Ask HN: My child was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder. What to do?

There are no hard and fast rules. Every such child is unique.

We got through by being as flexible as possible. We had a very small number of hard and fast rules, nearly all of which were to try to ensure everyone lived and stayed sane, and which we worked out during periods when everyone was calm.

For instance, I would take my daughter and drive around with her for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon so my wife could sleep. I did that every Sunday for about two years. My wife and I had a work schedule that we mostly stuck to. We traded off housework. We traded off who handled the night terrors so at least one of us was rested the next day.

But in general, just being rigid only caused things to get worse. So we weren't. We slept when we could, ate when and what we could, and focused on making it to tomorrow.

We also weren't afraid to experiment - a little - with medication. Daughter went on meds to help calm the meltdowns and night terrors. Wife went on antidepressants. Yes, having a toddler on psychiatric meds is problematic, but so is have three 2-hour-long night terrors every night for a year.

Daughter is now a 23 year old young women who is amazing, a joy to be around, kind and fierce at the same time, with a solid work ethic and a life plan. She's a bit behind academically, but as we keep telling her, this isn't a race. She wants to do green architecture.

I didn't get diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, but I did get diagnosed with Autism at a young age and have sensory issues. For example, I was a very picky eater, didn't like wearing socks or shoes, clothes with tags or graphics on them were very irritating for me to feel. My parents didn't really limit my screen time. They had given up on trying to make me eat different foods. I mostly just ate chicken nuggets and frozen pizzas. I didn't go to any sort of special school, I just went through an average public school. I can give some advice from that perspective.

I didn't really start expanding my diet until my 20s. It's hard to describe the sensory issues to others but how I would describe it is that even though I know something is food, my brain has trouble processing it and I'll end up having a gag reflex to trying many foods. What I'd suggest and what I ended up doing to expand my diet is finding safe foods, and then trying to find ways to add new foods to it, slowly expanding what is considered a safe food. For example, I ate pepperoni pizza and to help myself expand, I started adding different toppings to parts of the pizza, that way I could try something new but still have plenty of a safe food to eat if I end up being unable to get it down with the new food.

Small incremental exposure to the things that trigger negative reactions can help reduce those reactions and get them more use to it. I did the same for social situations, pushing myself to do things I'm uncomfortable with, like taking a speech class in community college, trying out to be in a play, and joining school clubs about topics I'm interested in.

In addition to this, don't be too hard on yourself about the situation. There is only so much you can do and a lot of it is out of your control. Even though my parents weren't too involved, I was lucky and turned out alright. All that extra screen time lead to me going into software engineering. I've been able to work my way up to being an engineering manager.

Parent of a child with spd here. They are now a teen getting good grades and coping really well overall. You got a lot of input here and I am just leaving to head to work but feel free to reach out if you'd like. It's a really difficult and tricky thing with its own dynamics so you are doing the right thing in reaching out for help with it.

We had a neuropsych eval and they recommended reading the book "Your Defiant Child" https://www.amazon.com/Your-Defiant-Child-Second-Behavior/dp...

It's been helpful and was initially counterintuitive. I think the author has one for teens as well.

This may not apply to your situation but the parents have to be on the same page as each other and have a mutually respectful parenting style otherwise things will appear unstable and the kid will exploit that loophole.

Also for all behavioral problems, the only person you can change or control is yourself.

And remember that every behavior is a form of communication of some underlying need.

Any useful advice you receive is going to be in the form of anecdotal advice and it can only be given in the general 10,000 foot view sense because we are not in front of your child.

That said...

A three year old clinging to mom and dad in a stressful situation is not abnormal to me. Comfort her, calm her, reassure her that you are not leaving her and carry on. Don't stop the interaction. Why?

If a person has a problem doing something then in order to get better at doing it they would need to practice doing it. How did you get your engineering degree by ignoring engineering principals and practices or doing them? So your toddler needs to practice transitions.

Now be smart and strategic when doing this. When she is tired or hungry it is not the time to introduce a "training session"

Be persistent and consistent. This is for her future well being and for the future of your family.

As far as your career is concerned...

...What is more important?

...What will bring a lifetime of satisfaction?

...Can you get different responsibilities which require less time?

...Switching places of business will only add more stress in the short term.

...Can you work from the "office" several days a week?

Always keep the most important thing in mind. Your task as a parent is to raise her up to go the way she should go. We can't know that but as you raise her you will become more aware of her strengths and how they should be better developed. It is ultimately her choice but your task is to help her put her best foot forward and point her in the right direction.

So begin. Like a baby. One day at a time. One step at a time. One interaction at a time. One nap at a time. One meal at a time. And grow. And when you have a bad day figure out what could have been different on your part and change it for next time.

God Bless you and keep you.