You’re gonna have a hard time “salvaging what’s left” if you continue see it as such. There’s no reason you can’t feel like you were just born. And there’s no reason a married and successful 40 year old can’t fall into a deep depression. Work on enjoying present which is where real happiness lies. Your situation sounds like heaven to some.
Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
371–380 of 767 posts
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#372You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…
100% to the above and I would look specifically for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which specializes in treating distorted thinking. It rescued me from my early thirties and I haven’t been depressed since. Our brains are wired to generate stories and narratives around everything, we can’t help it, and sometimes those narratives are distorted but cause damage and like a scab, we keep reinforcing and picking at them. Lea…
Second the advice for Cognitive Behavorial Therapy, looks like the best fit in this case.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#373> I know the best of my life is behind me.
Wrong Mindset. The best is yet to come.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#374You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…
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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#375When you walk through a city pay attention to the construction. There's cranes everywhere. Roads are being dig up and patched over. Old makes way for the new. A human life is similar. It's a never ending construction project. If you think you're done building, i would argue that you're wrong. It's never too late to reinvent. And for an early 40s male it's certainly not too late to start a family.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#376>I let the prime of my life pass me by.
It's not an easy ask, but you really have to stop believing this lie you keep telling yourself.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Therapy is a great idea, so is a support group. You're not alone (far from it).
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#377It can be done. I did it. In my mid 40s I developed a chronic illness that rendered me unable to work for a few years. It bankrupted me and sank my career before I found the right doctor and started rebuilding. I had to more or less start over from nothing.
The life I've had since then is not the one I thought I was going to have. For one thing, I have a lot less money than I thought I was going to have. My professional career went in a very different direction from what I expected. My hobbies changed drastically. My circle of friends changed, too.
Still, in many ways I think the life I have now is better than the one I was building before. I miss some things, but I'm happier with this one than the one I had before.
So don't give up. Your best days may well be ahead of you.
Get some professional help. It sounds like you're going to need to travel to do it, but try. A good therapist will teach you skills you can use to help yourself. Of course, it's then up to you to actually use them.
Until then, train your attention to focus on things that help you instead of things that hurt you. It's hard to change what you habitually think about, but it can be done. Our minds want to wander back to familiar thoughts, especially ones with a lot of emotional power, but you can persist. You can keep turning your attention to more constructive things, and it will gradually get easier to do. Just don't give up when it doesn't get instantly better. It takes time and persistence.
Telling yourself things like "I'm past my prime", "It's too late," "I let life pass me by" can't help you, but they can hurt you. So use your attention differently. Focus on what's in right front of you, not on what's behind you. Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't do. Measure your life by what you think is worth doing for its own sake, not by comparing yourself to imaginary outcomes.
Choose things to do that you respect, and do them because you respect them. Don't worry too much about the outcomes; those are mostly out of your hands, anyway. Just keep your attention on things that you respect and believe in.
When you do, sometimes what you do will help other people. Sometimes those people will want to return the favor. Sometimes those returned favors will turn into friendships. Sometimes your friends will help you.
It worked for me. It might work for you. I wish you the best of luck.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#378A distant cousin of mine from India was in the same boat. He was a Mechanical Engineer from Osmania University in Hyderabad. In the early 2000s he came to Silicon Valley and was employed by Intel. He made a little money and bought a condo, he then joined a startup. Unfortunately the startup folded and he lost his health insurance. At the same time he developed some kidney issues and had to go on dialysis. His family convinced him to return to India so they could care for him.
He really languished there for a decade. His health is a bit better as he received a kidney transplant, but its far from ideal. He has many complications. He also missed out on almost 15 years of career progress due to his medical issues.
Also, India is very prejudiced against men with health issues so he could not find a wife through the traditional arranged marriage route (it didn't help that he was unemployed).
He sank into depression. When I visited him in 2016 I was really worried about him. He would not pick up the phone when I called. I started to write him letters ... he only answered maybe one in 10 letters. But I kept writing to him. I would send him books, and snippets of information on interesting projects I thought he would like.
He was interested in self-driving cars many many years before they became mainstream ... so I offered to pay for him to attend the Udacity class on the topic a few years ago. He started the class but never finished it. I didn't mind that he didn't finish it, but since the course was quite expensive he was filled with shame and wouldn't speak to me.
Finally, almost miraculously, something changed in him over Covid. You would think that in the isolation he would get worse, but he actually began to reconnect with his friends and family in the USA over Zoom starting in 2020. In late 2020 he started working on some open source projects in image recognition and some related math libraries.
From that work he got contract work. Its nothing huge, but its enough to pay his expenses in India and build some savings. He is really enjoying working remotely for a team in the USA. They offered him a fulltime job in Minneapolis, but due to his health and not knowing anyone in Minneapolis, he decided to remain remote and work from India. But his mood is palpably better now.
I don't know if its a turn around story ... but maybe the beginning of one?
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#379"Be the change you want to see in the world" is often used in a political or societal context. But it's the personal application of this idea that I find more interesting.
The hard part is understanding want you want. If you have nobody to talk to, you can write down your thoughts (writing down dreams can work wonders for understanding oneself).
I think having a clear idea of what you want gives you a better understanding of your life, and will help you to move to action. If you want to change your life, (and it sounds like you do,) you'll need to act.
Start asking yourself: "what do I want to do right now?" Answer truthfully and then act on it, it's the best advice I can give you.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#380There are magic bullets. But I feel a few months ago as if I stumbled upon one: My regular sports team (ultimate frisbee) disbanded after the pandemic, so I found myself without any physical exercise. I thought I probably should go to the gym but realised I wasn't going to do it after work, and neither before breakfast. Also, I am 34 and have never visited a gym before in my life. Then I found a gym across my office…
You sound like Joe Rogan: you have a problem, just workout man. It's not bad advice imo, just doesn't apply to everyone the same way.