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Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

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Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#371
post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's generally a policy to keep pay and pay negotiations confidential. I know that your general point is about the personal relationships, but I want to point out that this policy is bullshit. You can legally disclose your salary with anyone (including in the US). From my experience in the UK employers don't even try to pull any of these 'policies', although often employees don't go around discussing their salaries…

>You can legally disclose your salary with anyone (including in the US). You can legally do lots of things in the US. At will employers can also legally let you go without a reason. It's not going to be easy to show that they let you go for a legally protected reason.

Don't put up with it. People reading this will have the rare luxury of working in an industry and in positions where they have a lot of leverage and a choice of employers.

(Disclaimer - it's easy for me to write this from the EU where this isn't a problem at all, thankfully.)

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#372
post #14

I learned the hard way to not underestimate how competitive and treacherous some people can be in the workplace. I was a long-term contractor in a large company and had an incident where I confided to another employee about some issues I was having negotiating my pay at contract renewal time. I never mentioned any numbers, just that a manager had previously promised me a pay-raise and was not honouring their word. Wi…

colleagues ARE NOT friends... they are competition. Don't tell a colleague anything personal you wouldn't tell an enemy. I've too have learned this the hard way.

yikes. you sound like a miserable person to work with

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#373

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Since we like some of the same music, I'd love any suggestions you have for other easy songs that are fun to play.

Here are some songs that I find myself playing here and there: Weezer - Mykel and Carli The Shins - So Says I Billy Bragg - Jailcell Blues (from Memaid Avenue) Silver Jews - Random Rules Silver Jews - The Wild Kindness (and a few others by them) Radiohead - Lucky Hank Williams - Lovesick Blues Willie Nelson - Redheaded Stranger Johnny Cash - I guess things happen that way ------------------- Here are some harder ones…

Thanks for taking the time to write this out.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#374

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

No offense, but I mean this, earnestly: get over yourself. If you talk to a person, and the conversation is dull, they might be a boring person. If most of the people you talk to seem boring, then you are the boring person . You bemoan that you find almost everyone a "paper shell". And yet you are the one who has restricted your opinion of interesting people and topics with a PhD attached to it. You dismiss pursuits…

> If you "peel back" the layers of people and frequently find nothing, that doesn't mean their is nothing there, it means you don't have the perception or ability to find it.

Everyone, literally every person, has at least one valuable thing they can teach you.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#375

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here are some songs that I find myself playing here and there: Weezer - Mykel and Carli The Shins - So Says I Billy Bragg - Jailcell Blues (from Memaid Avenue) Silver Jews - Random Rules Silver Jews - The Wild Kindness (and a few others by them) Radiohead - Lucky Hank Williams - Lovesick Blues Willie Nelson - Redheaded Stranger Johnny Cash - I guess things happen that way ------------------- Here are some harder ones…

Thanks for taking the time to write this out.

Sure! It was a nice walk down memory lane.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#376

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can flip that and say the advice your co-worker needed to hear: don't be duplicitous or treacherous in the workplace. You may think it gets you ahead but this is highly illusory and temporary. When you look back you'll just have anxiety and regrets behind you, if you have decency. And when it's all over, the things you thought were really important at the time won't be, so why be a jerk about them?

Being a jerk might help get what you think you want (money, success) at the price of what you actually need (self-respect, warm relationships). That is, of course, if it doesn't backfire. Then you get nothing.

Unfortunately, I´ve seen it bring money and success a LOT of times.

Some of the most immoral jerks I know are extremely successful and very wealthy.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#377
post #273

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is the only proper response to OP's throwaway rant. If you find a problem with most people you meet, the problem's probably with you.

Well, there are only two ways to respond to such comments: 1. The inky "proper" way (as you say) 2. Complete and utter lack of words to respond. Is there anything in between? Doubt it.

> 2. Complete and utter lack of words to respond.

> Yikes.

I see what you did there

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#378

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Get off your own pedastal and take others off the imaginary pedastal you've put them on. Everyone is a pedestrian. Everyone can only ever be a person with human interests and the same limits of human capabilities. I realized this about others early on, but it takes a real moment of reflection to realize this yourself. Being conceited is not an admirable quality. I've very much been there, I know this, but don't remember what it's like. I do remember, that it's a tool. It's a tool and a copout for understanding the human context that you're in and being vulnerable.

In addition, if you haven't found what makes someone interesting or can't conceive of it, you haven't looked past the outermost level. Once I started sitting down with people, setting my ego aside, and listening to what they're interested in, I was way happier and realized that the small world I placed myself in—this artificial bubble of grandeur—was kind of depressing, and pure intellectual pursuits alone aren't enough to live a fullfilling life. You have to find balance.

I trade long diatribes about urban development with meandering tales from the theater industry or discover the background I didn't know existed in the colleage that I've been working with. I'll concede that in a vast, vast minority of cases I can't find a thread to go deeper on. It's usually because they've put up a wall for some reason or another, or their current set of pursuits or passions or romances is just pretty vanilla, and that's okay. Sometimes it doesn't work out, but you gotta explore the human connection. If I didn't take this approach, I would have written off everyone in my life, including one specific developer I know who had a very similar attitude. Through time, I found the value in those people and it's super rewarding to me that they remember my name after a year being gone from a relatively new city. We're just people passing through this world, and everyone has something different and interesting about them... if you let your gaurd down.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#380

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is one of those things I can't believe it took me so long to learn. If a conversation is boring you, all else being equal, the other person is likely to also be bored. If you're enjoying talking to someone, again without any other knowledge, they are probably also enjoying the conversation. Plenty of exceptions and I have no explanation for it because I am a paper-shell of a human being, but it's a useful heuris…

absolutely not true. There are many many contexts in which I won't talk about what I do for a living because while I absolutely enjoy it and could talk for hours, I know others will find it uninteresting. I seriously get tired of seeing these inane observations in this thread.

> absolutely not true. There are many many contexts in which I won't talk about what I do for a living because while I absolutely enjoy it and could talk for hours

Alternatively, many people will enjoy hearing you passionately discuss whatever matters to you, and will be happy to pick up whatever scraps of peripheral knowledge they can, insofar as they can understand you.

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