Ask HN: Just found out that I’m gonna be a dad

First of all, congrats! I wanna tell you things I wish someone had told me, some of which will involve your career.

Assuming you and your partner live together-- you will have a strong hint if you're having a boy or a girl by how the pregnancy affects the woman. Girls generally are a sleepy pregnancy. Boys are generally energetic pregnancies. This has to do with the fetus producing sex hormones which affect the mother.

Being a parent is a marathon, not a race. I burned myself out before the baby was even born trying to be everything to everyone. Trying to keep my wife happy, trying to keep an employer that could never be happy satisfied. Let me repeat this point. You need to separate yourself from things that can't be satisfied. From employers whom you can never work enough for, from people who use all of your time and energy.

From now on, your life will be about stability. Children thrive on stability, and you will too. When you enter the stability mindset suddenly whole swaths of society make sense.

You're going to have a hard time getting a job with a child. You won't have time to study interview ephemera. Your hair will turn gray from lack of sleep. You won't have time to participate in the latest fads, or to get drinks after work, and you will be judged for that.

But all the meanwhile, you'll be doing something vastly more important.

> all kinds of morons have kids, and they're fine

So, so true.

Congratulations! Becoming a father involves so many great emotions and moments of excitement, fear, and wonder.

It's scary becoming a new parent. Having children is world changing, because you no longer have to think only about yourself — there is someone else who loves you, and depends completely upon you. There is no one that I've ever spoken with has ever said that they felt ready for this change. That's completely normal, and that's okay.

My wife and I were relatively young — age 21 — when we had our first son. Our situation was somewhat similar to yours in that we had a financial challenge; we learned how to utilize what was available to us. As others have said in this thread: your community and relationships are extremely valuable. It takes a village!

Edit: We just came back from a long walk out. At first I was quiet and awkward. Then I talked about it and handled it better. I even told her how I asked the HN community for help and how it helped me. It turns out she did the same in some mom's community. The advice she we got was completely different. Hers were things like 'take a cute pic'. Mine were more practical and what I wanted to hear. Even though some of them were scary. Maybe, I should have provided better context. Everyone assumed am from US or EU. Anyways, thanks for the help and sold advice. I was in the toilet shaking when I posted this. You guys helped me to think about it in a practical way. I still don't have a solid plan but I feel like I have a clear head.

I was in a similar 'unpredictable income' situation when I had my kid. Since you're on HN, I'm assuming that your income comes from some kind of knowledge work, and you have to be mentally sharp to be productive.

The best investment I ever made was to get a night nanny. This is someone who comes to your home at night and changes diapers, feeds the baby (or brings them to the mom to nurse without waking you up) and may also do basic domestic stuff like laundry and dishes while your partner adjusts to their new routine as a parent.

The cost is going to vary dramatically depending on where you live and whether your kid has any kind of special needs (e.g., if they're a premie you might want a night nanny who is also a registered nurse).

They will basically double your productivity during your waking hours since you will not be suffering (as much) from sleep deprivation.