41–50 of 767 posts
You mention you're in a small town; I am presuming that your country has larger towns and cities. Is there a possibility of getting there?
You have $25k in savings, this is more than a significant percentage of the people in the US - if you can work in the USA you could become a bus driver tomorrow; they'll train. It may be worth trying for awhile just to shake things up.
This is more my personal suggestion, but make sure you’re exercising. It helps me, it helps many others, maybe it’ll help you. Not a replacement for therapy but a really good way to improve your base.
43 is not too old to start. Of course, I also recognize that it’s not quite as easy as all that, but in some ways it is. If I had to do it again I’d not be so sceptical of dating apps. At the very least it gives you a convenient excuse to meet new people.
Not sure if it’s possible to do it in the US, but there’s other countries that are easier to emigrate to. I’m not sure if moving now would be conductive to your other wishes though.
But focusing on you: calm down. It's never too late to start a family. Kids is certainly fun. If you you want kids and the woman you eventually find is too old for kids, adoption is also very nice and as a bonus you can skip the diapers period (I never liked that period of my kids).
Since you would like to find a woman (good start): take a holiday. There are singles holidays and I can recommend them. If you do not get a girlfriend from the trip at least you spend the time relaxing and site seeing.
Because of that, connecting with a therapist/coach to talk through things may really help challenge your thinking and hone your understanding of your situation.
For instance, you have more time than you think. As a man, you can still have children in your 40s and 50s and beyond. So why does it seem like it’s too late? A therapist may be able to help you reframe things, and help you find that hope again.
I stepped clear. I got divorced. I started over. The coding skills I had I re-applied to things I wanted to do. My ex moved on and found someone good for her.
In the years that followed I found the love of my life and had a beautiful daughter. Restarting was a great move for me.
But a lot of the bitterness and anger remained. I've been a total jerk at times. It took a long time to get over the frustrations caused by staying in my old place for so long. I found therapy and constructive outlets for myself, got over many of the dark feelings, and I believe I've become a better person for it.
My story is my own, not yours. However, what I can say is get yourself to a therapist. If you can change your life now, why not try to do so?
The HN crowd is not known for kindness, but you can use sincere and reason-based advice, something for which the HN crowd is excellent at.
I remarried in my early 40's, after leaving a mutually abusive relationship. And we got a lovely daughter (with two amazing older half-brothers from my previous marriage), moved to Ireland and fell in love for the country. You are not past your prime - while I miss my 20's brain plasticity, there's a ton of new content in my brain that would have been extremely useful in my 20's. As for love, it's a lottery. You may find it, you may not.
The MEng degree is a very versatile tool. I'm a BEng and the problem-solving mindset has been the foundation of my career, as a software engineer, then as a 3D VFX animator, then as an SW engineer, manager, and now architect.
As for the depression, reach out for professional help. Find a therapist you are comfortable with (it may take more than one try), and work from there. I treat mine as a debugger that helps me understand how my mind works, and where my blind spots (I've got plenty of them) are.
I'm not American, but I've considered offers to move from Brazil and Ireland at different times, and the math didn't make sense. While compensation packages are better in number, depending on where you live costs will eat into that and, since you mentioned mental health problems, I'm afraid you'd need to get social services that do not exist in the US. Your nickname suggests you are German and Germany has world renowned public healthcare system - use it until you are better. I understand you were happy in the US, and I fell in love with Northern CA during the 90's, but the country has changed, in many ways for the worse. Don't forget nostalgia is a set of rose-tinted glasses.
You may also be able to move in the EU, for warmer climates and lower cost of life. Many friends of mine are quite happy in Portugal and Spain and we are considering retiring there in a couple decades. Ireland is still hiring IT folk like crazy, but Dublin is expensive to live and your reserves are not enough for too long (you should always have enough reserves for a couple months of unemployment, more if you are at risk of getting depressed).
Good luck and feel free to vent as much as you need. I hope I was useful.
This ended up being really good when job hunting, I was up on all the hip new stuff, so I don't come across as being dated, and it was fun and I learned a lot. This didn't result in a total career turnaround or anything but I did get a lot of offers and better pay the next time I had to get a new job.
Sounds like you have some decent fundamentals and could easily ramp up skills in some field you are interested in and get more interesting work.