I'm no expert on this but I am pretty sure they can take your and your wife's reproductive cells and implant them in a surrogate mother, so it would really be "your" kid for both you and your wife, genetically. (There might be developmental issues with removing the baby from the woman who gave birth to it, but I don't know enough to comment there.)
Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
51–60 of 368 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#52My wife had our first child at 38 and second at 40. Friends have had kids at 44 and 48. Dr in SF said sees a lot of people having kids in their 40s.
It's great unless you or your wife have a specific medical condition you can sill have kids. We didn't need IVF, but have many friends that have used it very successfully.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#53What do prefer? Giving up on having kids and staying with your partner, trying to cope with regret. I bet the regret alreay takes a toll on the relationship and the probability is high that the relationship ends in a divorce either way. (Divorce statistics in your region?) Divorce and find a younger and religious woman ready to have many kids. You might lose some friends and people might turn away considering your be…
I think this is very very bad advice. You don't fix one mistake by making another one.
OP said that he dearly loves his wife. I think that's marvelous and he should treasure that. Divorce would indeed be selfish behavior, as you recognize. And that's not where you find happiness and a fulfilling life.
(Aside: your attempt to make the suggestion colorful by adding that the woman should be religious is quite weird. For many religious people, selfishness and divorce are not things that make a partner attractive.)
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#54Sounds like you're projecting something on not being a parent. Try the "what for" game. What do I want kids for? To extend my legacy. What do I want to extend my legacy for? To feel connected to the world. What do I want to feel connected to the world for? Just keep going recursively until you deconstruct it to a point where you see that it's not as bad as all that.
I don't know why, but your story made me think of volunteering. Have you considered it? Might give you a sense of motivation and meaning.
Also, since you seem to be in a fragile state right now, very regular outdoors or not-at-home exercise might be a good way to get mental balance.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#55When I read that you fantasize both about getting a deadly illness like cancer and uprooting your life by leaving your spouse, I think those are warning signs for a depression. It's some very heavy things to be carrying around with you and it sounds really painful. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with such unpleasant thoughts and feelings
I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist, plus this is only a single post on a web forum, so I can't say for certain whether that's the case
I think you need to address the pattern of thought you're describing and that it would be helpful for you to talk to a mental health professional to see if they can provide some relief to you
A first step could be to simply tell your spouse "I think I have a depression and I would like to get better. Would you be okay helping me with that?". Make yourself accountable to the people you love and care about to take the actions needed to get better
Depression is treatable and you can start feeling happy about your life again, I promise you!
I hope you find a way to get through this difficult place that it seems you're finding yourself in
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#56Some people think you should be grateful that you didn't make the "mistake" of having kids and that it's not worth it. It's the biggest taboo in our society but a lot of parents regret it. For some reason you decided not to have one in the first place and that same reason is probably still true. It feels like you've fallen into "the grass is always greener" trap and only sees the upsides because you think it's too la…
As a relatively freshly baked parent, I am willing to agree with your thought process. Parent poster may be focused on kids, but the regret may just be a symptom and about something else altogether. In either case, I am going to join the HN chorus "continue therapy".
FWIW, our decision was not easy ( and, frankly, from my perspective unnecessarily risky, but I am willing to accommodate my partner where it makes sense ). The only real benefit of doing it when you are old is that you go into it with your eyes wide open typically knowing full well the amount of sacrifice needed for it. I don't think having kids was a mistake, but life would have been a lot easier w/o them. Ditto with the dog.
That said.. should the dog die, odds are we will be getting another one shortly thereafter.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#57Earlier quoted context omitted.
She does not have to, I am merely painting a possible path in a colorful way.
sry, but the picture you're painting might be rational but I don't agree with it. Just because the divorce statistics might be bad doesn't mean you should breakup, just because he is unhappy now doesn't mean he will be unhappy in the future, same goes for the marriage, just because it's bad now doesn't mean it will be bad forever. Just because I want something doesn't mean I should go for it without looking left and…
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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#58You can always adopt or find a younger partner.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#59Since this is Hacker News: Stallman's take on in this: Why it is important not to have children. https://stallman.org/articles/children.html
If I was using Richard Stallman as a guidebook for my life, that would signal a particularly depressing existence.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#60You’re absolutely not too late. We had our first in our mid-40s, no complications whatsoever and I suspect we’d be regretting it too if we didn’t at least try.