Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

41–50 of 98 posts

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#41

Post by geocrasher »

I lost my wife in February. We knew it was coming and were able to say goodbye. It doesn't hurt any less.

My wife left me an article series to read, in print, but it's also online, and it has proved helpful over and over again especially when I am in the deepest throes of agony. I hope it helps you and your wife:

"Help for Those Who Grieve" https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/awake-no3-2018-nov-d...

You'll benefit from the articles no matter your religious leanings. They are extremely practical.

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#42

Post by trakter »

I just lost my 17 year old kid brother this year. He was the passenger in a car that got hit by a charter bus. He died on impact. I never got to say goodbye. I’ve lost grandparents and friends before, but I have never felt pain this intense before.

This is also the most alone I have ever felt. Even surrounded by my huge family I felt alone in my pain. I consider myself extremely lucky, I have an incredible wife and loving families from both of us, and yet the grief has left me feeling isolated.

One thing I have thought about a lot is an analogy someone shared with me. They said that when we lose a loved one, we are given a box. In that box, is a ball and a button. Every time that ball touches the button, we feel pain. When the loss happens, the ball fills the box and is constantly pressing the button. The pain seems inescapable. Over time, the ball gets slightly smaller. It still will press on the button, but maybe not as often. The pain doesn’t change and it is always there waiting to be triggered, but as time goes on it may happen less.

We carry that box for the rest of our lives I guess. I still don’t know if there will ever be a day I don’t miss my amazing brother so much it hurts.

I guess I don’t really have much advice for how to deal with the pain. But it has been helpful for me to read your and other's posts on here. Thank you.

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#43

Post by tuyguntn »

First of all, sorry for your loss.

Reading comments, everyone is telling their loss story, everyone has one.

I just want to say, you are alive, life is going on, keep moving, there is nothing any of us can do at this moment, know this, admit it, keep your love in your heart, keep living happy life, there is no other way.

Sorry,

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#44

Post by tuyguntn »

tuyguntn wrote: post #43

First of all, sorry for your loss. Reading comments, everyone is telling their loss story, everyone has one. I just want to say, you are alive, life is going on, keep moving, there is nothing any of us can do at this moment, know this, admit it, keep your love in your heart, keep living happy life, there is no other way. Sorry,

When you admit, when you know we humans are so weak and still haven't solved some big problems, some of them maybe do not have solution, it can help with your feelings. Keep living happy life!

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#45

Post by adgulacti »

nickyvanurk wrote: post #26

I lost my father at age 10 because of a brain tumor. I lost my mother at age 25 due to breast cancer. I'm now aged 27 and lost my brother last month due to alcoholism. It's very sad and recently I cry regularly. Don't be afraid of crying, it's good for the soul. Before my mom passed she said she just wants me to live my life. Do things that make me happy because before you know it life is over. She said: of course yo…

sorry for your losses, and thank you sincerely (as much as possible in a platform like this) from the bottom of my heart.

I didn't go through the scale of grief as you've done, sorry for acting selfish and wanting to share some of my stuff. I went through a divorce and now having a similar "i love you" challenge with the woman in my life. she thinks it is a really big thing and holds her back, so I'm stressed and am also trying to hold myself. but it's just three words and also almost all love dies, like all people. I'm also kind of a crying person, it helps me a lot but people treat it as kind of a weakness.

I simply don't get the ways of the modern world more and more, and I feel old. but I don't think I will try to change myself. not in this sense at least.

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#46

Post by the_arun »

Nevaeh wrote: post #12

Thank you for the suggestion, you may have spared me from one of the biggest regrets of my life. However, I find it hard to say the words, it doesn't really need to be said, it is known. It's a cultural difference for me. In return, all I can offer is the notion that you are not alone. This is something that probably all of us have to face one day. Also, I recall the story of Richard Feynman in his old age walking wi…

The link is showing 404. Here is another for the same song - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0xfWCDLoCU

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#47

Post by brigandish »

This isn't exactly from the direction you may be looking for advice but I offer it in case it may be some help.

A few years ago I got myself into a into a life threatening situation, trapped in it. I was fighting for my life and I was losing. I became so tired that I had to take breaks, and I was able to reflect on my situation. At one point I felt I had no more energy left and accepted I was going to die. All concerns about my life dropped off me and all I could think about was how much I loved the people I know and how I wished them well after I was gone. It was a beautiful moment, maybe the most beautiful moment I've ever experienced. If I'd died at that moment I wouldn't have been unhappy at all.

I'm not special, I have no deep reserve of empathy that others lack, nor am I especially selfless. I've also heard of similar experiences from others who've faced a moment where they were sure death was there for them and they had the time to contemplate it and accept it. It only needs a brief moment.

Perhaps it's not like that for everyone, but those who leave us probably felt something similar because, as I say, I'm not special. They pass on feeling deep love for us, I know that now. I have a friend who passed away in the night from a heart attack, somewhat unexpectedly, and it still makes me want to cry when I think of him, years later now. But even though he probably didn't have the chance of that moment, that feeling was in him for those he loved. I would like to hug him and talk to him again, but if he were to come back, wouldn't he just tell me his hope that I'd been okay and living my life happily and well?

Of course he would.

All the best.

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#49

Post by djyaz1200 »

geocrasher wrote: post #41

I lost my wife in February. We knew it was coming and were able to say goodbye. It doesn't hurt any less. My wife left me an article series to read, in print, but it's also online, and it has proved helpful over and over again especially when I am in the deepest throes of agony. I hope it helps you and your wife: "Help for Those Who Grieve" https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/awake-no3-2018-nov-d... You'll benefi…

Very sorry for your loss

Re: Ask HN: How to cope with the death of a dear person?

#50

Post by adonese »

trakter wrote: post #42

I just lost my 17 year old kid brother this year. He was the passenger in a car that got hit by a charter bus. He died on impact. I never got to say goodbye. I’ve lost grandparents and friends before, but I have never felt pain this intense before. This is also the most alone I have ever felt. Even surrounded by my huge family I felt alone in my pain. I consider myself extremely lucky, I have an incredible wife and l…

I lost my grandpa the last year during the lockdown and the corona. I could not meet him, I could not be there just to say farewell. That analogy you described might be the best way as to how we bear the loss of our loved ones, the pain is always there, we just get used to it and feel less often.

But grief also teaches us to be kind and look after each other's. It is also helps a lot to connect with your lost one's friends and acquaintances! Our memories are scattered across the ones we know.

Post reply on HN