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Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

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Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#41

Post by codr7 »

uhtred wrote: post #26
recursivedoubts wrote: post #10

Get married and have children. For time immemorial that is what your ancestors have done. It will not make you happy as you currently conceptualize it, but it will add purpose (and much suffering, as always comes with purpose) to your life. It is what you are designed to do.

Isn't that kind of selfish though? What if you have a child just to make yourself feel better and that kid goes on to have a shitty unhappy life wishing they'd never been born?

Why would you feeling better increase the odds of a child having a shitty unhappy life?

Sounds like a pretty shitty excuse in my ears, sorry.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#42

Post by tedivm »

I am absolutely blown away by the number of people who are saying that this person, who is clearly depressed and likely burnt out, can solve all of his problems by having children. It is the most insane advice I have ever seen on this site.

Jumping to a lifetime commitment as a kneejerk reaction is just so wild to me. Maybe start with a hobby? This guy is working a full time job and a side hustle, but doesn't seem to do anything for himself. What happens if he has kids and realizes he's still unfulfilled? It's not like he can just return them.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#43

Post by onemoresoop »

recursivedoubts wrote: post #10

Get married and have children. For time immemorial that is what your ancestors have done. It will not make you happy as you currently conceptualize it, but it will add purpose (and much suffering, as always comes with purpose) to your life. It is what you are designed to do.

> Get married and have children

I second this. I was in a similar position as the OP and after having a child the perspective has changed quite a bit and soul crushing jobs are a lot more bearable, meaning is no longer tied to the job.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#45

Post by silverquiet »

triceratops wrote: post #22
silverquiet wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What if women aren't interested in you?

OP is in a relationship.

More of a question for the people who recommend it as general advice/are worried about fertility. Seems to be a pretty common factor these days.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#46

Post by ursuscamp »

recursivedoubts wrote: post #10

Get married and have children. For time immemorial that is what your ancestors have done. It will not make you happy as you currently conceptualize it, but it will add purpose (and much suffering, as always comes with purpose) to your life. It is what you are designed to do.

This is good advice. Happiness is found through purpose, not hedonistic pursuit of abstract happiness for its own sake. Family is the ultimate purpose, but if not family then find a way to contribute to the greater world: Start a business and employ others, or dedicate your time to a charitable cause.

Purpose frees you, not traps you further, if you embrace it.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#47

Post by recursivedoubts »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #23
recursivedoubts wrote: post #10

Get married and have children. For time immemorial that is what your ancestors have done. It will not make you happy as you currently conceptualize it, but it will add purpose (and much suffering, as always comes with purpose) to your life. It is what you are designed to do.

> Get married and have children. This is terrible advice to someone you know virtually nothing about, other than the three paragraphs they chose to type out about themselves. The first part, fine, it only affects a consenting adult. But I always hesitate to cheerfully tell someone to go ahead and sign up for a minimum of 18 years of responsibility for a human being, a human being that you'll be responsible for moldin…

Nope. No one is telling them this because everyone is either scared to do so or is trapped in a hedonistic self-oriented conception of happiness.

This is my advice, I am sincere in it and I feel that, given their presentation of the facts of their life, it is likely to be the most effective way to grow as a human. Note that I do mention that it will give them purpose and suffering, not happiness as they current conceive of it.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#48

Post by recursivedoubts »

caseyohara wrote: post #36
pavel_lishin wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Get married and have children. This is terrible advice to someone you know virtually nothing about, other than the three paragraphs they chose to type out about themselves. The first part, fine, it only affects a consenting adult. But I always hesitate to cheerfully tell someone to go ahead and sign up for a minimum of 18 years of responsibility for a human being, a human being that you'll be responsible for moldin…

I agree OP: "Every day feels like prison." HN Advice: "What you need is an irrevocable, lifelong commitment! Get married and have children!"

Yep. Exactly.

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#49

Post by mchannon »

Call it being in a rut, or a funk, or getting the blues, but please don't say like prison unless you've experienced prison. What you're describing is close to the opposite of my experience in prison.

Every day was one day closer to release, to being able to see and spend time with the people I cared most about. I saw dates on the calendar approach and looked forward to them. I never had much opportunity to be bored, and there were plenty of activities I could engage in, even during 24 hour lockdowns. I was forced and encouraged to eat fewer calories (at first at least) and lost a lot of weight, making me much healthier. I had goals I was very eager to work toward, but artificially put off because I couldn't do them while locked up.

This sounds like a mid-life crisis. Your SHBG levels rise with age and your free testosterone levels are likely low. Getting looked over for TRT can potentially help.

Having a middling career isn't enough for a lot of people. Why aren't you in the 1% killing it? A lot of them have problems, but having more money than you know how to spend is a source of contentment for a lot of wealthier people.

Wrapping it up with a quote: "I never worked a day in my life. It was all fun."

Re: Ask HN: Every day feels like prison

#50

Post by alien_robot »

caprock wrote: post #7

First, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. It's a signal, and it's great that you're giving it consideration. It sounds like you're in need of a Purpose. Like many folks in modern times. Casually and broadly speaking, I'd say you have a couple of paths forward. Neither is a short-term holistic solution. These paths aren't mutually exclusive either. 1. Focus on creating and solidifying a family Many many p…

> Don't be afraid of traditional gender roles and arrangements, and take pride in this accomplishment.

Maybe consider defying gender roles -- and not just those roles, all the expectations that brought you to this point.

The OP's post resonates pretty deeply with me - I've been disillusioned with my career (and my expectations of it) for a long time. Expectations met reality, and I, too, am unhappy with the status quo.

Okay, maybe lean into a family. Maybe don't, and don't buy into the traditional gender roles. Maybe find some way give up all the expectations you've had - and cultivate your own happiness in defiance of what has been indoctrinated into you your entire life. College, careers, marriages...perhaps all of these institutions should be questioned as you forge your own path.

Side note: I have nothing figured out. I have only just recognized that I am not fulfilled by my career and that working for $GIANT_MEGACORP in $PRESTEGIOUS_ROLE does not give me purpose. My extended mid-life crisis continues.

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