Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

The parent comment about therapy is correct (I regret not getting some myself), but I wanted to address this line directly.

I was stuck being overwhelmed from 2003 to 2019 after the death of a friend, because I had a spiritual awakening but denied it. I tried to satisfy my ego and win the internet lottery and gain external recognition of success which never came. So I lost the better part of 2 decades just going through the motions, utterly exhausted.

I had another spiritual awakening climbing out of burnout and surviving through the pandemic. This time I watched the world wrestle with every existential truth that I had suspected but which had been suppressed by the might of economics steamrolling everyone until that point.

Now I feel that reality is akin to a dream, or at least a Matrix like the movie. There are logical rules we must follow on the micro scale in the day to day where we push atoms around for income. But on the macro scale, it's more like the universe reads our mind and lays a path for us to follow whose main goal is to put us through the wringer for our spiritual growth. That can be as painful or as effortless as we choose. Western culture has no real description for this outside of religion, so all but denies its existence. But it's deeply connected with karma/sin and how we've integrated our shadow self with our outward existence.

Basically the stories I had told myself for most of my life were no longer enough to sustain me. My inner monologue had became toxic like the line above, a false exaltation to cling to when I couldn't face the road ahead of me. Here is an alternative way to write the same sentiment:

I was struggling for a long time but am grateful for the lessons that pain has taught me, even though I can't continue to cling to that pain any longer.

I found that most of the code in my brain had been co-opted by negative self-talk, to the point where it no longer worked and I lost my executive function. It was like I had a stroke and the part of my brain that controlled motivation was no longer there, or worse, actively talked me down from starting any task. I believe now that my subconscious intervened and broke the negative feedback cycle I was trapped in where the harder I tried, the harder I failed.

Once that happened, I finally understood that my mind is not my soul. My physical body and even my thoughts may suffer profoundly (or be elated) in the day to day, but I mostly observe that process playing out now. I don't subscribe to external meaning anymore. I choose what's meaningful. Because meaning isn't objective, it's subjective.

Now I meditate and have faith that I can handle life, even when it doesn't turn out the way that I want. I've found that practicing non-attachment has a funny way of revealing what's really important. Mantras help too, like aligning with heartfelt causes, for example service or being of service to others. Kind of like, strengthening the love inside to give love to others who need it. And allowing myself the same dignity to receive love. My struggles became training, my successes became miracles. And reality seems to be shifting towards this more integrated physical/spiritual whole with divine timing.

Hope something in this helps you on your journey.

It might make sense to take "under-" employment with a company that offers good health benefits, which would at least provide income and insurance to buffer the cost of therapy. It might be helpful to think of it as a "launchpad" or "staging" job. It can also be an opportunity to exercise the muscle of befriending new people (coworkers, regular customers).

In the US, Starbucks and Trader Joe's are popular launchpad choices of employer, at least in my metro area. There might be similar ones in your current home country, if it makes more logistical sense to stay local.

I would stop making threads like this. You're better off reading books. Some books stay relevant for centuries. Internet comments stay relevant for days. You have no idea who any of these people are, or if their advice is good or bad. I saw a few comments [1] [2] by people who seem to have some sort of self-awareness, but they are in the minority, most people in this thread are as clueless as you.

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34053261 [2] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34052827

I've been studying programming/webDev for the past year (since my last release from prison) with the hope of making something of myself other than being a 46 yr old ex heroin addict, ex con, etc. Looks dim for me, oh well.

I'm in a similar situation as you (regarding depression. Esp. concerning certain thoughts of cashing it all in).

I just watched a movie the other night called Stutz, a documentary by Jonah Hill about his therapist. If you can get past the parts about Jonah talking about himself, the Dr has some really excellent gems of wisdom and advice in that film.

Keep your head up bro