Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

Goal is to live as normally as possible. I super appreciate all the support of my friends and family, I just don't want them to treat me too differently.

Taking paid caretaker leave for a spouse wasn't an option in my state, and my employer only offered unpaid protected leave; since we were losing my partner's income as well, that also wasn't sustainable, so I worked through it and used PTO as necessary. I was beyond fortunate to have an all-time best of my career manager when this happened; she took everything in stride, accomodated everything as I needed it within her power, rallied the team to cover in emergencies, and completely unprompted was the only person to send my partner flowers in the hospital — she even tracked down the room number herself so not to bother me.

To care for my partner, I took on all of the household responsibilities — we didn't have family nearby, and this took place entirely within the pandemic, so long-distance travel wasn't an option for them - and also all the transportation for infusions and follow-up appointments. I spent as much time with them as I could, worked from home (pandemic helped there), kept them company, cleaned up after them.

Beyond that, there's not much specific care you can provide for chemo side effects, and the effects can be unexpected. Make yourself available to them and set expectations with co-workers (if you can't take leave) and anyone else who relies on you that you'll need to be interrupted frequently.

Maybe the best thing you can do for them is ensure all end-of-life paperwork is in order. Make sure there's a will, a living will, advance directives, make sure they're all signed/witnessed/notarized, get a lawyer if you can afford it (especially if your employer can provide or refer one at a discount). Do it now, because you don't know when or if this will take a turn — treatments or cancer symptoms can start to erode their metal lucidity — and by that point it might be too late to get the signatures necessary.

However stressed you feel about things now, if cancer kills them, it will be so much more incredibly worse. Center yourself in the present. Put aside plans for the future and reconcile the past, now, because you can't do either of those when they're dead.

The harder thing on myself is getting any motivation to work back after the end. Whether that's the cancer going away for now or death, this will permanently change your relationship to work, especially tech work where you're exposed to or enable financial inequality.

I don't think anyone on here can help you with that because your response is going to be so entirely and uniquely your own that you'll have to find your own path onward. Try not to do it alone, try to find a community of cancer caretakers and survivors, but understand that being a caretaker will forever set you apart and change your perspective on making money, IPOs, million/billionaire founders, startup culture, blah fuckin blah.

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer when I was 18/19 (freshman year in college). My mother was diagnosed with lymphoma when I was 21/22 (senior year). Both of them went through some combination of chemotherapy/radiation/etc. - I honestly don't remember every detail. Both went into remission for a period of time.

My mother was then again diagnosed with lymphoma (it came back) during my mid 20's, went through treatment, and recovered (still in remission).

One last lash of cancer hit her in my 30's but was quickly resolved through a single mastectomy.

It was my mother's second round of lymphoma that strained us all the most. She felt like garbage for what seemed like an endless amount of time. That coincided with an extraordinarily period of time at work in my early-ish career. I don't recall telling my boss at the time. She was a wreck, we were a wreck. I wouldn't wish that combination on anyone.

So, I was mentally and emotionally drained because of my mom's situation but didn't do a good job articulating that to anyone. I was performing poorly at work but don't think I mentioned any of this to my boss. I am sure I seemed like a wreck and certainly performed in various aspects of life as if something was off.

Looking back at it all, I have three points of advice: 1. Tell people about your situation so that they aren't misinformed about your overall state (good or bad).

2. As cromulent said, use the help that's offered. You probably aren't as functional as you want to be. Let people help you.

3. Finally, don't think about telling people "not to worry" about you. They will anyways. The people who will ask you questions and support you are the people you want nearby, even if you don't feel that way some or all days. My hunch is you'll ultimately feel better the more you let people in rather than trying to find ways to keep your guard high.

Some things I have noticed to helped me:

1) Exercise - going to the gym regularly, even through mental pain, helped me a lot in the long run

2) Eating out - I started eating out more often and having nice, cooked food helped a lot

3) Working - my employer was very understanding and tbh I found it actually helped me to work, as allowed to take mind off things, though you could be different.

4) Hobby/gaming/Lego

I found the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande to help put some things into perspective. I’m not suggesting things won’t work out but it can also be hard to accept what the evidence is realistically showing you when things are personal so it is good to be prepared; I think it’s a book worth reading by most everyone anyway.

As far as dealing with the every day I would recommend having a daily routine which is emotionally resetting such as meditation, exercise, and some hiking in nature sprinkled in (at least that’s what helped me).

If things don’t go well I would also suggest making sure you have and maintain social connections and seek out a therapist if needed; I did not do that and I would strongly recommend against it. Oh and do take time off even if you think working through it is initially the right move.

For context my experience wasn’t with a family member but none the less someone I was quite close with.

Hang in there.