Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#51

Post by dbingham » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:19 PM UTC

h2odragon wrote: post #3

They may want to give a new Mom a contraceptive shot. They may sneak it in even if you've vociferously refused. Our experience was that it drove my wife almost insane and severely damaged her bonding with our daughter. It was 8 months before the shit faded and she came back to herself. If you plan to do the baby sling thing and keep your child with you as much as you can; start practicing wearing the sling (with weig…

Yeah, don't get a dog now, it's too late. There is a lot of evidence to support the idea that living with a well mannered dog is really great for kids on many levels (immune, psychology, etc). But raising a puppy is a whole order of magnitude of stress on its own, and puppies can be very difficult to train and take years to settle down. Having a 3 or 4 year old dog + a baby is great. Having a puppy and a baby at the same time is like having twins (or worse).

My partner and I did this by accident. We were having infertility struggles and our old dog died, so we adopted a 5 month old puppy. A year later we finally got pregnant. Now we have a 2 and half year old dog and a 1 year old baby and things are just settling down to a manageable level of stress. We just about lost our minds trying to manage both and the puppy definitely didn't get the attention he needed. I think we'll all be okay in the long run, and the baby adores the dog. But if we were to do it again we would not have both puppy and baby at the same time.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#52

Post by djpr » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:20 PM UTC

1. Your life will be utterly transformed. My child has been a source of wonder and joy, but also immense challenge. Stop comparing to your previous life, you gotta dive into it.

2. Get fit. You'll likely end up needing to carry a lot of baby and toddler stuff for some time.

3. Grow your empathy muscle. It isn't easy being a newborn or a kid. There's so much they don't understand, get confused or frustrated about. So when they cry, tantrum or rebel, realize they're just trying to make sense of things but don't have the language or capacity to express them.

Be intentional on how you spend time with your kid, listen and observe them as away to connect.

4. Be intentional about connecting with your child. Some folks think there's this magical connection that exist the moment the baby is born. It wasn't the case for me. I wanted a kid but I had to intentionally understand and make that connection with my kid. For me, that meant talking to my newborn, pretending like she understood me, even if she's just a week old. See #3. re: building empathy.

5. Stay connected with you partner at all times. In the beginning, it'll be like hurricane ripped through your lives. In the beginning, staying connecting is making sure you know how to support her. End of the day, she has it tougher with you with all the body changes and breastfeeding demands (if she choose that) to do.

As you two figure things out, go from "all hands on deck mode" to being a pro at changing diapers, make time for connecting and learning to be a couple with a kid and without a kid (when you're kiddo is in daycare).

6. You're gonna buy a lot of baby stuff you'll end up not needing. It's fine, you're figuring this out by trying things.

7. Baby-led Weaning was amazing for us. No purees. No special "baby food". At six months, our kid ate with us on the table, same food as us. Really helps their independence, easier on groceries, and helps to bond eating the same thing together.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#53

Post by ranko » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:20 PM UTC

dbingham wrote: post #37

jmpman wrote: post #9

There are no changing tables in the men’s restroom. Well, sometimes there are, but I can’t tell you how awful they are. Quite filthy and often in questionable mechanical shape… just keep telling your wife this. Have your fellow fathers tell their wives this.

Don't tell your wives, tell the owners/operators of the establishment. Don't give in to that kind of societal inequality - change it.

I think OP was suggesting that if you hint (or state explicitly) that men's restrooms are unsuitable for nappy changing, you'll be able to avoid an unpleasant chore (by pushing it onto your partner).

Honestly, changing nappies isn't that bad, particularly for your own child, and even if it was, this is a pretty selfish attitude to take.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#54

Post by jchallis » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:22 PM UTC

Some things I’d do again:

The amount of work in your life has now more than effectively doubled- find ways to remove load as quickly as possible . There are laundry, cleaning , food services etc and you should use them to the point of feeling guilty. My wife’s work gave her $4000 in meal kits for our daughters first year driven by her very hard-nosed boss (and former working mom) - we can all emulate her wise example.

Don’t be bullied by parents and family on kids. As others have said their advice is pretty limited to their experience and after a few days may be / may not be helpful. For me the biggest help of grandparents was in keeping the older kids occupied when new arrivals came.

Be careful around water. Accidental drownings are super easy with this set.

Some things I’d do differently :

Get work squared away so you can support mom. If she’s breastfeeding there’s a lot of load she’s going to bear and having work stuff interfere will make you tired and ineffective.

Sleep more. I’ve never been so tired as my first who refused to sleep consistently for three months.

Some super biased thoughts on stuff:

I get every new parent in my life a set of Aden and Anais Muslim swaddle blankets - family, friends , coworkers. Good swaddles make your life so much easier.

Start a college savings fund and tell everyone you’d prefer they contribute to that vs plastic junk. You might get a few takers on something with enduring value.

You are about to get a tsunami of useless crap from lots of well(?)-meaning people in your life. Keep a pretty clear shot for the useless things to go to donate or other parents. 80% of what you receive rounds to useless.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#55

Post by ranko » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:22 PM UTC

omginternets wrote: post #42

h2odragon wrote: post #3

They may want to give a new Mom a contraceptive shot. They may sneak it in even if you've vociferously refused. Our experience was that it drove my wife almost insane and severely damaged her bonding with our daughter. It was 8 months before the shit faded and she came back to herself. If you plan to do the baby sling thing and keep your child with you as much as you can; start practicing wearing the sling (with weig…

What’s this about giving mothers a contraceptive shot??

I'm struggling to believe this - without informed consent this has to be medical malpractice (enough to end someone's career) and/or a crime.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#56

Post by fps_doug » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:23 PM UTC

wittjeff wrote: post #12

Anxiety, anger, and pain share some circuitry in the brain. If you're feeling like you're going to have a short-fuse (easily angered) day with your kid, pop one ibuprofen. I found it helped replenish the zen/chill reserves immensely when I really needed it. But watch your total consumption of all pain killers; they do cumulative damage to your liver.

Even if you're somewhere in the middle, don't let the baby crying stress you out. It's obviously some sort of instinct that your crying child triggers, but really, they're not gonna die if you let them cry for a few more minutes. With my first child, whenever she cried, I got really stressed out and tried to figure out and then accommodate her as quickly as possible, as if every second counts.

Take your time, especially if you're easily angered, like the parent comment mentions. If your baby just won't stop crying no matter what you try or do and you feel like you might be losing it, just put it back in the crib, leave the room for 5 minutes and come back when you calmed down.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#57

Post by itsmemattchung » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:23 PM UTC

djpr wrote: post #52

1. Your life will be utterly transformed. My child has been a source of wonder and joy, but also immense challenge. Stop comparing to your previous life, you gotta dive into it. 2. Get fit. You'll likely end up needing to carry a lot of baby and toddler stuff for some time. 3. Grow your empathy muscle. It isn't easy being a newborn or a kid. There's so much they don't understand, get confused or frustrated about. So…

> Get fit. You'll likely end up needing to carry a lot of baby and toddler stuff for some time.

Spot on. Grew up as an athlete, thinking I'd be impervious to dad bod. Nope. It happens, very gradually, then all at once. Seriously — it'll be difficult but establish a self-care routine that incorporates both physical and mental exercise.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#58

Post by wai1234 » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:23 PM UTC

This one is too easy :)

99% of the parenting advice you will get will be crap. Your child will be unique. In fact, every child is unique even within a family. My two sons are very different.

Parenting is a procedurally generated open world game. The mechanics are known (like changing diapers, so learn how) but you can't predict what's over the next hill.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#59

Post by scruple » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:24 PM UTC

Bunch of random, pre-coffee thoughts here... We have 3 kids that are 3 and under (twin toddlers and an infant).

I started reading a lot right before our twins were born. I wanted to make it my go to habit vs. sitting at a computer or spending too much time on my phone. That worked out well and our twins, now 3, love to read and love being read to. We read as a family and I read to them every single night and it's one of the things we all look forward to the most in our day. We now go to the library together on Saturday mornings and pick up new books for the week.

As someone else said, when they're very young get used to sleeping when they sleep.

We had a Snoo (rental /, paid by my wife's employer) for all 3 of our kids. It worked well with the twins (both girls) but our infant (a boy) wanted nothing to do with it. We do use noise machines and they work well. Hatch makes a nice one which is programmable and doubles as a light.

Speaking of light: We have completely blacked out our bedrooms since right before our twins arrived. We use small egg lights on their dimmest setting at night to navigate our bedroom, where our infants crib is and where he still sleeps.

Sleep training worked well for us with all 3 kids but it's hard. I think it's controversial but we used the "cry it out" method with all 3 and I am happy to report that it took less than a week for each kid to be able to sleep on their own and most often through the night.

Help with everything. Change diapers, do dishes, wash bottles, handle the laundry. I handled almost all of the bottle feeding for our twins (our infant exclusively nurses), only 1 of them nursed at all and she only nursed twice a day. Breastfeeding and pumping takes up a ton of moms time and energy.

I learned a handful of easy recipes and made them in batches and kept them in the fridge. Meal prep but like recipes that you can speed run. That helped a lot, otherwise I think we'd have been eating infrequently and mostly eating out.

Invest in a baby carrier (I've used the same ergobaby one for all 3 kids) and when the baby has head control you can start to carry them, it sounds obvious and ridiculous but it makes a huge difference to have both of your hands available.

edit/ Echoing another sentiment I just saw: Work on your fitness. Parenting is a very physical job. I've maintained a lifting and running routine throughout all of this madness and it's paid off tremendously.

My wife found a "recipe" online for a diaper spray that we use that is incredible. I don't have the link but it's coconut oil, baby castille soap, and water. Stuff is amazing with poops

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#60

Post by Freak_NL » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:24 PM UTC

Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so.

If you're going to do that anyway because of religion you won't be convinced otherwise of course.

If you're not a follower of one of those religions that stimulate this, and not an American (or, I think, South Korean), carry on. The thought wouldn't have crossed your mind. As a European the percentage of parents in the US that still chose to mutilate the genitals of their young sons always astounds me¹.

1: https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/circumcisio...