Ask HN: Did your life as a parent affected your life as a developer?

Having gotten married recently, things have already changed quite a bit, before even having kids. I have a similar job and commute as you do.

I also recently had the opportunity to change jobs and made it a point to join a place that doesn't believe in working long hours and staying late. (I used to work in an infamous place for long hours, then I left that to cofound my own startup which was again long hours even if more flexible.) My team here is totally fine with my 9:30-6:00 schedule with working from home 1 day of the week. This is currently how I balance it. I predict having kids will throw a wrench at this scheduling again and I'll have to re-adjust. As for side projects, it's pretty much fitting it in spare minutes on the train commute, when the wife showers, etc.

So, I have 3 kids, 8,6, and 3.

> I commute every day 1 hour in each direction.

I know some people are stuck in this situation but I would really recommend finding something closer or getting a fully remote job.

I have had a 100% remote job for the past 5 years and it has made all the difference. I wake up, get the kids breakfast and then head over to the standing desk and get to work. Since we homeschool I always eat lunch and dinner with my kids. Working remotely is the only way this would be possible.

> where do you take time for your side projects or studying new technologies

I do this mainly on the job now, currently learning/implementing Terraform and studying for AWS exams. Take on new challenges at work etc. I also freelance, where I am exposed new tech and challenges.

> full stack developer

There are tons of remote jobs for that skillset, I really encourage you to look elsewhere.

No particular order. I've mostly settled into 2,5,6,7.

I can't seem to give up 7 for 1 without hating life, even though going low-sleep sucks a ton. It'd be sweet if we could afford housekeeping to take care of 3, but oh well.

These aren't perfectly identical categories anyway, of course. You can sneak an hour or two worth of 7 in per week depending on what you do, 15 minutes here, 10 there, even if you don't make any other time for it, but doing that with 4 is nearly impossible, and the quality or benefit of any of the activities will tend to be lower that way (you definitely do a fair amount of cleaning no matter what, for instance, though maybe not enough to achieve 3).

Dedicated, significant chunks of time with all the pieces in place for the various activities are what's hard to come by, and what forces in general picking some of them over the others. You just gotta let some stuff go or you'll go insane trying to keep up with it all, and failing to do so anyway.

I have the option to take the train to work, so that gives me a solid 2 hours a day to hack on my side project.

I would have to say my time hacking on a project is more focused with kids. You have to be if you want to get things done.

Your commute is costing you around 10K per year, just for direct costs such as car and fuel. Then you have indirect costs such as: -lost time which you can probably put a dollar figure on (esp if you are using some of that time for a side project that may one day have value) Then finally there are the intangible costs: -lower fitness, meaning more sickness, more medical bills. -a less fullfilling relationship with your wife and kids -stress of the commute, also contributing to poor health.

Basically you should go to your boss, if possible and ask to work from home - you could even take a 10K pay cut and it would make no difference financially.

I've worked from home for 10+ years and it's great. You should do it if at all possible.