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Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#461

Post by kutenai »

sirspacey wrote: post #316

One mindset approach I’ve learned is to ask myself often: “Hmmm… what can I learn from this?” It reframes criticism from right/wrong or blame/defensiveness. It also helps me shift out of my own inner critic’s response - such as trying to evaluate if the person critiquing is qualified enough to do so. I’ve genuinely seen that the most intelligent & successful people I know truly believe they can learn from anyone - in…

This is the best response so far. "What can I learn from this" -- brilliant.

And, this line, double brilliant: ``` I’ve genuinely seen that the most intelligent & successful people I know truly believe they can learn from anyone - including people who are factually wrong. ```

I can't add much to this, but I'll make some additions/rephrasings

- When you submit a PR, start with the attitude "I can't wait to see what my peers point out, so I can learn from it"

- When someone points out a mistake, or flaw, or just a way to improve it.. maybe some "improved" code organization or more succinct logic, just say "Hey, THANKS!!" Be enthusiastic, appreciate their feedback, and "Opportunity" to learn. If you look at it as a "Opportunity", not as a "Criticism" then no matter what they say, you can't really be bothered by it!!! Your are uh.. anti-fragile!!

To summarize -- Don't "dread" the criticism, "Look Forward To it" -- it's how you improve, it's how we all improve.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#462

Post by solarmist »

wildrhythms wrote: post #449
gtirloni wrote: post #226

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> So you need to develop an anti-fragile attitude towards criticism The most common way I've seen this done is by becoming numb and not caring at all or thinking others are worth less than you so you shouldn't listen to them. Not options I'd choose for myself.

I think it's OK to numb yourself from certain types of feedback like insults, general toxicity, passive-aggressiveness, and so on. But I think reacting to those things should come from a place of empathy: for example I don't know what's going on in someone's life that might make them so toxic in their feedback, the toxicity is probably an outlet after many months of pent up frustrations that are the actual root of th…

Numbing and acceptance that shittyness happen are different.

I will strongly disagree that numbing is useful. I grew up extremely emotionally numb and distant. Looking back it never simplified things.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#463

Post by plorkyeran »

linster wrote: post #350
kukkeliskuu wrote: post #243

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The criticism can be useful even if it does not have good intentions. Usually those who want to hurt you, know just what to say to hurt you. If the criticism is completely baseless, it often does not make you angry, as you can trivially say why it is baseless. So it often such criticism also has an element of truth. If you are angry, it is difficult to discern what are the truths. So it is useful to approach criticis…

I’ve been in this relationship. If someone knows what to say to hurt you, and uses it with precision to cause that hurt, they’re not on your team, even if their criticism isn’t “baseless”. In the professional world, giving feedback with tact and respect for the contributor is what we get paid for and enables a team to contribute to the company’s success. If someone on the team doesn’t feel like they’re treated with r…

Nothing you say is wrong, but it's somewhat tangential to what the parent is saying. If someone is saying things to you with the intention of hurting you, you should do whatever you can to minimize interactions with that person; break up with them, try to get them fired, try to switch teams, get a new job yourself, or whatever. This does not contradict the idea that you can learn from people who aren't trying to help you, though.

Of course, the dangerous part is that you may learn the wrong thing. Extracting constructive feedback from criticism that was not intended to be constructive requires a certain level of self-confidence and psychological safety that's only possible when it's an unusual event rather than a continuous drag on your self-worth.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#464

Post by geocrasher »

Stop expecting so much of yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. What defines us is how we react to them. Don't feel bad. Feeling bad is 100% pointless. I don't mean 'psychopath level' of not feeling bad, but beating yourself up is wasted effort.

Instead, do something about it. Don't react right away. Identify why you failed, what could be done next time, and then try not to make the same mistake again. Thank your colleagues for pointing it out, and move forward.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#466

Post by rose-here »

maerF0x0 wrote: post #420
A4ET8a8uTh0 wrote: post #396

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreed. The constructive vs insults is the important piece. My senior gives me useful feedback now a regular basis. I explicitly asked him to be as direct with me as he feels is necessary and it did open my eyes to the perception of my presentations among other things. To your point, I still bristle at a random unnecessary insult.

Can you give an example of "insults"? I have to say this line of thinking really bewilders me... perhaps I've never worked in an environment with this kind of toxicity. Typically the sensitivity level of feedback in my experience has encroached into things like "Don't give 10 comments on a PR, its too many and people feel bad" (regardless of the number of faults in the code).

abusive parents lead me to reading through this. truly can scar someone for life not having a good study environment as they develop, im still trying my best to be better at studying given the help of my s/o but some days it feels actually impossible to absorb and internalize things since its truly mental anguish I'm fighting through. it would certainly help if my s/o would be understanding instead of flat out disappointed in me for doing anything but study while he works (from home, in line of site from me, but i guess he doesnt see when i get paralyzed and completely lose track of time as im in my head beating myself up for not knowing what to do.. sorry.. this is a lot rn and im supposed to be studying as i type ;v; made an account tho just to reply here)

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#467

Post by asdfman123 »

The trick is really accepting that you feel that way. When you get the notification, feel the sting, feel the embarrassment.

Maybe even write a letter in defense of yourself to the critic, but never send it.

Take a few deep breaths, and when you’re ready, move on. You’ll have dealt with the feeling but you won’t have ruffled any feathers.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#468

Post by dougb5 »

dclowd9901 wrote: post #443
lumb63 wrote: post #312

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve heard similar statements from other people, and I have a disconnect that prevents me from understanding. Why would someone want to detach their self worth from what they do? If someone ought not feel a negative emotion in response to doing something “bad”, by what logic can they justify feeling something positive in response to doing something “good”? I cannot conceive of a world view that allows one to feel pro…

Because your self worth shouldn’t be tied to how successful you are, but how willing you are to learn and grow. Nobody’s perfect nor can they be, so it’s a bad target. But everyone can be better.

It's even totally reasonable not to tie your self-worth to anything related to growth or learning or improvement or whatever. Plenty of people feel high self-worth by simply loving the people around them.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#469

Post by sb8244 »

sverona wrote: post #458
sb8244 wrote: post #393

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure you're not criticizing them as a person, but let's say they really like what they wrote. It's their masterpiece. Then someone comes in and says it's garbage that shouldn't have been written (intentionally using strong language because people do that). I don't understand not feeling bummed out by that type of critique. Sure it's not about you as a person or your values, but dang that sucks.

"Garbage that shouldn't have been written" is verging on a personal insult. That's not the kind of criticism I had in mind.

Got it, I agree that's a harsh example I wrote.

When I read "I can't stand the way some people write", I get a similar sort of feeling. The intention is not that it is a harsh statement, but to me it's very harsh (although not on the same level as the example I wrote).

To me, this highlights the problem with criticism and why the thread is a bit divisive. It's a gap between intention and perception with different end results based on how feedback is perceived.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#470

Post by rose-here »

digging wrote: post #452
solarmist wrote: post #448

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To add to this. Self-acceptance and compassion can only develop when you have a place where you feel physically, socially and emotionally safe as a base you can return to when you need to re-center. Safety gives you permission to take risks (financially, emotionally, physically, socially) by having a place to regroup.

> Self-acceptance and compassion can only develop when you have a place where you feel physically, socially and emotionally safe as a base you can return to when you need to re-center. This is something many teams misunderstand or are completely unaware of. Demonstrating understanding and compassion to one's colleague's will increase their abilities to communicate and work collaboratively.

well said :3
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