Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

As the top comment says: you need to see a psychiatrist. You are manifestly depressive, and that not something that heals by moving to another country (except the rare case of the source of the depression is the country)

You are in a deep hole right now with multiple issues that feed off each other, affect your mental state, and make it hard to solve any one of the issues.

Obviously I am only going off of what you wrote here, which is brief and lacking all the context. I have absorbed it and am responding the way I interpreted it, and I could be way off.

You have a lot of regret, and regret feeds into "rumination" - the endless loop of replaying past events and perceived failures in your head. You should accept that today is a new day, you still have half your life left, and endlessly worrying and fixating on the past is not going to help you get out of this hole. Probably at this point you have thought about the past so much that there isn't much that thinking about it more will do.

Next, you should forgive yourself. You aren't a failure. You aren't a loser. Mistakes in the past are just that - mistakes. People can change and the first step is recognizing you want to change. You have so much time left and so much to live for.

You have something that so many people on earth want badly - their health and decades of life left to live. You can't imagine how many sick, elderly, disabled people would trade places you in a heartbeat. That isn't to say those people are without value (absolutely not!) I am just trying to put in your mind how blessed you are that you have your health and a long time to fix your issues.

You are not in any current mental state to date someone. I would focus on healing yourself and making yourself desirable to someone else before attempting the wife and kids, otherwise it will be a lot of regret. Dating is putting your best self out there as an attractive mate and being very depressed, anxious, and full of self-loathing will lead to more rejection which will just fuel more of the same feelings. You need to work on yourself before you can be ready to find a life partner. And plenty of men have kids in their late 40s or 50s - I know a guy who just had a kid at 65, for better or worse. As a male you can have children until the day you die, if that's what you want. The door is not closed on this.

Multiple other problems are here. Loneliness and lack of purpose are coming through strong. I think you should try and get a job (even a minimum-wage one) or volunteer in a place that involves other people. This could be at a restaurant, a pizza parlor, at a soup kitchen, working a customer-facing position, something low-risk where if you just can't hack it you can quit without much of an issue or reputational harm. You will start talking to people regularly and often you will interact with them not just about work or solving their customer issue, but start chatting about the weather, their families, and perhaps deeper things. I think this will help you come out of your self-imposed NEET shell and start becoming a normal person again. Often these jobs will lead you to getting to know your coworkers better and you might get invited to work-parties or similar things. There is no shame in working a food job or something like this, all work has value and provides purpose.

Finally, I have no idea if you are religious at all, but investigating religion or the spiritual side of existence may help you. Attending a Sunday worship be it Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, Protestant, or whatever has absolutely no requirement of you and it may deeply affect you in a way you aren't expecting. You can always leave or never come back, you may want to give it a try. Thoughts of the afterlife and "what all this means" is a common issue for people entering their mid-life and exploring this facet of existence may be helpful to you.

Good luck! You can do it. Don't give up! You made it this far, and you can make it farther. One day at a time.

I would start off finding some CBT and a professional to help you turn things around. The problem you have is framing things badly - being depressed/wallowing in how you’ve wasted your life is not going to help you. Movement is vitally important, if you’re stuck change your location even for a summer - for example I would consider if you have the money taking a trip to India and find an ashram (I can recommend Sivananda) they helped me a lot. For $12 per night you get accommodation, delicious vegetarian food and 4h yoga per day (also you’ll get some practice interacting with women) will sort out any of the over thinking you seem to be experiencing. That’s just an example of the freedom you have to still do things that excite you, maybe it’s Machu Picchu or the Himalayas or something else. Get out of your head and make a plan.

I’m far from perfect but I’ve been doing what I call 75 medium hard (you can google the original plan 75 hard). It’s basically a 45 min walk, 45 mins other exercise (I alternate strength training and zone 2 indoor cycling), read 10 pages of a book, drink at least 2 litres of water in addition to other drinks, have a diet with no alcohol. It is starting to feel really good every time I succeed every day and it’s day 18 now. Also if you want to be less worried about your own problems I’d strongly advise reading Man’s Search for Meaning - a book with such astonishing darkness in it that it’s impossible to feel self pity while reading it.

I hope you realise that you aren’t as stuck as you believe and that a few forward moves can really get you back on track a lot quicker than you think. Stop thinking and start acting.

Just turned 47 this morning. I do have the kids, house, and accomplished most of the things I wanted to when I was a kid... but there's always more, there's always the things I haven't done, the things I have failed at, and the list goes on. I too feel the bitterness, anger, and disillusionment of the current state of the economy, my career, etc. I wonder how much of this is a product of those of us working in tech related/adjacent fields and the industries promises of the past few decades really not panning out. I feel like we're in an age of disillusionment for those of us who bought into those promises only to ... >.. see what has come of it.

I am never going to be rich, it is never going to be "easy", and while it could be worse it could be a lot fucking better too. And it is going to get harder before anything else changes.

What can you do about it? Fuck if I know. I can't deal with my own shit. But the one thing that has helped is trying to re-evaluate my current situation. Sometimes I feel locked into focusing on the things I can't have, the things I didn't accomplish, the mistakes I've made, and just have to accept that I cannot change them. I can only look at where I am now, take inventory, and try to re-orient myself. I've heard that works for others and it has helped me in the past, but it isn't a one-and-done exercise. Maybe I'm wrong but it has gotten me this far.

"You Are Not Alone" by Andrew WK (yeah, the Party guy) has been a fantastic cathartic resource for this middle aged dude in the 202Xs. I recommend a full listen -- end-to-end -- through on decent headphones and a place where you can safely process emotions. https://red.lnk.to/AWKYNA

Take care man, I hope you find a way to accept where you are, that you find peace, and make a plan for where you want to go next.

There's no such thing as too old, and no such thing as too late, unless you stop trying. There are 3 billion people on the planet, and plenty of potential mates that are in the same exact situation as you.

Getting a job is a good start and will help with both your self-confidence and your lady problems. Just like birds who choose a mate based on color, song, and nest building - humans also will look for a mate who is organized, responsible, well dressed, with good hygiene. So if you're not sure how to meet and talk to women, start with the basics: (Money) Get a job, (Nest) Get a place to stay, and keep your stuff organized and clean, (Song/social) join a music or art class or if you're not musical, try to spend time with people, either volunteering, or learning something, or join a local faith or traditional group. (Church group, excersize group, or crafting meetups), this adds some "spice" to your life even if you don't end up finding a mate.

Start by trying to make friends first, don't try for romance too soon.