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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#391

Post by lhuser123 »

It could be just the normal outcome of so many years focusing more on coding & less in social interactions.

There’s no magic to fix this like there’s no magic that will make you a physicist by next month.

It will take time & effort. And no, no pill will fix this either & it could easily make it worse.

Slowly build those social skills if that’s what u want. Read books, watch videos, get counseling, practice, practice, practice.

Keep in mind, “ Loneliness is primarily a psychological state. A person who spends a lot of time alone, and is ok with that, is not lonely. Conversely, there are people who say they feel lonely even when they are in the company of others”.

Maybe u just need to find the right balance. Whatever u do, figure out first who u really want to become. Is very easy to take the wrong route again, & again & again…

BTW, the counselor (therapist or whatever) doesn’t have the answer either. The answer resides inside you. Use the counselor as a rubber duct. Talking about it, is like doing an extensive research.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#392

Post by blackboxlogic »

rexstjohn wrote: post #20

The bad news is it sounds like you have absolutely nothing. The good news is it sounds like you have absolutely nothing. How I would love to move to Taiwan or Vietnam for six months making my current salary and work remote right now. Or even one month. Wouldn’t it be fun to go to Europe, take a train across the continent and work on a laptop. Or an Airbnb in Barbados. Who convinced you that you have to stay in this l…

Countering with a lesson I leaned the hard way: if you're depressed and you go to Europe you'll be depressed in Europe.

Traveling may not be a bad idea, but it won't necessarily fix anything because "wherever you go, there you are"

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#393

Post by dennis_jeeves »

gafferongames wrote: post #267
throw__away7391 wrote: post #254

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This truly is terrible advice. The worst thing that could happen would be your life gets wrapped into a religious community. This is why people of seeming average intelligence stay in churches. Everyone is pretending to believe the nonsense because if anyone admits (often even just to themselves) just how stupid it is, poof goes their friends, community, perhaps even their marriage. > I’m not even spiritual and I avo…

I'm an atheist or at best agnostic, but I've met and known many highly intelligent people who are also religious. It's not mutually exclusive.

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#394

Post by Blackstone4 »

People can smell desperation and loneliness… I could tell you to find hobbies…but those by itself won’t help. If one walks around thinking negative thoughts and that people don’t like me… it’s self fulfilling…

Thinking positive thoughts and making compliments. Walk around the world with the belief that it’s is a wonderful place and that you have the ability to make friends. You have as much right to be liked and loved as others.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#395

Post by rakejake »

anon2020dot00 wrote: post #388
rakejake wrote: post #297

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While there may not be a causal relationship between a dev career and social isolation, I feel they are orthogonal. Unlike a product manager or a sales person, there is not as much incentive to build a social circle, and to acquire the skills that let you build a social circle wherever you go. So your circle-building skills slowly atrophy, unless you are a social animal and put in extra-effort in your own time. As ma…

Great comment, this actually made me realize that I have a fixed mindset when it comes to socializing. Instead of a growth mindset, that socializing is a skill that needs to be practiced and can be improved. My problem though is that I rarely know how to make casual conversation correctly. I usually think of asking questions but this usually comes-off as being too much like an interrogation. Anybody have tips on maki…

Something like sports is tailor-made for casual conversation. Sports/movies/TV-shows are really valuable in providing mostly non-controversial gossip.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#397

Post by czbond »

option_greek wrote: post #261
czbond wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'll add to part of your statement. I'm 5'7" and in school people told me I was short. I felt self conscious about it up until through dating. For me, what it did is made me the most confident person I know - or frankly have ever met. It made me know myself. What I've found is taller guys, generally lack strong self confidence because people defer to them without real work. I then realized most people are followers,…

Very well put. Not just tall/short but physical beauty in general tends to push or pull people with it in a particular direction (be it career/friendships/relationships). To think of it in another way, they are as much trapped with it as the person with bad looks whether they want it or not. For many good looking people, its a big problem when the short span of these once awesome physical attributes start to reach it…

Great points - you're absolutely right

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#398

Post by throwawaymanbot »

dominotw wrote: post #72
Hnrobert42 wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ha. Yeah. At 35, I was in OP’s frame of mind. I pulled the ripcord. I sold my modest house. Quit my job. Started traveling. I had one friend in VN who left two weeks after I arrived. Through online dating apps and running clubs, I met a ton of new friends and lived in several countries. It wasn’t all roses. There were so really lonely times, but I went through that in the States, too. Basically, if you are lucky enou…

yea I am doing that right now, Loneliness is no joke. Most important thing i struggle with is maintaining postive mindset and not go into a negative spiral.

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#399

Post by amerkhalid »

It sounds like you tried hobbies to meet people instead of having any real interest in those hobbies. People with real interest can tell if someone is faking it.

Try to do things that really interest you. Also don’t judge non-attractive people. They may make good friends and introduce you to their friends who might be attractive for you.

And even if only thing interests you is programming then try to volunteer your programming skills somewhere. Not only you might meet someone but also do social good.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#400

Post by baremetal »

I left coding. "Retired" at 29. goofed off until covid hit (age 33). Was very apathetic, developed some nasty self destructive habits.. covid kinda woke up me up. Moved to a rural area. Bought a 20 acre farm. Got a entry level job as a carpenter. Within a year i had hired the master carpenter i was working with (after our boss was in a motorcycle accident and closed his business). Just got our first house (custom home, 3600sf) to build two weeks ago. Im making $500-600 a day now.

im happy, way more happy. still a bit hard to make friends (slow process). currently trying to find a (young, traditional) wife. my health improved greatly (strong as an ox now, where before i was spindly and underdeveloped), and im not depressed or apathetic at all. i leap out of bed! eager to go to work. and the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day is unparalleled.

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