soul" is to eat, shit, and sleep. Everything else can be addressed later.

Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#57

Post by naasking »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #31
comprev wrote: post #11

Everything is a better alternative to suicide, even if your mind can’t see it at this moment. There will be someone who you know deep down that will listen when you need to talk. In the last month a close friend of mine lost her partner to suicide and she’s having difficulty with the grieving process. She knows she can call me any time of day and I’ll pick up, no matter what I’m doing. Only yesterday I was in an impo…

I wish suicide wasn't so stigmatized. Sure it leaves behind survivors, but our planet includes so much suffering. They say "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", but I think that can come across as dismissive of real systemic issues. People committing suicide might have been suffering for years, with no end to suffering in sight, and suicide seems like a reasonable way to just.. not continue suffer…

I dunno, suicide seems exactly as stigmatized as it needs to be now that euthanasia for people with terminal conditions is becoming accepted (here in Canada).

That said, I agree society has the burden to provide assistance, mental health is severely underfunded and under-researched, and the legal restrictions around drugs that could assist psychotherapy are frankly criminal. Compounds like MDMA are literally "instant hope" in a pill for people who are suffering, and tens of thousands of people would still be alive if we had been studying its use had the war on drugs never started.

Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#58

Post by throwawaylove12 »

I've been suicidal. Some things that helped me:

1. Reading ancient philosophers. I like Alain de Botton's book The Consolations of Philosophy as a start. He covers different types of philosophers throughout history and then you can pick the type that resonates and follow that rabbit hole.

2. Understanding/confronting childhood trauma.

3. Figuring out what I wanted to do, i.e. long-term meaning/purpose, and creating an action plan. The plan didn't even end up working out, but simply working on it somehow scratched some deep itches.

4. Trying out a different diet. Maybe environmental toxins, too. I know those sound trivial but... Garbage In Garbage Out.

Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#59

Post by hirundo »

yawpitch wrote: post #43

If you’re at any real risk of acting on that thought, call professional help, or immediately commit yourself to professional care. Resistant to that idea? Then you’re not seriously considering suicide, that’s just your traumatized self calling out for attention; you don’t want to die, that’s a lie, the truth is you want the pain to stop, which is a VERY different truth, but trauma doesn’t let you FEEL that subtle dif…

> If you’re at any real risk of acting on that thought, call professional help, or immediately commit yourself to professional care. Resistant to that idea? Then you’re not seriously considering suicide ...

Bullshit. Most suicides, including my brother three years ago, are resistant to involving professional help ... or even non-professional help. But he was serious enough about it to pull the trigger anyway.

Re: Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

#60

Post by voisin »

Check out Dr. Gabor Mate on YouTube. He is a trauma specialist who has recently become quite mainstream popular but one of those “40 years in the making” overnight successes. There is a recent documentary on him as well - The Wisdom of Trauma.

Check out as well “The Body Keeps Score” about the physical somatic approach to trauma relief by another well known researcher. This one changed my life.

Some immediately practical advice: Exercise, every day. Even if just walking. More is better (aim for 60 min). Volunteer (not just for the feel good consequences of being part of something, but also for the interaction). Better yet, volunteer outside if you can (being in nature helps and sunlight helps with vitamin D). While you’re at it, make sure you have enough vitamin d (I can always tell when my levels are low and add some supplements and within a day feel better). Stop with drugs & alcohol & social media & video games.

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