Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

421–430 of 653 posts

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#421

Post by opmelogy »

I went through something similar. The core of it for me had to do with a fixed mindset vs growth mindset.

The research behind this showed that telling kids something as simple as "you are good at this" vs "you worked hard at this" can trigger a fixed mindset. This shifts their focus (and potentially their beliefs) that it's about them personally as opposed to the work they are putting in. From there all sorts of crazy things happened. Kids would protect their status moving forward, going so far as to lie to others about how well they did on exams. Meanwhile the kids that thought it was about the work they put in continued to grow, improve, and get better - leaving the other group behind.

With this knowledge, I began to change from thinking about comments and feedback to be about me and instead about things I've produced. Eventually it lead to me being able to respond with curiosity, embrace (and celebrate) mistakes, and to learn things much much faster.

This may sound odd, but I now have a visual I play in my mind to help navigate this. In the past, the visual was when getting feedback the other person was pointing at me when saying things - which felt like blaming, shaming, etc. Now it's that they are pointing at a piece of paper in front of us that we are both looking at. That piece of paper has things that I've produced and we are discussing it. It shifts the focus and blame from me over to discussing the results of my actions. This gives me a mechanism to mull over how to change my actions in the future to get different results.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#422

Post by maerF0x0 »

grugagag wrote: post #329
reality_inspctr wrote: post #271

Earlier quoted context omitted.

it can be helpful, for some, to give up on the notion of retirement altogether. exist to exist the whole way through. do what you gotta do. many SV people have probably also seen anecdotal evidence the $B crowd has this mindset. it's the $M crowd sweatin the small stuff.

> it can be helpful, for some, to give up on the notion of retirement altogether. Yeah, perfect and ready to be exploited with no end in sight. What are $B and $M crowds? Billionares and millionares? Do you have any personal insight into those or just read about it?

$B crowd doesnt think about it because 1) they pay people to do the micro level things (and in a hierarchy of concerns down to the micro) and 2) the micro doesnt move the needle for them.

To use an analogy if you're poor disputing a $2 charge is meaningful because it might double your disposable money. But if you're rich you could absorb 1000x $2 charges per day without even seeing a difference in your first 4 digits of your wealth. (eg 4522188456 squints to the same number as 4522180456)

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#424

Post by pclmulqdq »

moffkalast wrote: post #290
davidguetta wrote: post #217

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As much as i like the concept in general in life, in this case its just "you are not your lines of code". Also people who criticize people make a mistake kind of. Always criticize the code, not the person.

Well it is not unlike criticising an artist's paintings. The things you make are a mirror of who you are because you use your life experiences, knowledge, and preferences to make them. By criticizing what you make, they are also criticizing you by proxy. Now sure it depends on the type of criticism in question. Finding a bug or other practical problems obviously isn't, but talking shit about a way something is arbitr…

You had better believe that when artists get a commission, the patron gets a say in how the work looks. When you are in a band or ensemble with other people, they also get a say in how "your" part of the music sounds. This is the same for code. Code you create with and for other people isn't really your creation in that way: all of it is a collaborative effort.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#425

Post by nateabele »

The answer is simple: identity. Insecurity comes when we find our identity in our work and our ability to do it—but our value as people does not and could never derive from it.

Think of it this way: do your friends or family care about you based on your ability to perform to a certain standard? Of course not! (At least I hope not... that's its own problem).

Once you no longer identify with your work, you're able to take the emotion out of it, because it no longer affects how you feel about yourself. When you get to that point, you'll be able to see every experience as an opportunity to learn and improve, no matter who or where it comes from, which is the ultimate goal.

As far as dealing with other people, it's a lot easier once you've figured yourself out. You're better able to recognize that everyone's on their own journey, and their ability to deliver feedback in a constructive way is more about them than it is about you. Once you internalize these things, you'll start to care a lot less about their opinion of you.

Also, from my own experience, learning to confidently look stupid (i.e. admit that I have no idea about something), has been one of the biggest and most successful hacks of my career.

In summary: You are not your work. Focus on your own journey, and unsubscribe from giving a crap about what other people think about you. Conversely, it'll earn you more respect.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#426

Post by hosh »

lumb63 wrote: post #312
_popcornLurker wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Uhm...I have to chime in here. "Anti-fragile attitude" when it comes to criticism is not built by tolerance. Quite the opposite actually. It is a common misconception. While making yourself numb against criticism IS a solution but not by far the best one. A high criticism tolerance is learned by understanding that ones self worth is not attached to output or delivery. (This is hard in our industry) It comes from self…

I’ve heard similar statements from other people, and I have a disconnect that prevents me from understanding. Why would someone want to detach their self worth from what they do? If someone ought not feel a negative emotion in response to doing something “bad”, by what logic can they justify feeling something positive in response to doing something “good”? I cannot conceive of a world view that allows one to feel pro…

Intrinsic motivation starts pulling someone into a whole person, whereas someone entirely reliant on extrinsic motivation does not really know who they are.

Take criminal behavior as an example. Someone reliant mainly on extrinsic motivation are also the same people who will not know what the right thing is when no one is looking — or worse, they are bad actors when no one is looking. Being intrinsically motivated for moral behavior requires you to really examine what is right or wrong.

This includes self-worth. I don’t think most people who are mostly extrinsically motivated realize the extent of social engineering and conditioning used so that society benefits the wealthy few .

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#427

Post by Brystephor »

All feedback is a gift. And like gifts, some are good and some are bad. No matter how bad the gift, say thanks, and then later on you can ignore or throw away that gift.

In the context of something like a PR, a comment that suggests something but you disagree with, you simply tell them that with a bit of supporting evidence. If you do agree with their suggestion then that's an awesome gift they've given you!

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#428

Post by hedora »

If you want to progress in your career, your goal should be to find rooms full of people smarter than you, and then learn as much as you can from those people.

If you're not getting constructive criticism, it's probably time to move on or improve hiring in your team.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#429

Post by tambourine_man »

zdragnar wrote: post #413
tambourine_man wrote: post #342

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The immune system metaphor is complicated because, while it is true that you build resistance, it's often not without some permanent damage, even if mild and neglectable. There may be an analogy for vaccines and constructive criticism somewhere. Even muscle strengthening seems to require minor injuries to the tissue. Tougher but demaged.

> Tougher but damaged. You're thinking scar tissue, which analogously would be a maladaptive response to criticism (inflating ego, projecting fault). Muscle strengthening doesn't cause permanent damage unless you overdo it.

I've read that one of the ways that exercise increases muscle mass is through micro-lesions that your body goes on to repair. Not my expertise at all, but it's a thing, it seems. Googling now only shows content farm generated ads for fitness, unfortunately.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#430

Post by amerkhalid »

I am on opposite spectrum where I don't fully understand why people take constructive criticism negatively. Over years, I have learned to offer criticism only if asked and only with a lot of praise. (Though I still sometimes make mistakes of being direct with people I am close with).

My parents are highly critical, perhaps, that's why I am not bothered by constructive criticism. Though useless and unasked criticism still bothers me.

Post reply on HN