ACE 4
High IQ (top 4%), with extremely high verbal skills (top 0.1%).
Late twenties, veering on thirties. Depression, anxiety, dissociation, numbness, trying to regain vitality.
Parents separated when I was 7. I was bullied and almost completely alone at school. As a teenager I changed schools and that got considerably better; lost the only friend I made there when we both were 14. Escaped my father's house at 17. Almost commited suicide at 19, which led me to therapy, and some years later, medication. Got out of both after 3 and 5 years, respectively. After that I met my now ex girlfriend, who -I dare say- I allowed to cheat on me. I moved out of my mother's house upon finding a somewhat decent paying job -but not enough in and by itself- and with the compromise of both my parents to financially support me. That changed over time on my father's side, when he noticed that it was not going to give him my affection as a token of appreciation, and I believe I am trapped of sorts: I live by myself in a little flat in the city center, paying a rent that takes 50% of my take-home pay (yet is _way_ cheaper than current average). The whole ordeal (breaking up, moving out, new job), got me on the verge of suicide for a second time. Got back into therapy and medication. Got out of medication; still in therapy.
The main problem I can voice is/was my father. Mentally ill but functional. Gone through his fair share of bad things -lived under a dictatorial regime in which his family was not part of the 'good' side; was sexually abused; had no running water or electricity until he was 16; possibly autistic as well as high IQ-. He used me as his therapist, his close friend, his personal confessor, his fan, his shadow, his emotional companion. He would constantly talk trash about my mother and stepfather, and leave me to my own devices in order to work on his thesis, which took him like 15 years to complete as an adult.
I was bullied at school, so I had no friends nor social life to speak of. I was barely out of the house... As a teen, I had few acquaintances and lived in considerabe isolation too. I left uni halfway through because I panicked, since I didn't pass clean the second year and I felt guilty for it. Summer jobs helped immensely with social skills, so I was able to mask my depression and general negativity way more effectively.
Ended up with two associate degrees, one in Marketing and one in Web Development. Currently working in the government, doing nothing (well, I'm self-studying _How To Design Programs_, by Felleisen et al., in the ample time I have at my disposal), but I'm mediocre as a coder. Considering going into a role of Functional Analyst or Technical Sales because of my verbal and logical skills, and raw processing power, as well as an analytical and obssesive personality.
I can't shake off the feeling that I'm worthless, utter trash, irrelevant, insignificant, with no real world skills, late to the party in terms of love and job prospects. Sometimes I get so out of center that I put myself to bed through sheer catastrophizing.
Now, good things and findings.
My mother is fully supportive, even helps economically (that's so much luck) and we love each other. I love my little brother. Albeit I feel like a free floating particle socially speaking, that I don't belong anywhere, I can have quite meaningful relationships with my friends. I'm attractive, and it shows. I'm fit. I'm disciplined, and stick to a very virtuous -if surely isolating- daily routine. I take care of myself by going to therapy, training powerlifting, eating and sleep well, trying to level up my coding skills, reading and learning. I live in a beautiful city, full of services, and everything is at walking distance. No addictions.
Learning about trauma and complex PTSD has been a discrete improvement in both my vocabulary and my ability to relate to my past and current lived experience. I'm going to try an underground MDMA assisted therapy session -that I will have to pay with part of my emergency funds-, to see if I can get back in touch with my body and my emotions. I've gone from 0 to 1 in this sense (I went from feeling nothing to feeling something as my general way of living), I can tear up but can't really cry cathartically. I can explain what has been done to me, but I don't feel it out of deep seated, ancient, shame and fear.
I can recommend:
- Complex PTSD, Pete Walker
- The Tao of Fully Feeling, Pete Walker
- Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman
- The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller