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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#331

Post by darkwater »

arowthway wrote: post #327
geooff_ wrote: post #116

I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like. Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing. Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of l…

"With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends."* *Assuming you possess the necessary social skills. I've trained BJJ consistently for over 4 years now. I think fondly of all the people there and feel accepted, but we barely talk, and I'm unable to participate in the locker room camaraderie. This is probably not a problem OP has, I just felt the need to complain.

I think social skills are mostly just like any other skill: you have to practice them to get better at them. And while you might be more or less naturally gifted at any skill, there is a minimum level which every abled human out there can reach with some effort. You will never be a showman,a car seller or the king of the party but you can have interactions with other human beings and connect with some of them. Just like you can learn to play guitar, juggle 3 balls or do basic algebra.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#332

Post by jeswin »

There are so many useful snippets of good advice on this thread.

I'd like to mention sport again, but with an addition: find a sports coach you can afford. This changes sport from being a destination to a path, and you'll avoid injuries - which is something you'll need to be careful about as your grow older. Im in my mid 40s, for context.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#333

Post by Pinegulf »

There are plenty of good advice what to do. On the other hand don't do:

* Doomscroll on your phone, reddit, whatever. Social media is not your friend.

* Self medicate. Some commercial drugs are bad enough. This includes overeating.

* Get stuck binge watching.

Try things (if you can). You never know what you happen to like.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#334

Post by trashb »

I think there is already great advice in the comments.

This is my two cents.

Iterate and find a way to be comfortable with yourself, perhaps (re)try different things you used to like or try new things you like. If possible in a communal setting (for instance a introduction course in ...). It can be anything from learning a language to a artisan craft.

Mostly look for community you mention you like gaming, there are a lot of gaming related communities out there that are very welcoming!

Also try to go out of your way to leave your comfort zone, this will push you into situations that you are not getting into right now and that may lead to new opportunities.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#336

Post by thiago_fm »

Hi dude, sorry about this. Hope it is for the better.

What you are feeling is absolutely natural. If you lost somebody in your life(parents, grandparents), which you shared a lot of time with and enjoyed sharing your upsides and downsides, you'll feel like somebody took a part of you.

Whether that person was good for you or not, we have chemicals in our brains that want us to have friends and company, as this is what made our species be so successful! So, no need to overthink this, your brain is working exactly as it should.

As you like playing games, I'd recommend getting a copy of WoW Midnight, which just launched and giving it a try. It's a very sociable game and your first goal should be to get in a guild and find new friendships.

As everybody is 30+ in the game and actually average around your age, it'll be easy for you to find similar people to you.

My second recommendation is to look at your own interests, even stuff you left behind because of your partner.

For instance, I like climbing and even going bouldering solo might mean I'll make some friends along the way.

You need to do things that get you together with people. People will help you get healed.

Also if the climate allows take your dog for a walk to the park and try to consistently spend time there. This will net you company very quickly, but don't go so fast, let things take time.

I hope you find peace in your heart!

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#337

Post by akie »

rfc3092 wrote: post #295
Nursie wrote: post #287

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first. Err.... Are we talking about affording in time? Because from where I'm sitting once you have a bike it's free, where gyms need an ongoing subscription. Plus if someone (like OP) works from home, getting on their bike is likely easier and lower-friction.

> Are we talking about affording in time? Mostly weather. There are very few locations where “bike every day” is a reasonable statement. Consistency is key.

If the people in the Netherlands can do it - where it's flat, windy, and rainy most of the time - then most people in the US can also do it. If it's too hot, go in the mornings.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#338

Post by pknomad »

ZeroClickOk wrote: post #31

Two different perspectives: 1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason. 2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone". And one piece o…

> To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company.

I can absolutely stand by this statement after dating an avoidant. The constant push-pull drove me nuts and brought out the worst in me.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#339

Post by hjkl0 »

Pinegulf wrote: post #333

There are plenty of good advice what to do. On the other hand don't do: * Doomscroll on your phone, reddit, whatever. Social media is not your friend. * Self medicate. Some commercial drugs are bad enough. This includes overeating. * Get stuck binge watching. Try things (if you can). You never know what you happen to like.

FWIW, if you do do one of these things, make sure you don’t feel guilty for it.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#340

Post by seedie »

ventricity wrote: post #326
GLjEI4YbnGD27LB wrote: post #303

I see a lot of good advice here, and I'm going to be late but approach it from a different angle. If you've spent so much time with your spouse around, and now you're at home alone, and you're working remote, then you are going to need a lot of socialising outside of work, because remote work does not meet the same needs for seeing people in person (I've been there). Humans are social animals, we need some interactio…

Yes, I very much agree. I think it is irresponsible to take antidepressants for something that is clearly an issue of "normal" life scenarios like hearthbreak and loneliness. It is normal, but also very much fixable by gradually putting yourself out there.

Just because OP takes medication after a break up, doesn't mean it's a "normal" life situation for them. They could have suffered from depression before, it's not even clear if they started only after medication. The break up could also bring up some childhood trauma, like the loss of a loved one. What seems to be a normal life situation to someone might not be a normal life situation for someone else. I agree though that if no depression is diagnosed it's a bad idea to take antidepressants.
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