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Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

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Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#41

Post by gargalatas »

brianbarker wrote: post #30

First, I wouldn't get relationship advice from HN, or any pool of nerds. There's a reason our relationships suffer or are few and far between: nerd personalities will spend more time coding at work, trying to build a side project, watch TV or play games than being a healthy, balanced human being. I work 40 hours a week. If I have work shit poking into my life beyond that on a regular basis, it's time to talk to my ma…

I disagree. I would rather say: Do whatever you want to do. If you wanna code all day, just do it! This is freedom!

So if you wanna work all day, find a way around your gf's complaints. If you think your gf is pushing too much then probably she isn't for you.

Sometimes I have the same problem and I try to be very straight: I always worked so much!

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#42

Post by robg »

I've been with my now wife for 17 years. Most important rule:

Make dedicated time for her every day for a minutes, every week for a few hours, every month for a few days, every year for a few weeks.

That basically means dedicated listening for one short conversation a day, one dedicated dinner each week, one dedicated weekend together each month, and one dedicated vacation together each year.

Any by dedicated, I mean no phones or computers or texts. Give her your time. It need not be huge amounts. But show she is important.

Of course you will fall short. But the goal is to try. She will see that.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#43

Post by DanBC »

simoncion wrote: post #35
DanBC wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your post made me angry. I just deleted the post I had written. Here's the replacement. Not seeing your children unless you have scheduled time to do so is bizarre. Some people would suggest it's borderline mildly abusive. Children must come before work. It's really fucking simple. This principle is enshrined in the internationally agreed (although I know the US never ratifies these things) human rights for the child…

> Children must come before work. It's really fucking simple. This principle is enshrined in the internationally agreed... I read through that Convention, but didn't see any language that backs up your claim. Perhaps I missed it. Can you tell me which part and which article establishes the principle that you claim it does?

In the pre-amble

"Recognizing that the child, for the full and harmonious development of his or her personality, should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding,"

And Article 3, section 1:

"1. In all actions concerning children, whether undertaken by public or private social welfare institutions, courts of law, administrative authorities or legislative bodies, the best interests of the child shall be a primary consideration."

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#44

Post by DanBC »

ak39 wrote: post #33
DanBC wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your post made me angry. I just deleted the post I had written. Here's the replacement. Not seeing your children unless you have scheduled time to do so is bizarre. Some people would suggest it's borderline mildly abusive. Children must come before work. It's really fucking simple. This principle is enshrined in the internationally agreed (although I know the US never ratifies these things) human rights for the child…

I don't understand your anger. The OP was asking what to do when these are a given: 1. You work hard and long hours and you enjoy it. 2. You also NEED to spend time with family who already perceive that you are not spending enough time with them. What do you do? My response was to this scenario and this scenario alone. How to "balance" that. Your response on the other hand assumes that that you can impose (or have th…

Where does OP say they enjoy the work?

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#46

Post by ak39 »

georgemcbay wrote: post #39
judk wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

#5 is wrong wrong wrong. You never win an emotional dispute by throwing facts at someone.

Yeah I actually snickered out loud at #5. It is such a facepalm-y bit of advice for most people. Perhaps I've dated people with very different personalities than those ak39 has but there isn't a single one of them in my history for which #5 would be a useful response if they still felt slighted while the schedule was being followed. Quite the opposite, the suggestion to show them the schedule would be like tossing a…

Showing evidence (or hard facts) is the best way to counter the "always" and "never" accusations. One may never "win" these types of emotional battles, but throwing in a Black Swan by means of evidence to an emotional argument is the quickest way to begin talking sensibly.

It works both ways too. If you broke a promised family engagement, it's there in black and white. Also, if you're seen as not devoting sufficient time for the family, the communication can move towards exactly how much (extent).

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#47

Post by DanBC »

judk wrote: post #28
DanBC wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your post made me angry. I just deleted the post I had written. Here's the replacement. Not seeing your children unless you have scheduled time to do so is bizarre. Some people would suggest it's borderline mildly abusive. Children must come before work. It's really fucking simple. This principle is enshrined in the internationally agreed (although I know the US never ratifies these things) human rights for the child…

I don't think parent post was saying that you should skip visiting your kids in the ER. Spending all your time with kids a very... American leisure class perspective. And I found nothing in that UN doc to support your claims either.

Article 3. Here's the child friendly language version which is more direct: http://www.unicef.org/rightsite/files/uncrcchilldfriendlylan...

Here's the UNICEF summary: http://www.unicef.org.uk/Documents/Publication-pdfs/UNCRC_su...

Op says, more than once, that time with children must be scheduled and that you should avoid seeing them unless it is scheduled. I agree they're not going to avoid ER. What about if the child spontaneously asks for time? Op has said that time should be withheld - as part of "healthy" adjustment and "respectful boundaries".

(I'm not American. I don't understand that comment.)

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#48

Post by tonyarkles »

judk wrote: post #27
soupajoe wrote: post #25

Listening to them deeply and finding out their core frustrations is key, just like how you would interact with a user to discover their pain points. In my experience, when my partner claims I work too much it isn't always because I literally work too much. Of course, sometimes my work/life balance needs to be readjusted and brought back to an acceptable equilibrium. However, the frustration often comes from not conve…

What if your partner's love language is Quality Time, and OP knows it?

Then it's quite possible that they spend time together but it's time spent in the same proximity but not spent fully engaged.

My partner and I used to have this exact issue (with me being the one who didn't feel like we had enough quality time). She would often retort "what are you talking about? We spend at least a couple hours together every day!" And I'd go and think about it, confirm that, yes, we would often spend the evening together on the couch, with both of us on our laptops working. And then I'd scratch my head, feel confused about the mix of contrasting thoughts going on in my head, and carry about my day feeling uncomfortable about it.

A while later, I came across 5LL and read through it pretty voraciously. It provided context that I'd never been able to put into words. Lately, we probably spend even less time in physical proximity than we did then, but we spend time together where we're both fully engaged and in the moment with each other. It doesn't take much for us to both feel pretty happy about things.

[tldr: quality can be much more important than quantity re: quality time]

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#49

Post by tonyarkles »

ak39 wrote: post #46
georgemcbay wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah I actually snickered out loud at #5. It is such a facepalm-y bit of advice for most people. Perhaps I've dated people with very different personalities than those ak39 has but there isn't a single one of them in my history for which #5 would be a useful response if they still felt slighted while the schedule was being followed. Quite the opposite, the suggestion to show them the schedule would be like tossing a…

Showing evidence (or hard facts) is the best way to counter the "always" and "never" accusations. One may never "win" these types of emotional battles, but throwing in a Black Swan by means of evidence to an emotional argument is the quickest way to begin talking sensibly. It works both ways too. If you broke a promised family engagement, it's there in black and white. Also, if you're seen as not devoting sufficient…

I'm not sure what kind of relationships you've been in, but in my life experience (N~=10), evidence is typically not appreciated in this kind of argument. Introducing evidence into a disagreement was my standard approach and it did help occasionally, but the vast majority of the time it made it worse.

My new approach is to listen very carefully to what my partner is saying, especially to the emotions that she's feeling. Evidence isn't going to make her emotions change. There's usually something relatively simple that I can change about my behaviour that will result in her not having that negative emotion. We've been together for 5 years and we both agree that things are the best that we've ever had in a long term relationship.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#50

Post by ak39 »

tonyarkles wrote: post #49
ak39 wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Showing evidence (or hard facts) is the best way to counter the "always" and "never" accusations. One may never "win" these types of emotional battles, but throwing in a Black Swan by means of evidence to an emotional argument is the quickest way to begin talking sensibly. It works both ways too. If you broke a promised family engagement, it's there in black and white. Also, if you're seen as not devoting sufficient…

I'm not sure what kind of relationships you've been in, but in my life experience (N~=10), evidence is typically not appreciated in this kind of argument. Introducing evidence into a disagreement was my standard approach and it did help occasionally, but the vast majority of the time it made it worse. My new approach is to listen very carefully to what my partner is saying, especially to the emotions that she's feeli…

I haven't been in many relationships, admittedly. Just one. This Dec it will be 19 years. Those years have produced three healthy and inquisitive boys. The four in total, in my life, are the most important and precious human beings.

But time with them, I have learnt for the sake of peace and fairness, in my life, needs to be scheduled! :-)

Wife and I have spent too much time arguing and disagreeing about too many things. As the years went by we realised gradually that some shit doesn't matter. Some shit does. Disagreements don't last when hard facts surface.

But of course, my advice to the OP remains anecdotal.

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