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Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

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Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#51

Post by roenxi »

gnicholas wrote: post #23
awb wrote: post #6

The book Non-violent Communication is a great way to “do no harm” in challenging conversations. As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: https://authenticrelating.co/ But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empath…

I've heard of NVC several times here on HN, and whenever I've looked into it I've come away with the following conclusion: This seems like something that might work if all involved were using it. But it seems like it would be ineffective and/or annoying to people who are not familiar with it or do not believe in it. I'd be curious to hear from people who have used NVC techniques with the uninitiated. Are there situat…

NVC is a relatively complicated framework because it calls on people to distinguish between what they think is obviously true ("you must be thinking this!") from what is actually true ("you did this, this and this and I felt that") in a more objective world.

But at the end of the day it is a framework for clear, effective communication that guides the practitioner to:

1) Ask for things that they might be given.

2) To investigate how other people are responding to what they observe.

If NVC doesn't work with a communication partner, the next best option is not to communicate. Other strategies are basically forced to either ask for things that can't be given and to ignore other people's responses. Neither of those is a clever approach to relationships.

Non sequiter, but addressing a common mistake, it isn't "Nice, Nonviolent Communication". In theory it'd be possible to tell someone that you're about to murder them while still applying the NVC principles. It is misnamed.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#53

Post by rutierut »

If you really want to fix it, take the AoA connection course with someone close to you. It will probably be pretty tough, a lot of people drop out, but it sounds like exactly what you need. It's unreasonably effective and is heavy on the integration, not just theory.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#54

Post by noduerme »

You only get someone to talk about their vulnerabilities if you can be honest about your own. Some bad things happened to you - some things that weren't fair, made you feel weak. Just like her. It's hard to talk about them for you, just like it's hard for her to talk about hers. But telling a girl you love (do you love her?) what happened to you doesn't make you weak. Being able to talk about it is a strength, not a weakness; just like forgiveness is not weakness either. You gotta forgive her beforehand for everything she'll ever say to you. Then you can start by sharing yours, the hard beats you took in life and every time you were humiliated by someone else -- those are what are called your "vulnerabilities" -- and don't expect anything back from her. You better treat her like a friend who you can tell anything to, who you know won't judge you. And if you're honest, she'll tell you hers when she's ready. And you never, ever judge her for it.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#55

Post by antics9 »

As someone already said, firstly: STFU, be attentive and listen.

You need to understand when it is a one way or two way communication.

When the other person is having a monologue and is sharing something concerning to them, or even just some neutral event that happened during the day, you just listen attentively like you would when listening to someone reading a book for you. Then you stay within a "tell me more" response.

When the situation requires a dialogue, however, you stay within the proximity of shared experiences. Here you don't venture into advice space unless the other part explicitly requests that.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#56

Post by pell »

drewcoo wrote: post #14
awb wrote: post #6

The book Non-violent Communication is a great way to “do no harm” in challenging conversations. As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: https://authenticrelating.co/ But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empath…

I find NVC to be harmful and passive aggressive when wielded by some people. Any time we talk empathy it can turn into "what someone else just knows you're thinking" and the slippery slope into thought policing. And I've only heard of NVC folks using that. Personally, I prefer what can be demonstrably shown via past behavior combined with a sense of charity.

I think NVC is a dangerous tool in the wrong hands (or mouth if you will). Or to put it a bit more fairly: I think, it’s easy to miss some of the nuance when reading the book and applying its principles without proper nuance. One of its cornerstones are reflections of the other party’s comments and feelings. Yet statements which are meant to display empathy can sound rather condescending. In an agitated state I might consider the following to be the verbal version of a middle finger: “Okay, so what I’m hearing is you’re angry because I broke my promise to you.” And the book is filled with such examples.

That said, NVC can be a really powerful tool if used with proper delicacy however. The idea of listening, reflecting verbally what and that you heard and then speaking from your perspective with clear markers without aggression can be a very strong way of having challenging conversations.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#57

Post by borski »

jmyeet wrote: post #46

A good place to start is just to STFU. This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem. I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this…

My magic words for this are simply “tell me more.” Eventually, by listening actively, I can put myself in their shoes and empathize. And once they’ve talked it out, if they even need help, I ask if they want it and are open to it. If they say no, all good! If they say yes, then we can dive in.

This has taken me many years to get better at, and I still suck at it, but it’s improved for sure.

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#58

Post by gepiti »

antics9 wrote: post #55

As someone already said, firstly: STFU, be attentive and listen. You need to understand when it is a one way or two way communication. When the other person is having a monologue and is sharing something concerning to them, or even just some neutral event that happened during the day, you just listen attentively like you would when listening to someone reading a book for you. Then you stay within a "tell me more" res…

Many years ago a plane crash killed many residents of a Swiss village. The government sent a Psychologist to assist with the mourning and loss but nobody wanted to talk to him. However, everybody accepted the village Priest in their homes. So the Psychologist asked the Priest: "What do you tell them?" and the answer was "Nothing. I just sit there with them in silence".

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#59

Post by tlrobinson »

jmyeet wrote: post #46

A good place to start is just to STFU. This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem. I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this…

> This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems

For a humorous take on this, see "It's Not About The Nail": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

Re: Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

#60

Post by ThinkBeat »

I will voice a probably unpopular response.

Note: This "use case" is written if the OP has to handle someone suffering from traumatic experiences that can be considered out the norm and even extreme.

My only credentials is that I have spent a lot of time in psychiatric care and in hospitals.

It is quite helpful to have been there and done that. Both specifically and in a larger sense.

It is hard to understand the mindset and the internals of having to deal with something highly traumatic unless you have experienced it yourself.

You can learn about it from reading a book sure but it is at an abstract. It doesn't fill the colors, the anguish, the sights you cant get rid of.

Exposure and repetition can also help. If you are a psychologist who have worked with people in deep despair over time and multiple cases you can start to put more puzzle pieces together.

If you ask if a person "wants to talk about it" and the person says no. No means no. Try to find some activity or topic entirely unrelated, or just give the person space.

If someone does want to talk about it. Sit down, shut up, clear your brain, and listen closely. Be prepared for what might be a horrible story. Be prepared for details you would prefer not to hear. Be prepared for crying, angry outbursts.

Platitudes can help and can be destructive. Depending on the person. Sometimes it can help if the person is responsive. Sometimes it can spike anger. If the person responds negatively just stop with the platitudes full stop.. Then listen closely, imagine where the person is mentally, mostly keep quiet but see if you can say something relevant to where the person is.

Overall it takes time. Not just a conversation. Many conversations, Always wait until the person seems to indicate further interaction, . Dont nag about it. That is unwise.

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