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Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

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Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#51

Post by WheelsAtLarge »

Minimize the amount of comflict at work by not holding grudges. You won't get a long with every one but that does not mean you have to add to the conflict by constantly bickering with the co-workers you don't get along with. Call a truce and focus on work rather than conflict.

Also get to know your boss' boss. Make sure they understand your value to the company. Don't be afraid of them.

Lastly we all fall into groups and many times it's a battle between dept a and dept b which is useless. Get to know people outside the group you identify with.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#52

Post by cannonedhamster »

whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Just getting along with people is pretty reductionist on that idea I agree. It's a fantastic book and I agree with you on every part other than that bit of explanation. I think a better way to phrase it might be to find a way to say things in ways that aren't offensive, which takes a long time to learn, and don't look for a fight when it isn't looking for you. You're not always going to be able to say the same thing to different people and get the same results, this is a lesson that took me a long time to learn. I would say things I didn't find offensive in the slightest, nor did I mean in any way insulting, however others would take it as a personal insult, even if it was just simply the reality of the situation.

A way to meet the second part of don't go looking for a fight is to follow advice that's actually a rule here and assume the best possible interpretation of what's being said.

I really love this recommendation.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#53

Post by mparkola »

ravenstine wrote: post #47
noname_jabroni wrote: post #2

We were born with 2 ears and 1 mouth - listen more than you speak... I found that this drives all other areas of interpersonal interaction: you need to understand where someone else is coming from / what their motivations are before trying to "fix" things or "pitch" them... sometimes people just want to be heard above all else Honestly and simplicity are the best policy. Don't bs, don't overpromise, own up to your fa…

> you need to understand where someone else is coming from / what their motivations are before trying to "fix" things or "pitch" them. To extend upon that, I think listening is important in order to understand what people actually mean by what they say. Just because what they are saying is imperfect doesn't mean that the actual point they are trying to get across is invalid. I've noticed that people spend effort comi…

I think this perspective/skill is extremely powerful. It is also extremely hard.

I try to repeat to myself "find something to agree with" whenever I encounter a difficult situation. Sometimes I succeed.

Other questions I found useful are:

"In what circumstances does that make sense?" "What part of that might be useful?"

This is also a step in the "Five Secrets of Effective Communication" as described in the Feeling Good podcast.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#54

Post by jamesrcole »

randcraw wrote: post #16

People are 100X more sensitive to negativity than positivity. So if you feel the need to say something negative, either wait for someone else to say it so you can laugh and agree, or say nothing at all. Likewise, offer your opinion as little as possible unless it's positive or you've been explicitly asked for criticism. And even then describe how the thing could be improved, not how it sucked or how much.

If everyone followed that advice, nobody would ever express their opinion and nobody would ever say anything negative.

Being able to critique things is really important. It's essential for identifying problems, developing good ideas, and improving systems and products and well as people's personal development.

You say to explain how things could be improved rather than talk about the problems with them. The problem with that approach is it's usually important to first identify exactly what the problem is, before coming up with ideas for how to fix it. Sometimes it's not obvious how to improve things. It may take days or weeks to get to that point.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#55

Post by technofiend »

I hate to admit it but one of my bosses taught me that building consensus is a double edged sword and it can be used as weapon. Up until working with him I naively assumed we could all get in a room, hash out our technical differences and agree to a solution.

That only works when everyone is (from your perspective) not a bad actor. But how do you deal with an Executive Director who will bald-faced lie and say whatever he needs to say to ensure his deadlines are met and your needs are completely ignored?

My boss taught me how to pin that ED down and get what I need by documenting everything to exhaustion but also by building consensus around the bad actor so his peers were on board with forcing him to comply. I hope to never find myself in that situation again.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#56

Post by cannonedhamster »

issa wrote: post #48

The hardest lesson for me is that, especially at large companies, things don't happen for good reasons. Meaning if you are used to the world making sense, you're in trouble. One example that jumps to mind is the flak I took for deciding to change my team from subversion to git. It sounds crazy even typing that!

Something I've had to learn with larger organizations is that the logic at the top isn't always conveyed to the bottom. Perverse incentives play heavily into this. An example of this is executive bonuses. Everyone knows that for long term health of a company short term gains should be subservient to long term gains. Bonus structures are typically structured for short term, which means that in order for an employee to get a bonus they have to do something that farms the company long term.

Another example is RIFs (reduction in force). An executive in IT gets a bonus for cost containment by not hiring appropriately. This leads to longer hold times, poorer service techs, and less training. Overall it costs the company more time lost and wasted effort, but this isn't tracked, only bottom line. The exec gets his bonus for cost cutting and the company gets less efficient and effective for it.

This is a major problem in large corporations and why CEOs are really useless employees in most cases, and almost universally overpaid compared to results. Generally a company could do without a CEO it choose one at random and get the same results.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#58

Post by TravelN0mad »

JMTQp8lwXL wrote: post #32
Clubber wrote: post #3

Don't be an asshole. I can't stress this one enough. I don't care how smart you are, if you are an asshole, your career is not gonna work out. Try really hard not to be negative, even when there is reason to be. Try not to be openly negative about the company or a particular employee. It's poison for you and your teammates and makes you feel worse. Don't get defensive when someone makes suggestions to your code (I st…

So, what should self worth be based on? "I'm valuable just because I exist?" I'm not suggesting that's what you mean, but to me, that interpretation would be a bit arrogant. Isn't there some value in partially placing our self worth based on other's opinions-- so we can attempt to reproduce/be more of the things others find best in ourselves?

> "I'm valuable just because I exist?"

That's a start. What missguided thinking would suggest otherwise?

But that doesn't mean, that you are valuable (able to provide value) to someone else.

However, the point about self worth, I like to make is: self worth starts with you - based on experience, and obviously supported by a feedback loop you gain confidence in what you're good at, and what not.

So, the best way to gain self worth is by gaining confidence, is by gaining experience.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#59

Post by aaronbrethorst »

ajxs wrote: post #34
bnjms wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you say white kind of warning signs were on display? This sounds like something I would walk into.

It sounds like I'm being very petty bringing these kinds of thing up, but I'll go into a bit more detail. This particular employee was extremely critical of fellow employees at his own level, and would make extremely overt attempts to ingratiate himself with senior employees and managers. We used to interview potential candidates for junior positions together. One very odd behaviour that he'd exhibit that really rubb…

I've worked with someone who acted, down to the very last detail, exactly like what you describe. The rot went all the way to the top. Really, it was the CEO's fault that he allowed this sort of culture to flourish under him, and the company ultimately collapsed in pretty spectacular fashion.

I treated the whole thing as a learning experience and have successfully managed to avoid ending up in a similar situation since.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#60

Post by manasgarg »

Accepting people as they are. I haven’t found anything more powerful when it comes to interacting with people. I worked my way through personality types, influence, negotiations and a bunch of other so called soft skills.

Wholehearted acceptance of people; their motivations and fears; their habits and aspirations. When I am able to exercise this superpower (which does not happen often), I am able to open them up and change their trajectory. And in process, I myself learn and grow.

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