Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

41–50 of 438 posts

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#41

Post by mparkola »

eight_ender wrote: post #38

Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up, and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with. You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud. The praising / agreeing thing is a bit more complex. I've noticed more recently that…

I agree! ;)

I try to make it more meaningful by saying why I agree with or like something in order to clarify the (prefferably shared) values behind my appreciation.

I've also recently used a torrent of appreciation (the Mesita strategy) to build up the self-esteem of a person struggling with self-confidence.

The trick is it has to be honest and at least somewhat meaningful to them (it's not good to compliment someone on things they don't value).

A really over the top example: complimenting a woman in the workplace on her looks. will definitely not be appreciated and these days might get you fired ;)

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#42

Post by cbanek »

sprior wrote: post #36

Never never never ask someone at work when she's due unless she mentions it first, I don't care if she looks like she's about to deliver a basketball.

I'm having trouble remembering the quote, but it was something like: "Don't ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see a baby is coming out of her right then."

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#43

Post by gHosts »

1. Remember the person you are talking to does not have the same things in their head, and they are not looking at (or seeing) the same things you are....

So no matter how much you disagree with them, from their perspective it makes sense and is ethically correct.

2. Most people are in perfect agreement on most things eg. Motherhood and Apple Pie are Good Things.

Most conflict arises from differing priorities being assigned to various "Good" things.

3. There are precisely two things and ONLY two things you can change in this world.

What you do and how you react.

No matter how important it is, those are the only two things you can change.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#44

Post by closeparen »

Maybe not skills, but habits:

- Give glowing, public praise to the work and behavior I want to see more of, rather than complain about what I want to see less.

- Perform the necessary rituals with a smile, and not reveal any worry about their lack of purpose / fitness for purpose.

- Use videoconferencing only for presentations, never for substantial interactive discussion. (Travel, make the decision locally, or write documents).

- Be away from my desk when I cannot tolerate interruption, rather than risk a curt or dismissive response to a tap on the shoulder.

- Do not mention small problems to people who overreact (but do mention big problems when you need airstrikes).

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#45

Post by cannonedhamster »

ajxs wrote: post #14

I learned the hard way to not underestimate how competitive and treacherous some people can be in the workplace. I was a long-term contractor in a large company and had an incident where I confided to another employee about some issues I was having negotiating my pay at contract renewal time. I never mentioned any numbers, just that a manager had previously promised me a pay-raise and was not honouring their word. Wi…

It's not that employers care about friction. They don't want poor negotiators realizing that could have had more. Unions have had known pay rates for years. Causes no friction whatever if it's clear what gets you what pay. Employers just want employees to undervalue their work so they can pay them less. It's a perfectly valid thing for an employer to lie to you about why and even to try to get the most work for the least pay. You should be attempting to do the same.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#46

Post by bnjms »

ajxs wrote: post #34
bnjms wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you say white kind of warning signs were on display? This sounds like something I would walk into.

It sounds like I'm being very petty bringing these kinds of thing up, but I'll go into a bit more detail. This particular employee was extremely critical of fellow employees at his own level, and would make extremely overt attempts to ingratiate himself with senior employees and managers. We used to interview potential candidates for junior positions together. One very odd behaviour that he'd exhibit that really rubb…

Not petty when it's specifically asked for and relevant to the conversation. I don't know this person so they're not so much a real person as an archetype I can look for. In this case it's always useful to remember patterns we see in others relationships apply to ourselves too. Thanks for sharing.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#47

Post by ravenstine »

noname_jabroni wrote: post #2

We were born with 2 ears and 1 mouth - listen more than you speak... I found that this drives all other areas of interpersonal interaction: you need to understand where someone else is coming from / what their motivations are before trying to "fix" things or "pitch" them... sometimes people just want to be heard above all else Honestly and simplicity are the best policy. Don't bs, don't overpromise, own up to your fa…

> you need to understand where someone else is coming from / what their motivations are before trying to "fix" things or "pitch" them.

To extend upon that, I think listening is important in order to understand what people actually mean by what they say. Just because what they are saying is imperfect doesn't mean that the actual point they are trying to get across is invalid. I've noticed that people spend effort coming up with the next response that they only bother to argue against the surface of what the other person is saying without taking into account the actual substance and intent.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#48

Post by issa »

The hardest lesson for me is that, especially at large companies, things don't happen for good reasons. Meaning if you are used to the world making sense, you're in trouble. One example that jumps to mind is the flak I took for deciding to change my team from subversion to git. It sounds crazy even typing that!

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#49

Post by asveikau »

BurningFrog wrote: post #23
Clubber wrote: post #3

Don't be an asshole. I can't stress this one enough. I don't care how smart you are, if you are an asshole, your career is not gonna work out. Try really hard not to be negative, even when there is reason to be. Try not to be openly negative about the company or a particular employee. It's poison for you and your teammates and makes you feel worse. Don't get defensive when someone makes suggestions to your code (I st…

> Don't be an asshole. It's really hard to know when you are one though. Hardly anyone thinks they're an asshole, even when they are, right?

And in some organizations, word gets around that being an asshole is how to get ahead. So less assholish people refine their inner asshole. Sometimes more or less aware of it than others.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#50

Post by mparkola »

issa wrote: post #48

The hardest lesson for me is that, especially at large companies, things don't happen for good reasons. Meaning if you are used to the world making sense, you're in trouble. One example that jumps to mind is the flak I took for deciding to change my team from subversion to git. It sounds crazy even typing that!

"Logic is not a great tool for understanding reality" as my mother used to say ;)

Another way to look at it is that there's always a perfectly good reason _from a certain perspective_.

Post reply on HN