Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

One more thing I think helps a lot is to try to have "life as usual" for your mother where possible, maybe organise events at home/hospital, have dinners, jokes. I did film watching, me cooking, reading books for my mum.

The timing of this post is too real. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's likely not any solace, but I've gone through and am currently going through something similar.

I'm working as a software engineer and I love solving problems but in this situation I'm absolutely helpless and I'm incapable of contributing in the slightest. It feels horrible. It can be hard to focus at work, but it is a distraction.

My mother just beat breast cancer not too long ago, it was a very long road, numerous surgeries, chemotherapy, an insane amount of pills, appointments, it's been hard. In the spring she was declared cancer free, we threw a party, everyone had a great summer, planned a few trips, but come this fall noticed something wasn't quite right with balance.

Dropped her off for a simple checkup. Maybe she just needed some physical therapy? Didn't hear back from her for a few days. They did an MRI and some tests. I get a call from her a few days later. Turns out now she's got brain cancer. It's in the pons. No surgeon will touch it, they can't even biopsy it because any mistake can prevent breathing or other critical functions. They still can't figure out where it came from. She got sent to Mayo for research and pulling at team together.

Her symptoms quickly got worse, blurred vision, losing control of her entire left side, so they immediately started radiation. We don't know where it's going to go from here because they don't know what to do. To make matters worse she's a teacher that almost got to retirement and is fighting every day with paperwork and countless calls and administrative offices to deal with insurance benefits, COBRA, pension, and disability. She used up all PTO and whatever benefits to get through breast cancer. It's a mess.

To answer your question, I don't know. I spend a lot of time at the gym and trying to occupy my mind with other things but it doesn't always work.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My little girl had heart disease and a rare genetic condition, she was very sick and spent 7 of her 8 months in the ICU. Her condition was obviously chronic, my wife and I assumed her path would follow that of other children with the same/similar conditions: few weeks/months in the ICU, a few surgeries, then as they slowly get bigger + stronger, they have less appointments, less hospitalisations, more normality, etc, but still chronic, and still have very specific care needs that would affect our life, and our job/work for the foreseeable future.

I worked everyday from her ICU room, except for two weeks I took off around the time of birth. I was saving the remainder of my PTO/sick leave for when we were at home, and mom returned to work. Working in an ICU meant I was there in body, but not in spirit, semi glued to my laptop, as we're told my child has a genetic abnormality, a brain bleed, neuroblastoma, etc. One of my biggest regrets is working during that time. She passed away in May, I was told I was entitled to X bereavement days, and then X FLMA days. My wife and I went on vacation for 2 weeks, and I think I had about a month off total. My FMLA leave was denied (after the fact) because it doesn't cover death, only serious illness. I think bereavement leave was 3-5 days, so the remainder was personal PTO. Health insurance is through my employer, so I obviously had the "if I quit, she'll be uninsured, what if she needs another heart surgery, etc." looming over my head. So I just shut up and got on with it, and honestly, I think I'll go to my own grave with it being my biggest regret. Just my 2c.

Spend as much time as you can with them, reminisce about your life together, avoid anything negative, decorate their room (if they're hospitalised) with personal things (an xmas tree, new year banner, family photos, etc), play games (if able), play music, pay some bills (if they still have a mortgage, pick up a payment or two), speak to your boss/HR, see what you're entitled to, TAKE IT ALL, and apply for whatever protection you can (FMLA, etc), consider if quitting and being unemployed is a possibility, take time for yourself, your mood will affect their mood, I out-griefed my grief councillor, but I think I still would like to talk to another/or therapist when I find a suitable one, avoid drinking/drugs in excess, listen to their favourite music, buy a voice recorder and have family record music, prayers, songs, stories, books, etc. anything to lessen the beeps/alarms. Wear comfy clothes/shoes, drink water, they'll still worry about you (their child) so make sure you try to take the best care of yourself, too. Tell them you love them. Try and find healthy habits. Skip the elevator, take the stairs. Cook meals, possibly set up a meal train (mealtrain.com). I guess most important, is treat them normally, being on the receiving end of sympathy gets overwhelming fast. Actually, probably most important, laugh. My wife and I made fun of everything we could, even the sad/bad stuff, joking/laughing lessens the blow.

My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. After it spread to her brain, she had a surgery which, due to a medical error, caused her to have a stroke. She spend the last 4 years of her life almost completely blind in both eyes and paralyzed on the right side of her body.

I'm also an expatriate, seeing her suffer from a distance was extremely challenging, and I regret not being physically closer while she was alive.

I don't have any advice for you except that I deeply sympathize with your situation. I found that work was a good distraction for a few hours a day. There's no right or wrong set of feelings.

I wish you, your Mom and your family all the best.

So, personally speaking, my mother has had breast cancer - and my dad has gone through a hat-trick. Prostate cancer in his mid fifties, kidney cancer about two years ago (in his seventies) and a pretty slow moving lung cancer about six months ago (that won't get him for quite a while so we're not doing anything about it). For my mother the cancer was caught early but still resulted in a mastectomy - an operation that can be emotionally difficult but thankfully was early enough to be a complete elimination. For my father the prostate cancer was caught relatively early and surgery and light kemo got him through - the kidney cancer was the really close scare with it coming on undetected until stage three when he was having appetite issues due to the mass blocking his GI functions - surgery and heavy drug use was required in treatment but the surgery was risky enough that me and my brother flew in to take care of household things and help mom and pop through it.

I tend to compartmentalize quite heavily, I have friends at work I explained it all to - and one of them lent me some extremely emotional graphic novels that helped me get a lot of my weeping out on my flight over to my family then I could focus on emotional and physical care. I kept working up until the day of my flight and buried myself in work - I'm sure I wasn't the most efficient employee during that stretch but it helped me to surround myself with a problem space that I could solve.

The difficulty with being a developer is that we can solve so many insanely weird and obscure problems that it becomes habit forming much to the detriment of the health of our relationships and our mental health during existential crises. When a family member has cancer you can assist with everything that's do-able but the actual solutions come from the doctors and pure fucking chance - so my best advice to cope with the issues is that you can help in the small ways and it's immensely appreciated. Cook meals, play games (when my dad was sequestered for surgery we, the family, were sent home since it was a long operation - he had his smart phone and was changing the color of the smart bulbs in the house when conscious) and listen to requests.

If you're feeling overwhelmed then talk to your manager and go on bereavement leave or else just take some unpaid time - if your company isn't the absolute worst then hopefully people above you will understand that you just need time to sort yourself out. If you need to quit then do it - but avoid it if you can because that can just be added stress.

I don't know if any of this was helpful - but I hope everything goes well for you, it's an extremely painful process (he types while tearing up).