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Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
41–50 of 118 posts
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#42Go find any ministry and volunteer, it will help a lot with loneliness and depression.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#43[deleted]
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#44Wish I knew. I was at the same place at you at that age and it's basically destroyed me, 32 now and no better off
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#45You're asking the wrong crowd bub. We're mostly tech nerds driven to computers by loneliness (or lack of social skills). Join an interest group on Meetup maybe.
I've had some success with Meetup (tech meetups specifically). The app/site is terrible though and I think the fees on organizers can be hefty nowadays, so look on the Meetup alternatives, since there might be groups posted to those too.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#46> What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life? This is called catastrophizing. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/catastrophizing If you take nothing else away from my comment, I would suggest finding out why you do that, and try to change that mental behavior. It might not directly help with loneliness, but it might make your life more satisfactory.…
I have a ridiculous amount of interest I could share. I will take your advice and see if I can find people who share those interest! I will also try and change my thoughts. It’s just hard to not feel like the world is closing in when it feels like nobody acknowledges your existence.
I think there's some good advice on this thread. Your issue definitely resonates with me, college was very lonely for me as well. HN itself doesn't lend itself to continued conversation (long threads lose their [reply] button and repeated postings from new accounts can turn automatically comments [dead], as in your case). You don't have an email posted, but you can –if you want– message mine. Just say "From HN", or whatever! I (internet rando) would like to talk to you.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#47Talk to a specialist like a therapist. Have them give you an honest assessment of how you present yourself. Maybe there's something you're doing or saying, or even the way you look, that you're not aware of and has caused people to keep their distance from you.
Given how long you've claimed you've been like this, it's very likely behavioral; you're giving off some characteristic that is telling most people you meet that you're not worth spending time with. It might be something as simple as avoiding eye contact, or strange body language, or not knowing how to hold even a rudimentary, surface-level conversation. These are all skills that can be learned, especially when you're still young.
I was in a similar situation when I was younger; grew up relatively isolated, barely had any friends, etc. I was socially deprived and abused as a child, and have a speech impediment that has made socializing difficult at times, but I learned how to listen and ask questions and get to know people, and I actually became quite the social butterfly for a good chunk of my 20s and 30s.
Now that I'm older, I'm back to being more isolated for personal reasons, but my life is different now and I don't care as much about it, nor am I as reliant on social connections as I used to be. Frankly, I never felt I fit in anywhere, nor have I ever truly liked anyone beyond whatever immediate social gratification I needed filling in the moment. Friendships and connections have always been fleeting, overhyped, and overblown to me, especially when I look back at my life so far and struggle to think of anyone I still care about.
Social connections are important when you're younger, but I've found the older you get, the less important they become, especially if you're smart about how you live your life.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#48Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of school? If you're passionate about something, you'll be more interesting to people. It'll give you personality. Even if they don't have the same interest, they will ask you about it. And obviously, you'll also meet people who have the same interests. I'll give you an extreme example: there was a Claude AI chatbot that was obsessed with the Golden Gate Bridge. This bot (…
I like programming, electronics, reading, maths and am getting a bike this week so I can spend more time outside! I love talking about these things with other people, and from what I can gather from their body language and facial expressions they also enjoy hearing what I have to say about my interest. But I also enjoy letting them talk about what they like to do so I can get to know them!
Maybe also try hiking as more people are into it, plus more opportunity to chat compared to biking. Look for hiking groups in your college. There will be bikers in that group too.
Also, any activity where you see the same people on a regular basis so they get to know you is great.
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#49[dead]
Re: Ask HN: Loneliness at 19, how to cope?
#50This isn’t what you asked but I would remove all social media from your phone. Nothing makes you lonelier than social media. Facebook and instagram should be the first to go. TikTok as well. Delete them and watch if you start to feel better.
As for the other. Most friends I’ve ever met went like this: meet at an event relating to a shared interest (first you have to go to things, next you have to talk to people): find a person I genuinely like and respect, talk to them, do something together (study, eat, coffee), listen more than you talk, try to be as good a friend to them as possible.
And I’m easy. Anyone wants to be my friend and I’ll be theirs. (So long as they treat me as a friend —don’t get me started about people who claim to be friends but who don’t treat me like a friend). This leads me to having some really weird friends. This also leads me to having friends who always treat me right.
I’m an introvert so I tend to prioritize small numbers of deep connections over many shallow friendships. Everyplace I go I find the person I like best and I try to get to know them. I talk to them, listen, hear what they’re about, engage with things they find interesting.
At 19 you’ve never had a friend? I honestly don’t believe it. I suspect you’re experiencing a depressive episode that is clouding your memory. Every child has had a friend. In grade school or middle school. Call your mother and ask her (I’m serious). I honestly think you’re not remembering clearly. It happens, I don’t know how to fix it, but looking for it might’ve a start. (If you haven’t I’d start looking for something you’re doing that drives people away. But I honestly don’t think you could be doing something without knowing it)
Join clubs for things you find interesting. Get a job doing things you find interesting. Do favors for people, ask favors of people. Look for friendships in unlikely places. I once became friends with a professor who I did computer work for. We just got along. He invited me over for dinner with him and his wife. I was on his Christmas list (he made mix cds for people, I still have two he made me)