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Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

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Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#361

Post by cr0sh »

collyw wrote: post #340
NeutralCrane wrote: post #254

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No offense, but I mean this, earnestly: get over yourself. If you talk to a person, and the conversation is dull, they might be a boring person. If most of the people you talk to seem boring, then you are the boring person . You bemoan that you find almost everyone a "paper shell". And yet you are the one who has restricted your opinion of interesting people and topics with a PhD attached to it. You dismiss pursuits…

That's pretty much what I wanted to say, but am not eloquent enough to put it in to words.

Same here; While I probably could have wrote as much, because brevity is not my thing usually (anyone here regularly has probably seen some of the chapters of my future book /s)...

What I really wanted to say was "this post needs to be put on /r/iamverysmart" - but even that doesn't convey what really needed to be said.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#362

Post by cr0sh »

ak39 wrote: post #273
TheArcane wrote: post #266

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is the only proper response to OP's throwaway rant. If you find a problem with most people you meet, the problem's probably with you.

Well, there are only two ways to respond to such comments: 1. The inky "proper" way (as you say) 2. Complete and utter lack of words to respond. Is there anything in between? Doubt it.

As I noted earlier, take a screenshot and post it on "/r/iamverysmart" - then crosslink it back to this thread.

Though that would probably be downvoted to oblivion here; you might even get banned - not sure if that's considered "against the rules" of HN or just "really bad taste"? I kinda suspect the latter, and probably a warning from a mod or two...

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#363

Post by cnees »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Ask not how they can give you a rich experience, but how you can try to give them one.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#364

Post by cr0sh »

MiroF wrote: post #302
wesammikhail wrote: post #272

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure how this is helpful to the parent comment. > If you talk to a person, and the conversation is dull, they might be a boring person. If most of the people you talk to seem boring, then you are the boring person. And I don´t really understand how you can come to that conclusion. That´s like 2+2 = duck In fact, > have limited relevant context outside your very limited definition of what is interesting If the per…

> Some people are not interested in those pursuits and they are, in comparison, very "pedestrian" in terms of complexity. Now I enjoy all things related to food for example, but I would stab myself in the ears if I had to talk to people about their eating habits for more than 30 seconds once every 13 years. There's no depth or complexity to non-PhD-esque pursuits and interests? I moved from Reddit to HN because comme…

> I moved from Reddit to HN because commentators here seemed more self-aware.

As someone who has participated in discussion forums of one type or another since the 1980s on dialup BBSs - let's just say it always devolves into a mess, and you'll never find real satisfaction, no matter how many times or where you jump to.

Rather than try to find the perfect forum or discussion, enjoy it for what it is, and take an anthropological view of things at times, especially when it gets heated or crazy. If you can detach yourself from the discussion in an objective manner, things can become more enlightening and entertaining at times.

Even so - sometimes all you can do is shake your head, close the thread, and go get yourself a stiff drink.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#365

Post by tomxor »

kevstev wrote: post #355
tomxor wrote: post #277

This is going to sound absurdly simple: empathise more often. Everyone can do it, but not everyone does it. If you make an effort to actually imagine yourself in others shoes, your boss and your colleagues, and then feel it... Do this especially whenever any negative emotions or uncertainty appear in response to a colleagues actions or words. I think all of the so called "people skills" are just side effects by compa…

This has been the hardest for me- Some people are truly incompetent. The VAST majority are not though. They are solving the problem in the most optimal way they see fit for the constraints given to them. Constraints that you may have no awareness of, and not understanding of. Some of those constraints may not seem rational- "We have to get this out the door by next week." What you may not have a full understanding of…

> Constraints that you may have no awareness of, and not understanding of. Some of those constraints may not seem rational- "We have to get this out the door by next week." [...] that feature is going to bring in an extra 50k a week of revenue, it makes a TON of sense in that case to just hack it together and throw it out the door.

Yes, I've encountered many variants of this scenario coming from above.

My efforts to empathise then usually evolve into a one-to-one meeting to understand the reasons for such a demand and it's importance, and to explain the technical costs for a decision which seems like a technically bad choice. Usually the result is a shared understanding of this being something that does not improve the product or thing (especially long term), but is purely a short term business decision - With that understanding it's far easier between the two of you to decide if the cost is worth it, or, if there is an alternative, or, if there is a compromise, or, in the worst case if there is a long term strategy that can reverse the technical cost while satisfying the business demands in the short term.

... but it all comes from trying to understand each other, and it doesn't have to be about negative things, it's even better when applied to all interaction and requests coming your way.

Particularly when people ask for things, almost always you can suggest a better solution. It's the classic "but what do you really want", lost of good stack overflow answers come in this form, but it applies to more than just technical domains.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#366

Post by logfromblammo »

brankoB wrote: post #93
onion2k wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That doesn't matter though. The point of plussing is about how you word your criticism so people don't feel the need to be defensive or antagonistic. If there's a problem that can't be solved for a while there's world of difference between saying "Your code is wrong. This is a problem we can't solve for weeks." and "You've made a great start and this code is going to be really useful as a foundation to build on, but…

What if the code is absolutely terrible and needs to be scrapped ASAP?

"It works well enough now to be left alone entirely while we develop a parallel codebase to replace it."

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#367

Post by criddell »

asdfman123 wrote: post #348
criddell wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I bought my guitar in 1996 and have taken lessons 4 different times since then. The last stint of weekly lessons I had was last year for a few months. I've recently signed up for Fender's service and it's pretty good. I'm decent at switching between the basic open chord shapes, can barre some of those shapes fairly consistently, know power chords on the low E and A strings, and know a couple of scales fairly well (pe…

Oh, also I believe we have the same taste in music. I've learned how to play both About a Girl AND Drivin' on Nine on guitar. Also, I saw the latter song in some venue in San Francisco in 2008. It was sublime. I almost got a chance to interview Kim Deal for my college radio show before the concert, but they backed out.

Since we like some of the same music, I'd love any suggestions you have for other easy songs that are fun to play.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#368

Post by asveikau »

cannonedhamster wrote: post #68
asveikau wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It can be tricky when the high-ups are a-holes.

Sadly the higher up you go, the higher the likelihood you'll be dealing with sociopaths and psychopaths. While sociopaths can be very effective executives, psychopaths should always be watched it for as they thrive on the drama and power. Sociopaths just lack empathy which makes them highly useful in making emotionally difficult decisions. For a Star Trek reference sociopaths act like Vulcans when it comes to empathy…

I used to get upset over and armchair-diagnose sociopaths and narcissists quite a bit. I realized after a time that I feel better when I afford them sympathy. We can get out of shape about how they are internally miscalibrated and how they do others harm - it's all true. But they are still valid people with something to show us, worthy of forgiveness rather than harm or revenge.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#369

Post by spodek »

blablablerg wrote: post #237
spodek wrote: post #232

After my PhD in physics, I learned starting a company that I needed such skills and devoted myself to learning them. Now I teach the social and emotional skills underlying leadership, entrepreneurship, and initiative at NYU (student reviews: http://joshuaspodek.com/this-is-one-of-the-greatest-classes-... and videos of them describing the courses: http://joshuaspodek.com/nyu-students-speak-joshua-spodeks ). I made boo…

Cool! Will check out.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#370

Post by asdfman123 »

criddell wrote: post #367
asdfman123 wrote: post #348

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh, also I believe we have the same taste in music. I've learned how to play both About a Girl AND Drivin' on Nine on guitar. Also, I saw the latter song in some venue in San Francisco in 2008. It was sublime. I almost got a chance to interview Kim Deal for my college radio show before the concert, but they backed out.

Since we like some of the same music, I'd love any suggestions you have for other easy songs that are fun to play.

Here are some songs that I find myself playing here and there:

Weezer - Mykel and Carli

The Shins - So Says I

Billy Bragg - Jailcell Blues (from Memaid Avenue)

Silver Jews - Random Rules

Silver Jews - The Wild Kindness (and a few others by them)

Radiohead - Lucky

Hank Williams - Lovesick Blues

Willie Nelson - Redheaded Stranger

Johnny Cash - I guess things happen that way

-------------------

Here are some harder ones that are fun, but I've added them for completion:

-------------------

Pixies - Caribou

Radiohead - Street Spirit

Beatles - Blackbird

Modest Mouse - Styrofoam boots/it's all nice on ice

And what got me good at fingerstyle guitar was my brief obsession with Elliott Smith's music. Like, I've memorized how to play about 10 of them. (Primarily Say Yes, Waltz #2, and Angeles...)

Okay, I think that just about does it. I've given away my entire internal mental state of my twenties.

Good luck with your guitar practice!

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