Ask HN: About to have a child, completely burnt out at my job, what do I do?

I'm in a slightly similar situation. I have a job that's fine, but not my dream. Working on my dream on the side. But wife is currently pregnant, so my wife quit her job and we moved in with my parents. I know that might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I love my parents and they're getting older and need help anyway, so it's a win-win situation for me. Have you considered anything similar?

Everyone has a different story. For me, my wife and I had almost given up on having a child and then a miracle happened. Being a dad is a rewarding experience; it gave purpose to my life.

Nevertheless, there are challenges. Your wife will be in pain after labor. She will also be in pain from breast feeding. She will have no sleep. You support her by changing diapers and be lightning-fast when preparing infant formula. (A keurig or hot water dispenser is what I used. Put the infant formula powder in the bottle, dispense a little hot water, stir until the powder is completely mixed, dispense COOL water, stir, and TEST the formula on yourself before giving it to baby). Your wife may get post partum depression and will take out all her frustrations on you. Deal with it; you are partners for life. Eventually, you will want a job with work-life balance. Finances will be tight. But nothing can replace a happy family life.

First things first: take vacation days near the due date, take parental leave after the birth.

Caring for a newborn is a lot of waiting for something to happen, then responding, then more waiting. Get good at resting during the waiting, when the baby sleeps you sleep kind of stuff... When you start feeling well rested, hopefully you still have some leave left and you can worry about your job situation then.

To be brutally honest, assuming a newborn without special circumstances, once you adapt to the care routine, they get real boring. Closer to about three months, they get interesting and if you can arrange to have time off then, that would be great.

I left a job of 7 years when my child was six months old, after returning to work, my outlook had changed and I wasn't as willing to stay where I was --- and I got recruited by two different former bosses at the same time.

If you want to put in some groundwork towards looking for a new job now, make a list of people you have worked with in that you would like to work with again, and a list of people that you would be ok working with again (shouldn't just be people with your job, include managers and other cross-functional teammates), and try to get their personal contacts. When you're ready to look, contact them and ask them how they're doing, where they're working, if they like it there, and if they know anybody who is hiring because you're thinking of a change. Networking will help avoid some of the pain of a job search.

This is great advice. So many dads told me what it was going to feel like to be a dad. By the time I arrived there myself, I found the experience to be completely different and that I had spent lots of mental energy preparing for an experience that wasn't my own.

When you have people who depend on you to provide, how you manage risk changes.

A baby needs everything!

Frankly, you CAN take time to improve your situation, and you will need to do that.

Don't worry about being ready. Almost nobody is and those who attempt to plan it all out, prep up and the like, frequently end up refactoring all that work and planning as life happens!

Do worry about giving this your best. That counts.

Do worry about your health. Others really need you, and they really matter and that is all a beautiful thing!

Regarding your job, work it best you can. They may keep people on edge for a ton of reasons. Just do what it takes to stay in the game, but do avoid letting all that get too far into your head.

Ask for help. The other people you know are worth a lot!

Now to fun stuff. Congratulations! You're going to be a dad!

Having done it, I can tell you there is so much good fun love and beauty and all of this to appreciate. Try to get a hold of that as soon as you can and never let go.

And I would have a talk with your spouse too. You need their support. And I'm sure they're ready to give it, so get all that lined up talk it through.

And then I would lower some expectations. Go take a look at life. What you are doing what you're not, what you need what you don't, what you want, and just minimize all those things make room for having a kid, and once you get settled in and running good, build it back up then, but you can let a lot of that fall away right now and you'll be better for it.