Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

If you're picking... please don't confuse shy with introverted. Some people may be both, but it's definitely not the rule. It took me a while to realize I'm a bold introverted... I'm not afraid of interactions, I just prefer books to parties. Once the confusion was cleared I felt much better in my skin.

Does anybody else find it interesting that this question has generated so many responses here?

Suppose you are standing in line for a drink, and some HN person is in front of you. How to make small talk? Ask them, "how to make small talk," and you'll make small talk in no time.

I always find this interesting on Hacker News that a post like this, which appears witty, has so many upvotes, and that 'thwarted' just posted this response to another post:

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=619028

with virtually the same ranking. I guess it's very subjective what constitutes as "contributing to the discussion" or not.

The point of my comment was that there's not really any point in trying to change who you are. In particular, complimenting a woman as an attempt to strike up a conversation is a guaranteed way to make her freak out (unless she is already attracted to you, but if she is then it doesn't matter what you said).

The poster's question was about initiating smalltalk. Why waste time with smalltalk when there are big, fun things to talk about? I used to waste time with smalltalk but then one day it dawned on me that it's a total waste of time -- I typically forget the name of the other person immediately when all I've done is exchange smalltalk which creates its own problems.

I'm not a professional diplomat and I'm not interviewing for a job with you, so if all you can talk about is smalltalk, then I'd rather just be alone. If you're afraid to talk about anything controversial, or can't handle it if I disagree with you, then I don't really respect you.

Sure it's fun now and then to try to click with someone who is totally different (someone who holds traditional values, more average in aspirations and interests), but the most I've ever gotten out of it is a vague sense of flattery if the person is physically attractive, and that's a terrible reason to attempt to repeat the experiment.

Being alone is OK. Cows wander in herds, and the human tug to be around people is a lower instinct. Sure it's fun sometimes, and yes it can even be fun to cheer in unison after someone hits a home run on TV, etc., but it's all an attempt to trick yourself into feeling an artificial sense of belonging with strangers.

If you want a s/o with low self esteem, then make a lot of money and try to act normal. She'll find you.

If you want a s/o who is a unique person with a life, just be yourself (even if you're a geek) and don't try to conform to perceived norms. You probably perceive the norms slightly incorrectly in the first place (or else you wouldn't be a geek) and you're likely to overthink them.

Most importantly, don't try to "find" someone. Just be happy being alone and you'll attract similarly independent people.

I default to being introverted too, and having follow on questions like that typically annoy me. (Probably one of the more annoying one is, "Are you OK?" asked by well-meaning friends).

Having said that, I have happily chatted with random strangers before, both receiving questions and initiating them. The difference is usually in how much the person who is asking the question is genuinely listening. Asking questions for the sake of making noise irritates me. Asking questions because you are really are curious works a lot better. When you are curious, you don't come from the position of "I know everything" or, "You should talk to me because I am awesome" or "You shouldn't talk to me because I am a loser."

As for awkward silences themselves, I think it is better to practice being comfortable with them so that the silence feels natural instead of being awkward. You're rarely going to be somewhere completely silent and most people generally have a running commentary running in the back of their heads. Awkward silences feel awkward due to self-doubt and anxiety. When you shed the anxiety, interacting with people feels more natural; distracting or forcing yourself with smalltalk doesn't really get rid of the anxiety. Being genuinely curious ... like exploratory programming ... tends to shed off the anxiety.