Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Marriage

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

41–50 of 108 posts

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#41

Post by yummyfajitas »

calvin wrote: post #37
yummyfajitas wrote: post #27

Don't marry if you are a guy. At present, marriage is a contract with no upside for you. You gain nothing from marriage that you can't get from a committed non-marital relationship, and stand to lose a lot.

You can gain quite a lot. If you want a partner beside you to learn from and grow closer to, it can be a great thing. If you want children to love and raise and educate, marriage can be awesome. Those are two reasons I look forward to marriage when I meet the right woman. If those aren't your priorities though, then I would agree, marriage probably isn't a good option for you. If you view marriage as "what you can ge…

You can get all those things from a committed non-marital relationship.

Marriage (by which I mean the contract enforced by your state) adds nothing to the mix beyond a massive financial liability (for the man) if the relationship ends. Read this article for an example of the bad results of marriage:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/magazine/17foreclosure-t.h...

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#42

Post by mmc »

josefresco wrote: post #23
TrevorJ wrote: post #13

From talking to a lot of married couples it seems as if marriage takes a lot of work and a lot of self-sacrifice. Perhaps the maturity of age has something to do with the successful marriages being those that where entered into later.

Do we actually have data that shows later-in-life marriages are more successful? (besides the submitters anecdotal evidence)

http://www.divorcerate.org/ has the following for men:

  age   rate
So if you are just playing the numbers, wait until your late 20's at least.

But please, don't play the numbers. As someone already said, don't try to plan love.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#43

Post by cujo »

yummyfajitas wrote: post #41
calvin wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can gain quite a lot. If you want a partner beside you to learn from and grow closer to, it can be a great thing. If you want children to love and raise and educate, marriage can be awesome. Those are two reasons I look forward to marriage when I meet the right woman. If those aren't your priorities though, then I would agree, marriage probably isn't a good option for you. If you view marriage as "what you can ge…

You can get all those things from a committed non-marital relationship. Marriage (by which I mean the contract enforced by your state) adds nothing to the mix beyond a massive financial liability (for the man) if the relationship ends. Read this article for an example of the bad results of marriage: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/magazine/17foreclosure-t.h...

I think you're still stuck with a financial liability if you decide to have kids with non person you aren't married to. Plus there are tax breaks for being married. But that is just monetary.

In reality most people in the US aren't as inclined to have life partners without the marriage part. And frankly, there is something special about professing your commitment to another person in front of your community that somehow makes your bond with your partner stronger.

Is marriage required? Probably not. But I think you are missing a good part of it by claiming financial reasons for despising marriage.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#44

Post by timr »

calvin wrote: post #35
josefresco wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

... or just fall in love. (tip: you can't screen for it)

Exactly. You can't write a business plan for love. It happens, or it doesn't.

you can't really write a business plan for a startup, either. ;-)

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#45

Post by chops »

xenophanes wrote: post #20

Don't marry. http://curi.us/blog/post/1168-monogamy

I'm not sure why this is being downvoted, but I think it's a fascinating read. This is particularly powerful, I think:

We shouldn't be scared of trying things that aren't best, and if something is genuinely good, it shouldn't fear criticism and rivals. If it's good, it will beat those rivals.

There's something so true in that. There's nothing weaker than a guy that gets furiously jealous if his wife/girlfriend talks to another guy. It's the confident ones that know they are the best that aren't afraid of competition.

Thank you for posting that. A very good read

Edit: on second thought, perhaps it's just a little bit off topic (it talks about marriage, but not with respect to startups). Perhaps it would be better as it's own submission.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#46

Post by axod »

yummyfajitas wrote: post #27

Don't marry if you are a guy. At present, marriage is a contract with no upside for you. You gain nothing from marriage that you can't get from a committed non-marital relationship, and stand to lose a lot.

  * Children
  * Taxes
  * Commitment

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#47

Post by patrickg-zill »

yummyfajitas wrote: post #27

Don't marry if you are a guy. At present, marriage is a contract with no upside for you. You gain nothing from marriage that you can't get from a committed non-marital relationship, and stand to lose a lot.

It used to be that marriage was a contract between you, your intended spouse, and God.

Now, it is a contract between you, your intended spouse, and "The State". And therefore when you marry you are giving the State some measure of control over your life.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#48

Post by falien »

cujo wrote: post #43
yummyfajitas wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can get all those things from a committed non-marital relationship. Marriage (by which I mean the contract enforced by your state) adds nothing to the mix beyond a massive financial liability (for the man) if the relationship ends. Read this article for an example of the bad results of marriage: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/magazine/17foreclosure-t.h...

I think you're still stuck with a financial liability if you decide to have kids with non person you aren't married to. Plus there are tax breaks for being married. But that is just monetary. In reality most people in the US aren't as inclined to have life partners without the marriage part. And frankly, there is something special about professing your commitment to another person in front of your community that some…

how about philosophical, political, legal, and financial?

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#49

Post by Kaizyn »

When you look at the entire human population, you will see very different statistics for marriage and divorce. Now many people who marry young will get divorced (at least in the United States), but then so will many who wait until later in life to marry. Your sample there is too small to draw any meaningful conclusions.

As marriage relates to a startup or any entrepreneurship, the fact is that you only have so many hours in a day. Most spouses like their mate enough to want to spend some nontrivial amount of time with them. When this time commitment cannot be fulfilled due to wanting to the entrepreneur working insane hours in the basement or whatever else, it will put strain on that relationship. In short, having good personal relationships requires a major time commitment. Any startup or other entrepreneurial project also requires a significant time commitment. Depending on how these are managed or not, it can lead to a successful startup and failed relationship or vice versa. If you take greater care, then you can make both work but that won't be easy. After all, nothing worthwhile is particularly easy.

Re: Ask HN: Marriage

#50

Post by falien »

barry-cotter wrote: post #31
russell wrote: post #10

50% of all US marriages end in divorce. I would say it's partly the poor judgment of youth; mine wasn't so good. Maybe it has always been true, but now it is easier to get out. Romance is a pretty poor basis for a marriage. With mutual respect comes love and a more lasting relationship. Consider all the other qualities needed for success. Starting companies is a huge commitment and raising children is an unbelievable…

2/3 of marriages that are the first for both partners end in death.

11 percent of murder victims were killed by an "intimate" http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/homicide/intimates.htm
Post reply on HN