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Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#41

Post by tremon »

willio58 wrote: post #13
telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

Love this in concept, but life turns out to be complicated over the long term. It's easy to say it's "our" money when you both agree on the same goals and life trajectory, but people have a propensity for change. In 10 years, what if your life goals start diverging? Will it still be "our" money? This isn't a personal question for you, but more something to consider even for myself. I love simplicity and I love trust.…

To me it doesn't look like you're describing money problems specifically, but marriage problems in general. If you and your partner no longer agree on the same goals and life trajectory, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. When you start squabbling over details such as who owns what or who earns what, that's probably a symptom that there's deeper issues at play.

That's not to say that every re-evaluation should lead to a breakup. But I think not acknowledging that drift and fighting over the symptoms probably leads to worse outcomes than openly addressing the bigger issue.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#42

Post by sokoloff »

I’ve made more since we started dating 17 years ago, in a ratio typically between 3x and 6x, depending on the year, stock market, and her job. On a crazy stock market year, it could be over 10x.

In phases:

Living apart: fairly traditional dating. I probably picked up 75% of the checks, but we split any travel 50/50 and mostly didn’t worry about it.

Living together: at her insistence, we split the household bills 50/50 and she paid the same amount as she previously paid in rent. This was true in a (more than 2x as expensive) rental and later, a house I bought in my name. This was the most painful phase as the last thing I wanted to do was write down in the ledger that I bought $20 of toilet paper, but she insisted.

Married: all that stopped and it’s all just our money. Same house was put in joint ownership during one of the refinances.

Married with kids: same, but just with a lot less extra money and time. :)

Mechanically, we implement all that with joint accounts (in case of dying) but with accounts that I manage and others that she manages day-to-day. This is so we don’t have to check in with the other to avoid overdrafts or other nonsense. She doesn’t have to get annoyed if I buy a gadget and I don’t have to get annoyed if she buys something I wouldn’t.

Full visibility and access across accounts, but “soft agreement” to have his and hers accounts separately for mechanical but not philosophical/financial reasons.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#45

Post by anonymouse7 »

It's hard for many women to be making more than their husbands.

1. They are not socialized to be the breadwinners. 2. It seems unfair to them if they bringing in the bacon, and doing most of the household management and emotional labor, and physically bearing the children.

In the case of no. 2, it's much easier, cheaper, and hassle-free to just to get a situationship, as a woman.

If she's worried you are "taking advantage of the situation", it probably means she doesn't think you are pulling your weight in the relationship. If she's still doing all the emotional labor and the household management (which could include managing the cleaner), then yes, you aren't bringing much to the table.

Generally, what I've seen work personally and with others, is if the lesser earning spouse manages some other part of the household and the relationship. Like SAHMs who run the house and are the primary caregiver to the kids. The lesser-earner also is the one who organizes date night and all that.

She probably needs to feel that she's getting something out of this relationship --which could simply be feeling loved, taken care of, and desired.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#46

Post by downut »

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine.

Right now she is sick of her job, and FINALLY, I have got a FAANG free idea that I feel confident about launching as a business. Oh christ have they crowded out so many things. As soon as this idea is break-even, with upward trajectory, she's quitting and becoming the support person. Hard agree from me.

Everybody we have ever known over those 42 years who partitioned the pot: divorce. It's just money. Why would you do that? Why is money more important than your spouse?

(I'm replying in complete agreement, if it's not clear.)

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#47

Post by pseudoramble »

mooreds wrote: post #30

This is a real tough one. I have lived this and my best advice is that you should be equal partners. From personal experience, each partner contributes different strengths and abilities. Money is easy to divide and represents life energy but there is more to a partnership. Equal partners does not mean exactly the same effort. Do you split the household chores exactly 50%? Probably not. I look at this in the same ligh…

I agree with the posters that said have a single pool of money and it becomes your money. Perhaps it won't work for everyone, but that's where I'm at.

That being said, I do appreciate your point about the chores. In other families often only one person is employed. The other person is also doing nearly 100% of the chores, or child care, parental care, or other things. It does deviate from the original question a bit, but I think it's important that there's lots of other labor in a family. It's critical to notice IMO because those will almost never directly add to your money number, yet you wouldn't ever skimp on it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#49

Post by benjaminwootton »

I’m very surprised that someone can be married for 12 years and still think like that. Surely your challenges and wins are hers and vice versa?

I’ve always made more than my wife, but she can spend what she wants, and if she starts pulling in a huge salary in future then happy days indeed!

Re: Ask HN: How do you and your spouse handle big income differences?

#50

Post by ryandrake »

telman17 wrote: post #3

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and…

That's the simplest way.

Honestly the whole "my money, your money" thing, with separate accounts, and you pay for this, and I pay for that, and oh i can't buy groceries with your money and vice versa, it just seems so... unnecessarily exhausting. When we got married, that's basically entering into an agreement that says we're one entity. So we just treat everything we own as owning it together. If we were ever to divorce, the State of California would treat everything we own as owning it together, so why complicate things with three bank accounts and negotiating and borrowing and who pays for what?

And before you say, oh that's easy if you make equal salaries, ours is a single income household, and it still works fine.

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