Ask HN: Are you ok?

I seriously can't think of a single woman I've ever met who sounds like that. What situation are you in where that's normal?

Yes, I am OK. In the micro, immediate term I'm a little burned out: The summer was fantastic, but draining; I have 4 weeks of PTO and I used most of it within a two-month period on 4 different trips with my family. It was tough to make sure I stayed connected enough at work, and in some ways I am still catching up a couple of weeks after returning from the last travel. Speaking of work, I'm thinking of making a MAJOR transition; it is a fantastic opportunity, but I am also concerned about the details (it is an internal move and I like the group I am with quite a bit, so I really want the things and people I'd be leaving behind to be in as good a shape as possible, avoid burning bridges, etc.) There are so many projects at home that I feel like I'll never catch up (e.g. it's the end of the summer and I haven't started building the raised garden beds that we were going to put in last year)--much of that is because other projects with higher priority bump them back in the queue, but it still rankles a bit. And our spending has been outpacing our earnings for long enough that I'm a little worried about our savings.

But longer term, things are fantastic. I've been a software developer/engineer/architect/whatever for about 16 years now, the last 12 with the same (non-FAANG) organization (though I did a similar internal transfer about 7 years ago, which has turned out to be an incredibly positive change of direction for me). I have a high degree of autonomy and several different very interesting projects that I could choose to be working on. (For example, I recently stepped back from a managerial role that has been taking most of my time for the past 3 years or so to focus more on technical work). I'm making in the low six figures, and expect to see my salary continue to increase steadily (though it will be interesting to see how my stepping back to a more technical role will be reflected). The work-life balance and corresponding flexibility that I have here are wonderful (generally 40 hours a week, and if I go over because of travel or deadlines I can usually take a corresponding amount of time off in the next pay period or two, and it only happens once or twice a year). My commute is about 15 minutes. I have a spouse and kids, and that's not without its own stresses but in general things are going well with them. I am on great terms with my parents and siblings, though I don't see them as often as I might like.

Thank you for the opportunity for me to step back and appreciate that for a minute, especially in the face of all this short-term anxiety I'm facing. If you would have told me this when I was back in highschool and the hell that that was, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Heck, if you would have told me this back when I was struggling with VBA 15 years ago in my first job, I might have been pretty skeptical (me, a manager? Pshaw!) But I am so glad that I didn't give up, that I made time to hone my skills, and that I took those uncertain leaps into the opportunities that I found.

Counterpoint: evidence of the behaviors you mention is way over-represented on the internet relative to its frequency in real life.

How does that work in practice? What do you do? I can do just about any tech job, but every employer I've ever had is only interested in more than full time.

Maybe I've been unintentionally signalling that I'm capable of doing more and that's why I keep finding myself in this situation?

I'd be much happier if I had half the salary and somehow was able to work 2x12hr days instead of 5x8hr days, but I have no idea how to find employers that would agree with that. If you could get two people like me to do 2x12 at increased productivity during work hours with half the cost, you'd be coming out ahead, and you'd have more knowledge on tap in the organization.

As a remote worker I find myself isolated a lot, mostly spending time with my kids. Although I love them, that on its own can be tough. My partner recently left me though and the isolation has become particularly awful. I lost a job over it which was unprecedented and a major blow to my ego. I've gotten past the initial shock, but the damage it did is still evident in my life.

I guess I'm okay, but I don't feel okay. I'm alone. I have a lot of friends but it feels as though I've been isolated too long to really leverage those friendships. I made major changes in my life for her, many at my expense and her benefit. In retrospect I was unwittingly setting her up to leave comfortably. If our roles were reversed people would think I did something absolutely heinous to her by leaving like that. I don't think anyone really cares what position this puts me in.

I'm fortunate in that I found a small amount of work serendipitously, but it's nowhere near enough. I put a lot of time, consideration, and effort into finding the job I lost as it fit the way my life is at the moment (staying home, caring for a 2, 9, and 10 year old). I don't think I'm going to stumble into that again. The job search has been soul crushing. So many jobs I can do, so few with a schedule I can fit into.

On the bright side I went for a dive a couple weeks ago and swam with some harbour seals, a really big salmon shark, and saw some otters. I speared some fish and brought them home to my kids and made fish tacos. That was really fun. We're going to blast off a huge rocket we built this weekend. There's plenty to feel okay about.