51–60 of 182 posts
Finding lower stakes situations in which you can practice is key.
It's not. I think you just need to go out more. Social skills are not improved by spending all your time indoor in front of your computer playing with the latest cool new framework, or learning about ML from youtube or grinding leetcode for that next fancy job or playing videogames or watching Netflix. IMHO social skills are easy to pick up, and that's coming from an introvert, you just need to put yourself out there…
> you just need to put yourself out there as much as possible in as many new situations as possible That's a big "just". It takes a lot of time and effort that you might want to spend elsewhere: https://blog.asmartbear.com/two-big-things.html > so these people are most likely the ones who have spend their prime years mostly indoor in front of a screen working away on code and algos, chasing that top dream job, instea…
And obviously, OP feels this is a problem for him, and if so, he should know how to abd be able to address it.
It's not. I think you just need to go out more. Social skills are not improved by spending all your time indoor in front of your computer playing with the latest cool new framework, or learning about ML from youtube or grinding leetcode for that next fancy job or playing videogames or watching Netflix. IMHO social skills are easy to pick up, and that's coming from an introvert, you just need to put yourself out there…
> you just need to put yourself out there as much as possible in as many new situations as possible That's a big "just". It takes a lot of time and effort that you might want to spend elsewhere: https://blog.asmartbear.com/two-big-things.html > so these people are most likely the ones who have spend their prime years mostly indoor in front of a screen working away on code and algos, chasing that top dream job, instea…
This is largely derived from parts of the Big Five personality traits.
Many techy people, or broadly nerds, are more interested in things than people. Not exactly a surprise I'm sure you will agree.
This lack of interest in people means that you don't focus on the subject matter in question, other people, and in a social interaction you will be mainly thinking about yourself and how you are acting.
Most people who are relatively social will indeed become subject matter experts on the business of interacting with others. There is a lifetimes worth of subtle information in body language, and a delicate interplay of social signalling and expression that make up our interactions with others. Most geeks just try to cram learning it all into pitifully shallow disparate interactions.
It is so powerful, that it trumps almost any competence in other fields and (with the assistance of decaying moral integrity in society at large ) leads us to the world of nepotism and cronyism we have today.
A lot of the time, when we "try to improve our social skills", we are consciously trying and change/control the things we say and do, whereas the things that people are responding to are things we have no conscious control over or even awareness of, such as our eye movements, facial/hand/body tics, posture, breathing, and other very subtle signals in the way we speak and engage with others.
Years ago I spent quite some time trying to consciously improve my social skills - including the kinds of techniques taught in the "pickup" community back in the mid 00s when The Game came out. It got me nowhere, and I hated how manipulative it felt.
Later I discovered some subconscious emotional healing techniques. I've been undertaking them consistently for nearly 10 years, and things just keep getting better steadily. I haven't worried about consciously trying to be better socially, other than just generally being polite and attentive to people, but my relationships have all improved.
(That said, I've also become a better programmer, and better at working in teams, as I've become less anxious and better able to work through challenges and obstacles without getting flustered).
It could be that you didn't have enough proper socialization yet, either by the education you received, your predisposition towards it, or just from what your environment offers.
There's also lots of people that after +10 years doing math at school they suck at it, because they never did it in a meaningful way and were never interested.
There's also the option that, just like some people are not intelligent and can't do well in maths, some people do not do well in social interaction because of how their brain works (neuredivergent people for example). However, if you care about it and want to improve, that's already a huge step.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
> you just need to put yourself out there as much as possible in as many new situations as possible That's a big "just". It takes a lot of time and effort that you might want to spend elsewhere: https://blog.asmartbear.com/two-big-things.html > so these people are most likely the ones who have spend their prime years mostly indoor in front of a screen working away on code and algos, chasing that top dream job, instea…
I find min-maxing real life rarely to be a good strategy. And obviously, OP feels this is a problem for him, and if so, he should know how to abd be able to address it.
The GP addresses "tech workers" in general, not just OP with comments about sitting indoors. My response is in that context, not directed at OP.
A huge factor in what we think are your "social skills" is actually our subconscious programming. A lot of the time, when we "try to improve our social skills", we are consciously trying and change/control the things we say and do, whereas the things that people are responding to are things we have no conscious control over or even awareness of, such as our eye movements, facial/hand/body tics, posture, breathing, an…
It's not. I think you just need to go out more. Social skills are not improved by spending all your time indoor in front of your computer playing with the latest cool new framework, or learning about ML from youtube or grinding leetcode for that next fancy job or playing videogames or watching Netflix. IMHO social skills are easy to pick up, and that's coming from an introvert, you just need to put yourself out there…
> you just need to put yourself out there as much as possible in as many new situations as possible That's a big "just". It takes a lot of time and effort that you might want to spend elsewhere: https://blog.asmartbear.com/two-big-things.html > so these people are most likely the ones who have spend their prime years mostly indoor in front of a screen working away on code and algos, chasing that top dream job, instea…
That's true for everything in life as the amount of hours in a day and the amount of days in your life is finite, so it depends on your priorities where you choose to allocate your time and effort.
Do you want to chase a top dev career and money? Fine, but don't complain you lock social skills. Do you want to chase social interactions, traveling and partying? Also fine, but don't complain you can't land a top career.
>Who is to say one is strictly better than the other?
Where did I say that one is better? My point was to exemplify that prioritizing one thing (SW career for example) for multiple years has a consequences of leaving you behind in other areas (social contacts and experiences).
>Sitting indoors in front of a screen for a few years can set you up for life.
True, and maybe it does, but what if it doesn't due to other factors out of your control and it was survivorship bias at play so you spent your prime years chasing wheelchair wealth instead of enjoying the years and experiences that are never coming back? You can't go back to the high-school or college parties you missed out on, if you're set up for life in your 30's. Time waits for no man and there are no guarantees in life. Even the whole "set up for life" allegory can be a wild goose chase, as unless you have full health and fuck you money, you're never really set-up for life.
Again, neither approach is bad or wrong, but it's important to constantly evaluate the consequences and drawbacks of your choices and make corrections when necessary to make sure you stay on track of doing what makes you happy and not get stuck mindlessly running on a hamster wheel chasing a carrot on a stick till you drop dead because of FOMO or pressure from society.
It's not. I think you just need to go out more. Social skills are not improved by spending all your time indoor in front of your computer playing with the latest cool new framework, or learning about ML from youtube or grinding leetcode for that next fancy job or playing videogames or watching Netflix. IMHO social skills are easy to pick up, and that's coming from an introvert, you just need to put yourself out there…
I can try to help out with my haphazard guide to social skills that I’ve picked up from my experiences. This is tailored to the biases most nerds have towards social interactions. 1. Stop trying to make sense of everything people do in social situations using logic. There is a deeper logic to most things people do however you are much better off imitating what others do at first. And then observing and taking feedbac…