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Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

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Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#51

Post by Qz »

My one suggestion would be to avoid labeling yourself as an 'introvert' too quickly. I went through most of my childhood/adolescence as the shy/quiet type with few friends and not a whole lot of social interaction, and would have been quickly labeled an introvert. But it turns out I really like socializing with new people and doing things like going to (non-techie) parties or similar nightlife type things, although I'm still not the most outgoing person among the people I know.

Am I an extrovert? Was I really ever an introvert? Are you? Does it really help to label yourself one way or the other?

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#54

Post by ajju »

I think the key is not falling prey to popular notions of what the word 'introvert' means. Very few people are introverts across the board. As you note, you yourself are communicative with people who share similar interests.

What may not be as plain to you is that shared interests take unexpected forms. You may not think of yourself as interested in sales, but chances are, if you end up developing physics simulation software and try to sell it, you will find you enjoy the process.

That's what happened to me. Techie turned sales guy (founder). Never thought selling software would be so much fun or so satisfying, but it is (probably because I wrote much of it). When I am selling software, I find myself as extroverted as any other sales guy I've met.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#55

Post by lionhearted »

sivers wrote: post #28

You'd be surprised how many of us really are introverts. I talk about this subject with successful people quite often at conferences like TED, because it's so difficult and painful for me to be social even for a few hours a day at these events. Almost everyone says the same thing, "Oh no. I'm an introvert. This is exhausting to me. I can't wait to get back to my room. But I can keep it up for a couple necessary hours…

> Almost everyone says the same thing, "Oh no. I'm an introvert. This is exhausting to me. I can't wait to get back to my room. But I can keep it up for a couple necessary hours."

That's it right there - introverts are people who recover energy by being alone or in smaller, more intimate, less crazy groups. Extroverts recover energy being with other people.

There's a difference between being introverted and reclusive - there's plenty of ways to connect with people that'll recharge as an introvert. When I lived in Boston, I talked to the owner of Samurai Restaurant and she let me set up a little place in the back and play Go with a friend for a few hours so long as we ordered a bit, or have small meetings there. It was cool, minimal, private area with lots of space, kind of hidden and half-underground, and we had a lovely time drinking tea and playing Go or talking philosophy or whatever.

If you're introverted, you've got to think a little on how to socialize and be recharged from it, but you definitely can find something that's suitable for you and run with it. In fact, it's almost required to stay mentally healthy. Introversion is good and fine, reclusiveness usually has bad side effects.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#56

Post by GrandMasterBirt »

I was an insane introvert until I met my (later to be) wife. She pushed me into many different social events and clubs that even though I was around people like me, I just wanted to have fun and wound up being quite social. At my first job it was hard to gather a group for lunch, I tried every day though, second job was not hard but nobody with common interests. Third job nobody ate together so I made sure to always invite people to lunch until it became the culture (nobody gives me credit but I don't care). Being around people all the time helps a lot. Also helps if you have witty people to make fun of you and force you to develop wit.

In the end, social skills are like math, they are not spectator sports.

I am still an introvert, but I tend to be social, and enjoy being around other people. Often I like to be left alone, but now it is by choice. The line REALLY blurred within the last 3-5 years or so. The main point to take away is: Is being an introvert making you unhappy? Change it. Otherwise be what you are and be proud of it.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#57

Post by frossie »

I came to this late, and I see most of the replies are focussing on the issues of introversion v. social skills. I just want to highlight these two lines:

My social skills are going down exponentially day by day. I tend to be communicative with people who share similar interests

At the risk of reading too much in these two lines: it is not unusual, as one gets older, to narrow down your acquaintances to those who (gasp) actually share the same interests as you. Many people find that their social needs are met perfectly well by people they have a lot in common with, and that life is too short to maintain relationships that are not genuinely rewarding.

So this is not a problem per se, provided that you personally are not unhappy about the state of affairs. The only issue with the catalogue of interests given (physics, hacking, heavy metal) is that if you prefer females as your romantic partners, you are making things a bit difficult for yourself, statistically speaking.

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#58

Post by astrofinch »

Asking whether you're "OK" or not is a useless question.

A useful question to ask would be whether it's worth running experiments on yourself to see if you can affect your introversion. For example, if you always start a conversation with a stranger at lunch on Tuesdays and Fridays, do you become more comfortable with this as time goes by?

Another useful question to ask is whether it's worth reading about introversion in order to gain insight in to what it is and how to deal with it. Your starting this thread was an implicit "yes" answer to this question.

But it's totally useless to ask whether you're somehow "OK" or not as a result of being introverted. Thinking that you're not "OK" is an evolved adaptation for hunkering down because you're afraid you might get kicked out of the tribe and therefore be unable to survive/reproduce. This isn't something you need to worry about in the modern era. In other words, due to the marvel of modern technology and societal structure, you are always "OK".

http://xkcd.com/391/

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#59

Post by MK5 »

Being introvert doesn't mean being antisocial and being social doesn't mean publishing your life on Facebook and high-5ing every dudes you meet.

Just be yourself. Talk to the ones you want to talk and share things you like to share with friends. Be nice to the people you care and never be an ass even with people you don't really admire. That's the basics and it worked pretty well for me since I've met the girl I love and the friends with whom I've actually started our company lol

Re: Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

#60

Post by astrofinch »

Chris12345 wrote: post #31

Based on my personal experiences, one thing I'd add to this conversation is that your level of introversion may be more mutable than you may think. People often talk about the trait like it's very stable and inborn, and I think it is to an extent, but it can change over time. I give myself as an example. I'm 30 now, and up until my mid-twenties I could easily be considered introverted. I always got a strong 'I' on My…

This might sound kind of silly, but I noticed that I tend to tense my stomach up during social interactions. I've recently attempted to stop doing that so much, and I think they've become significantly easier as a result.
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