Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?

Most of the time people are not having a conversation to share information, but instead to fulfill one of their psychological needs. This can include having fun, feeling connection, gaining social approval, gaining direct benefit, something like this. What this psychological need is changes person by person and moment by moment. It can be hard to determine but it can be done!

The other psychological motivator is fear of loss. It’s simply the truth that people don’t want to be dragged in to boring conversations by people with low self-esteem, because everyone is busy and time is precious.

It seems a very simple way to analyze conversation, but it’s very powerful to do what people like and don’t do what they don’t like. Notice how this framework in itself has nothing to do with your enunciation, language barriers, body language, and so on. It’s all about reading the other person!

I recommend reading “The Psychology of Sales” by Brian Tracy. It’s nominally about being a salesperson, but you can apply it to practically any social situation. Because what is socializing really about other than mutual benefit? You know already that you want to talk about traveling, and once you figure out what other people need from the conversation everyone will be happy!

Thats all i can come up with..

There’s probably many things you could experiment with. My suggestion for a simple start would be to reframe from “when I try to contribute” to “how can I help someone continue the conversation?”.

So for your travel example, people may not want a second retelling of what they just heard. But what if instead you asked “did you get to see X? What did you think of it?”. It shows the speaker you were listening and engaged, gives them the opportunity to continue their story, and gives you both the opportunity to have a shared experience.

Some things that helped me:

- I grew a beared that accentuated my jawline

- When people would begin to interrupt me, I would continue on with my sentence regardless of them speaking, and I would finish my sentence. I would be prepared to let it get a little awkward if they don’t get the hint at first

- Talking a lot more helped. Since having a baby, I talk to her all the time. I sing and talk loudly and energetically to her to make her laugh. I make up a wide array of characters with voices. This has changed the tone of my voice in that it is now deeper, less strained, and more powerful. I have noticed a difference in my confidence talking to people and how they listen to me.

- I noticed a difference in my interactions just after doing Yoga or meditation. Conversation is often about energy, and yoga or meditation can get you more attuned to giving the right amount.

- I noticed the less I cared the easier it got. I make sure that I am respectful and acknowledging of people, I am open and receptive to connecting with the right people, but it’s not my mission to be entertaining or interesting to others.

- If I feel like I am giving a lot more to the other person/people in the interactions, I start to look elsewhere for people that are more reciprocal with their interactions.

- I tried reading books on charisma, small talk, How to Win Friends and Influence People, etc. I don’t think any of this actually had much impact or it didn’t resonate with me. IMO, going to the gym is probably going to have a lot more impact to get people to listen to you than what books can offer.