Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

361–370 of 767 posts

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#361

Post by DrNosferatu »

soheil wrote: post #307
DrNosferatu wrote: post #100

Therapy is a must. You are in Germany, is this correct? (if not, and if you have the possibility [from your username], actually consider moving back there as access to free mental health care is much easier) Germany has Krankenkassa-covered access to therapy, and even Krankenkassa-covered clinics specializing in recovery from depression and other conditions - many times no pills, multimodal talk and art therapy appro…

I'd go one step further and recommend a real doctor, a psychiatrist.

The professionals providing the treatment will decide.

Nevertheless IMHO, I think at least a component of therapy is paramount, as there is the need to change the life outlook to a growth one. You can't do that on pills alone.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#362

Post by hiram112 »

dbspin wrote: post #283
ambicapter wrote: post #202

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily The good news for GP is I think for a lot of people what you consider to be much harder is just the norm.

Totally agree with this. I have an older (late 50's) gay friend who considers himself 'over the hill'. He talks constantly about how hard it is to find someone etc. However, by comparison to myself and my other straight friends, it's trivially easy for him to find both sex and companionship. Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying. It's not so much that he doesn't k…

> Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying

I think a lot of women experience the same upon reaching middle age. In their 20s and early 30s, getting a date, sex, long-term relationship, etc. was as easy as firing up the app and letting a dozen men dance like monkeys for the chance to take her out.

By late 30s, this dynamic is gone for most women, and even starts reversing itself where by 40's, many men - and not just the "alphas" or gay men who also had an easy time in their younger years - have a lot more power in the dating market, though mostly because they aren't so beholden to their hormones, and can make decisions based on what benefits a particular women and relationship brings to his life. In most cases, the negatives outweigh the positives, and thus women and gay men now get to experience the same odds that most men dealt with all their life.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#363

Post by wppick »

Take it one day at a time. I have been overweight pretty much my whole life, and recently lost about 30 lbs. You have to just take these things a day at a time. You aren't going to lose 30 lbs in a day, a week, or even a month. You need to make sure EVERY day is a victory moving you closer to your goal. For me that was controlling what I ate to make sure I was in a calorie deficit. For you this could be something like meeting/talking to a new person EVERY DAY to build your network, or studying a certain amount of hours per day, etc. If you let one day slip, then you will let another slip, so you have to make the effort to keep disciplined. The second thing is tracking that you are on the right path. Again for me that was using a weight scale, but you should define your own metrics. Good luck, and start TODAY!

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#364

Post by adamc »

mradek wrote: post #77
kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

If you live in a metro area, look for hospitals that run CBT/DBT/group therapy sessions. That's another way to get started. If you have insurance, that helps.

If you don't have insurance, consider looking at your background and find a 12-step program that fits. ACA (adult children of alcoholics, but it also considers family dysfunction) is one example. It doesn't benefit from having a trained therapist, but it's effectively free group therapy.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#365

Post by robertlagrant »

vegabook wrote: post #341
ogou wrote: post #117

Yes. I turned my life around at 43. Single, obsolete tech skills, lots of debt, personal issues. Began with taking a genuine inventory of my life and how I function, not just how I felt. I picked a constructive and structured approach to that, which looked a lot like CBT therapy but was something else. It was a life reset, clearing out all the baggage. It was very difficult but incremental and genuine over time. Afte…

I'm 52. My life was a total mess, and I'm talking messed up relationships with my family, smoking like a chimney, debts, drinking and more . I cannot agree more that it is not the destination that gets you out of it, it's the courage to start the journey. Once you face the realities, deeply own them, and then genuinely change your day-to-day behaviour, things miraculously start happening even before you've cleared ou…

> IE stop dreaming and giving in to curiosity, and learn one or two hard skills really well. T-shaped skills basically. No reason not to stay curious - helps you decide on the next vertical bar in the T. But don't waste too much time on breadth - also focus on depth so that at your later age, you'll still feel high confidence in yourself in this area even against the younger guns.

This is exactly it. Finding something on which you can speak with authority is extremely valuable. Every third graduate coming out of university has been taught to sound confident from day 1. You can provide substance.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#366

Post by mberning »

vjulian wrote: post #316

No offense to the reply, but “need a therapist” is a very American response and a bit of a cop out. OP, I’ve seen many people turn around after aged 40, including a friend who got married for the first time at aged 58. She’s energetic and attractive and incidentally also turned her life around after 40. My two pennies would suggest you throw the past expectations out the window, determine where your passions lie, and…

I agree 100%. It can help some people, but it's not a panacea. I have known people that went to therapists for years and didn't really make any progress. And some people arguably get worse. For example, what's the benefit of a therapist that gives you the illusion of making progress and you stay in a poor relationship longer than you otherwise would. That actually happened to someone I know. They stayed in a relationship for years trying to "fix" things. Then within a year they left their crappy situation, met someone way better, and is happier than ever. Be careful with seeing a therapist. And be very careful recommending them to people. I think a lot of people doing the recommending don't actually have first hand experience with it.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#367

Post by Joel_Mckay »

"With every passing day, I am becoming more bitter, angry and disillusioned. I don't want to live like this anymore,"

Sounds like you are ready to talk with a therapist, and should watch less media (stress induced cortisol levels are worse than smoking for mortality). An introspective opportunity many folks often leave unexplored.

Philosophically, one needs to escape the idea there is a perfect version of themselves in the future. Happiness is often finding a balance between a meaningful life, and a productive role.

Due to the events in the past few years, people have been given insight into perspective questions much earlier in their careers than normal.

The first step is often literally taking a brisk walk for 20 minutes at the end of your day. Thus, partitioning the business day from home life in a healthy way. If you no longer travel much, a rescue dog can help get people outside more often too.

Maybe a tour of the Starrett factory would be fun, as metrology is what separates us from the apes.

Best of luck =)

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#368

Post by jmartrican »

Two things come to mind that help me get through tough times.

1) Having purpose helps keep my sanity. But how do we define purpose. In a world with a certain percentage of sociopaths and self interested people, I find purpose in just being a decent human. I find purpose in small things, in being one of the good guys that does not actively hurt society and others. This might be running an errand for a friend or family. Paying my taxes. Selecting which products to buy (help society by choosing the winning products that survive and which die out). Abiding by laws. I do not need to solve world peace to feel like I am living purposeful life.

2) Somewhere on the Internet I saw a story about an elderly man who was real happy or something like that. When a man asked him how does he stay so happy in old age, he answered that he has a strong belief that his best days are always ahead of him. How can that be? If you are retired how can your best days be ahead of you. I dont know really, but if you consider my first point, and also treat it as something you strive for. Your best days might be being a decent friend, putting your finances in order, cleaning the sidewalk in your neighborhood, volunteering... again, does not have to be solving world peace. But what is important is the mindset that you always have much more to give, even in old age.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#369

Post by robertlagrant »

dweekly wrote: post #326
nsxwolf wrote: post #152

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, men can circumvent fertility issues by dating younger. I know two 40+ men who started families with 20+ women, and so far so good.

Starting a family with twenty spouses sounds like a lot of work, honestly.

Well, that's why there were two of them.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#370

Post by oezi »

necovek wrote: post #10

I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardles…

I agree that starting a family is very much still a possibility but also would suggest that it doesn't have part of a solution. Marriage and kids bring their own challenges and make any turn-around much harder.

I think solving your personal issues and the job should come first.

Post reply on HN