Ask HN: Dealing with a Toxic Co-Worker

It might be a good idea to regularly confront him with the things he says about other employees (in a subtle way), in front of those other employees, and thereby creating an uncomfortable situation that he has to handle.

By doing so other employees will then become to know what you already know, and some solution is more likely to arise.

In any case, before this thing starts impacting your mood outside of work, definitely leave the company. (i have been in the exact same situation and regret not leaving that company much earlier.)

As someone who is often perceived to be too negative or worse (although I've improved a lot over the years), I can tell you that in terms of the options you're considering, the best solution is different, but does involve #1.

First, recognize that not everyone thinks the same, or has the same style. Consider that just like his attitude upsets you, your (or your coworkers) attitudes may be upsetting him. This is key to coming up with a solution that works for everyone.

Second, understand that this is probably more venting than anything. The guy is getting frustrated and knows he can't (and shouldn't) take it out on people he sees as having messed up. This doesn't make it right, but consider that the guy is trying not to be toxic.

Third, the guy needs regular feedback about this. --You mention that when your manager talks to him, things improve for a time. This ties into my second point, that the guy is actually trying. You may or may not be in a position where he'll listen to you. I'd recommend trying to talk to him about this directly. When you do this, don't beat around the bush. --Tell him that you know he's good at what he does, but that the constant complaining about coworkers makes it hard for you and others to work with him. I really recommend that you do this. Or if not you, the coworker who he seems to have the most respect for - it'll often mean more coming from a coworker than a manager.

Fourth, ask your manager to follow up regularly. --He needs to help keep reinforcing the attitude change so that the guy doesn't fall back into old habits.

Finally, consider offering the guy a chance to vent over lunch once a week or so away from the office. --This helps give him a chance to get things off his chest, but to do it somewhere that it doesn't hurt others. And it might give you a chance to give him some insights of your own about the people he complains about.

This guy may never be your ideal coworker, but you can probably help find the middle ground that makes things better for everyone.

It's not hard to get people to leave voluntarily -- especially if they are technically competent. Management can easily do it by simply underpaying. Eventually the person will find a better paying job. If you want to get rid of someone and you are not in management, then just imagine all the crap things people have done to you in the past that made you want to quit. It's not hard.

Of course in true Machievillian fashion, I don't actually recommend this. It's the type of stuff that makes teams dysfunctional. One of the things that makes this all difficult is the question, "Who is the asshole who is making this project so difficult to work on?" Nobody answers with "Me". Engaging in petty politics to force people out is what makes you the asshole -- even if you are doing it to get rid of a different asshole.

Choosing to help the other guy, even if you think you have almost no chance of success, is what makes you the good guy. The problem is... you have almost no chance of success, the asshole probably won't thank you, and they will actually probably try to get you fired. Which is why sitting in your cubicle minding your own business is really attractive. But, of course, that just enables the asshole.

Leaving abdicates responsibility and leaves your mates with one less ally.

It's the Kobayashi Maru scenario :-) There is no right answer. It is simply a test of character.

Your coworker's behavior is extreme, but your response shouldn't be. It is not your job to manage your coworker's interactions with others, and your manager already seems aware of the situation. Instead you have a responsibility to yourself as well as your team. You should empower yourself to act on your beliefs. It's telling that none of your five options include speaking to your coworker or trying to enact any change yourself.

If, for example, your coworker begins to belittle someone else once they leave the room, you could say something like: "I don't think that null-reference exception makes them an idiot, but that's why we have code review," or "...perhaps we should have code review," or "...perhaps you could show them how you have handled a similar problem in your code, so we could learn from it."

When you interact with your coworker, use professionalism as a tool: keep the topic relevant to business and remain as unemotional as possible. If you start to become emotional or if your coworker becomes emotional slow down what you are saying to give yourself time. You can also repeat what he or she is saying, in order to confirm or mirror it.

If you keep it professional no one is going to blame you. Obviously you can get away with much worse, but you need to indicate to this person that it's not ok to talk that way around you. If you're feeling that way and your manager is feeling that way, then other people probably are. If you act professionally, you will give your coworker a dignified way of changing their behavior. Everyone, especially management, will want to avoid drama; but that doesn't mean you should let this person do whatever he or she wants. Right now you're enabling that behavior.

Finally, you should think very carefully about leaving your job because of one other person. That is a major life decision you are making, all because of one jackass. What are you going to do at the next job if you don't like someone? I would try to at least exert some influence yourself before changing your entire work life.

I had a similar experience.

Turned out the offending co-worker just favored bluntness over politeness and was more than happy to discover I was able to discuss with him over concepts and not over how those concepts he expressed.

The two of us never had a problem since.