Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#41

Post by rob_star » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:14 PM UTC

Yes. Right now. I helped found and run a startup for nearly five years but had to start looking for a job a few months ago because we were running out of money very quickly. I accepted a Lead Engineer position in the U.S. (Pacific Northwest) at a big company but things just haven't worked out for me. There is nothing wrong with the job or the company, per se, it's just that the job is a bit boring and I hate the bureaucracy and the dynamics of such a large company. Even worse, I received a massive signing bonus which I used to pay for my relocation and a bunch of debts from my startup years. If I leave now, I will have to repay it, but a good chunk of that money is already gone.

I'm alone, depressed and the gloomy weather isn't helping either (SAD is very real). I keep wondering if I will never be able to fit in a regular job again. Yes, I feel trapped.

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#42

Post by abecedarius » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:16 PM UTC

c22 wrote: post #26

cheesymuffin wrote: post #11

I find that having a 163 IQ generally helps -- people in this bracket generally don't have such problems because they can easily reason out of their current situation. I can empathize with people who can't, though, but it's definitely a mental state.

My iq has been measured at 158 and I have definitely felt trapped before. Sure I "reasoned out" of these situations eventually, but I suspect most do. Do you suppose there are people who really find themselves trapped forever?

Similar here: IQ in the same range, and there was a time early in my career when I'd started a job that turned out to be a poor fit. I had just paid off student loans in preference to having savings.

There are worse traps than not wanting a bad look on your resumé, but that feeling was definitely there.

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#43

Post by onetimeacc_7897 » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:19 PM UTC

My Girlfriend is a good person and loves me. I am not attracted to here. I am not sure how to leave her.

We have a open relationship and sleep with other people and occasionally have threesomes. I don't want to be with anybody really. I optimize my life for minimal commitment. I don't want anybody depending on me in any way. I was open about this from the start.

I think that she sometimes is helpless and generally not the smartest person, and i suspect that this is the reason why there is no symmetrical attraction. I don't know what and how to tell here, how to leave and do minimal damage -- the truth, seems to be no option.

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#44

Post by Neil44 » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:24 PM UTC

onetimeacc_7897 wrote: post #43

My Girlfriend is a good person and loves me. I am not attracted to here. I am not sure how to leave her. We have a open relationship and sleep with other people and occasionally have threesomes. I don't want to be with anybody really. I optimize my life for minimal commitment. I don't want anybody depending on me in any way. I was open about this from the start. I think that she sometimes is helpless and generally no…

She probably already senses what you're feeling and suffers emotional damage from it. Since the current situation is hurting everyone involved I would recommend ending it. She will be totally fine. She might surprise you with what she can do when she has to.

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#45

Post by luckystartup » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:25 PM UTC

Yes, right now I'm feeling trapped by "option paralysis", and I'm actually looking for some help to untangle a very complicated situation [1]. I'm very fortunate to be a professional software developer with a growing company, and a lot of different opportunities. But I actually have too many choices, and too many different factors to consider. I'm not sure how to organize everything and make a decision.

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19659912

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#46

Post by Neil44 » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:26 PM UTC

cheesymuffin wrote: post #11

I find that having a 163 IQ generally helps -- people in this bracket generally don't have such problems because they can easily reason out of their current situation. I can empathize with people who can't, though, but it's definitely a mental state.

People with high IQ's are often better at fooling themselves.

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#47

Post by dstick » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:31 PM UTC

mbrundle wrote: post #25

I used to work at a Series A funded biotech startup. I’d consulted for them for free for 2 years, then joined full time after they got the funding, then it all fell to pieces. Investor pressure led to CEO putting huge pressure on team, and (along with many others) I cracked and left. Fallback option was to help my best friend from school to build a tech startup. We lived on opposite sides of the Atlantic but we’d tal…

Thanks for sharing that :) You harnassed the pressure and created diamonds. All the best to you and your family!

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#48

Post by onetimeacc_7897 » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:37 PM UTC

Neil44 wrote: post #44

onetimeacc_7897 wrote: post #43

My Girlfriend is a good person and loves me. I am not attracted to here. I am not sure how to leave her. We have a open relationship and sleep with other people and occasionally have threesomes. I don't want to be with anybody really. I optimize my life for minimal commitment. I don't want anybody depending on me in any way. I was open about this from the start. I think that she sometimes is helpless and generally no…

She probably already senses what you're feeling and suffers emotional damage from it. Since the current situation is hurting everyone involved I would recommend ending it. She will be totally fine. She might surprise you with what she can do when she has to.

Thanks for the encouragement to do the right thing asap.

Your reply is quite powerful and understandable. Do you practice "Non-Offensive Language"?

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#49

Post by keiferski » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 5:46 PM UTC

cimmanom wrote: post #18

keiferski wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not the guy asking the question, but: was 12 months a good period of time? Would 6 or 9 months have been too short? 18 months too long?

Twice (starting new enterprises) if it weren’t for a couple lucky breaks I’d have needed at minimum 18 months. As it was, I burned down about 6 months worth the first time before starting to break even. The second time it both took off and crashed quickly and I didn’t burn much cash during the enterprise itself but did spend 3 months after unemployed and looking for a 9-5 job. A third time (joining an early stage sta…

Thanks for the long answer. Much appreciated.

Re: Ask HN: Have you ever felt trapped?

#50

Post by Neil44 » Sun, Apr 14, 2019, 6:10 PM UTC

onetimeacc_7897 wrote: post #48

Neil44 wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

She probably already senses what you're feeling and suffers emotional damage from it. Since the current situation is hurting everyone involved I would recommend ending it. She will be totally fine. She might surprise you with what she can do when she has to.

Thanks for the encouragement to do the right thing asap. Your reply is quite powerful and understandable. Do you practice "Non-Offensive Language"?

You mean in a Marshall Rosenberg kind of way? Not deliberately but I always try to keep judgement at bay and avoid guilt tripping people, by understanding that we are all doing the best we can with the cards we are dealt. Also I had a big break up last year.