Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#41

Post by jaw » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:37 AM UTC

tenonyx wrote: post #13

throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

> you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people

I disagree, a sense of shared suffering can be really helpful in building close and meaningful friendships. Connecting with another miserable person who understood what I was going through - and plotting with them about what each of us could do to try to change things - was one of the key things in getting me through one of the most depressed periods of my life.

> Meetups in my area were also only tech-related.

No book clubs or discussion groups or political action or volunteer groups? Maybe you need to move; there should be a lot more than tech going on in any decent-sized city. Even if it's such a tech-focused area that lots of the attendees happen to work in tech, you'll see other facets of them at those events; people have passions outside of their careers.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#42

Post by the_gipsy » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:38 AM UTC

Either have kids to prevent having time to think, or just accept that life is meaningless.

Remember that happiness is relative to your last phase, there is no such thing as "peak".

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#43

Post by rileyphone » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:39 AM UTC

Honestly, I recommend psychedelics - no other “simple fix” will be as effective in helping you spin the thread of your life. I mean, get out there and try new things, but coming to this realization through your own impetus on a trip will be much more effective than comments here your brain will inevitably dismiss in a second. Just a thought!

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#44

Post by colordrops » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:41 AM UTC

I went through the same thing and moved to China. It was the best thing I ever did. Wouldn't recommend going there now but the idea is to go live somewhere completely different from what you are familiar with.

You could hike the Appalachian trail. Or the Annapurna trail. Do a month at an animal shelter in the Amazon. Live on the beach in Mexico or Thailand or Bali for a few months. Study Spanish in Argentina. Whatever you do, sell everything and start over.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#45

Post by feupan » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:41 AM UTC

tenonyx wrote: post #13

throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

> the pandemic delayed the plans

Don't listen to yourself. I left for Mexico 4 months into the pandemic. Thailand is open, Philippines apparently just opened, Indonesia lets you in with a visa. Do it and don't look back. Pick a country where you can stay 6+ months if you've never traveled before. Find a good DN destination on dedicated websites, not every DN is a developer so you might meet new people just by hanging out there. Open Tinder in these new areas and start meeting people without expectations, you'll have fun.

Being well paid and able to work remotely opens up ridiculous opportunities, don't let them slip. Find some nice cafes (or even a Starbucks) and work there every day, don't stay at home ever.

- an ugly asocial DN in his 30s with out-of-my-league tastes that are sometimes fulfilled. Sent from Java, the island.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#46

Post by formvoltron » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:42 AM UTC

pmalynin wrote: post #26

If you’re in the Bay Area I’ll hang out with you

If you are in mid-coast Maine, I'll hang out with you.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#47

Post by formvoltron » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:42 AM UTC

mmcgaha wrote: post #25

Sex with an unattractive woman is better than no sex at all. A difference between guys born in the 60/70s vs 90/2000s is that we were a lot less picky about the chicks we banged. Not sure what changed in the culture but I don't think the current situation is optimal for anyone. BTW, I know that I am not speaking for everyone from these age groups but I am comparing boys I grew up with vs my boys who were born between…

Not true!

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#48

Post by Hnrobert42 » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:44 AM UTC

rexstjohn wrote: post #20

The bad news is it sounds like you have absolutely nothing. The good news is it sounds like you have absolutely nothing. How I would love to move to Taiwan or Vietnam for six months making my current salary and work remote right now. Or even one month. Wouldn’t it be fun to go to Europe, take a train across the continent and work on a laptop. Or an Airbnb in Barbados. Who convinced you that you have to stay in this l…

Ha. Yeah. At 35, I was in OP’s frame of mind. I pulled the ripcord.

I sold my modest house. Quit my job. Started traveling. I had one friend in VN who left two weeks after I arrived. Through online dating apps and running clubs, I met a ton of new friends and lived in several countries. It wasn’t all roses. There were so really lonely times, but I went through that in the States, too.

Basically, if you are lucky enough to be healthy and able to scrape together $30k (a lot for some, I know), then you can live a pretty fascinating life for a year in a ton of fascinating places.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#49

Post by Bolkan » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:44 AM UTC

> short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands

Do people like this exist? I thaught it was just a meme/stereotype.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#50

Post by justrudd » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 2:45 AM UTC

tenonyx wrote: post #13

throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

> […] I don’t want to meet people like me

How do you know they’re like you? How do you know all the single guys there are just looking to hook up or find girlfriends? How do you know all the aging, unattractive women are just looking for a husband? Feels like you are projecting.

To give a different perspective - I also took dance classes before COVID. I went into it with the mindset that I wanted to learn how to dance (to wit, I failed miserable). If dancing is secondary to you, it’s going to be noticed (people can pick up on desperation). Don’t treat it as the chore you have to do before you can talk to someone. My favorite dance partner was a widow that just wanted to dance with a man who knew how to take lead on a dance. She wasn’t looking to date. Just dance and have a conversation. Many of the single women I met there were the same. I made some good friends (not call at 2am for bail money friends). Men and women.

> Meetups in my area were also only tech-related.

Did you try meetup.com? Did they only had tech events where you are? If so, that’s crazy. I found my virtual book club from meetup.com (win!). I tried a wine tasting, but it was 3 groups of people who knew each other and me (loss!). Did learn a lot about wine (win!). Not every meetup is going to be successful so pick things that are actually interesting vs. trying to guess which one will have the most people.

To sum all this rambling up - you have to be interested in the activity of the event. If you’re not and you treat it like a chore, people can tell.