Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

When we see someone we care about suffering we want to be everything they need, but that's not always possible.

I applaud your plan to work on your ability to comfort and express compassion and hope you find the growth you're looking for, but I just wanted to point out that listening skills and communication strategies may not be the issue here.

For instance, my wife and I can't always understand each other's work problems because we have very different jobs. Meanwhile my boss might be the most compassionate person on earth but I would be uncomfortable discussing personal problems with him.

To learn, you actually need to go through hard times yourself. There is no understanding of others unless you can empathize.

That way you learn.

You think you can learn this from books, but it'll end up with you following a scheme you've learned from a book, which does not enable you to magically have empathy. You'll just learn how to fake it.

Instead of a book, I recommend talking to a professional about this.

This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem.

I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this way with you because those solutions aren't what they are looking for and it just creates more stress. The person can feel attacked, like they're being forced to justify how they feel.

Non-violent communication and Active Listening come to mind immediately - I'd recommend a course for the former over books. There's a lineage of coaches in that field who are really great.

I've written an intro to active listening, not a book, but hopefully can inspire you: https://leadership.garden/active-listening-boosts-careers/

Few techniques that I found helpful:

- Actively listening. Keeping any input you might have till the end.

- Repeat what you understood back to people - mirroring.

- Ask open-ended questions. Just be genuinely curious. Don't show any judgement.

- Be vulnerable first for them to open up and share their vulnerability.

- Often the solution is just listening. Suggest solutions only when explicitly asked for.

As mentioned by others, Non-violent Communication is an amazing book about the subject.

A comment about the book NVC. Often people get stuck in the implementation details of the book's recommended way of communicating. When X happens I feel Y, could you Z? But there is so much more to it than that.

One needs to be self-aware. To know more precisely:

a) What actually happened, seeing reality as it is without their interpretation.

b) What they are feeling

c) What needs do they have

d) Concrete actions to resolve a conflict

How these things are communicated is important but still, but the awareness of these components is often overseen.

That is why meditation is often recommended. It is easier to be a better communicator if you are more aware of your feelings, thoughts, and your current environment. Really being present.