Ray Kroc founded McDonald at 52. Not great achievements before that. When I'm in your mood I try to relax, more outdoor and social activities.
Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
321–330 of 767 posts
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#322No offense to the reply, but “need a therapist” is a very American response and a bit of a cop out. OP, I’ve seen many people turn around after aged 40, including a friend who got married for the first time at aged 58. She’s energetic and attractive and incidentally also turned her life around after 40. My two pennies would suggest you throw the past expectations out the window, determine where your passions lie, and…
> No offense to the reply, but “need a therapist” is a very American response and a bit of a cop out.
Why?
I'd change it to "need a psychiatrist".
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#323You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…
Just keep in mind that therapists are vastly overrated and are designed to help you accept where you are.
Oh well, accepting who you are helps end a lot of internal struggles which leaves you with a bit of leftover bandwidth to improve ones life and enjoy small bits of it. What is wrong with that? If one goes to therapy with the expectation of becoming a complete different person they’d be sorely dissapointed.
Therapy can solve other issues too but one should first accept who they are
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#324I will tell you this, the best days are behind you only if you believe them to be. I know that sounds cliche but is honestly true. You have plenty of time left for all of the things you want to do. Here is where I might start theoretically if I was in your shoes.
1. Find yourself something social, a book club, chess club, anything that you can focus on and be around others. Humans are social animals this will help you get friends and network. If you can find something related to any interests you have even better. The internet != social interaction... period. There is no emoji which replaces a legitimate smile.
2. When or if you have the means do seek help but be picky about who you choose.
3. If you cant work on external circumstances work on yourself and how you respond to them. Read, study and examine yourself and the way you operate and then if you are unhappy take steps to change.
4. Journal daily, nothing profound just feelings and thoughts. Over time you will begin to see patterns in the way you act. This will help you see triggers and let you focus on developing better patterns in your life.
I myself am 43, this has worked for me. I am a practicing Stoic. Most of what I am saying comes from this philosophy. IT IS NOT FOR EVERYONE though and I am just a guy behind a comment on the internet so always be suspicious.
I wish you well my friend and I do hope you do great things.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#325The most important lesson for me in this area is this: I can only control today, and not every day is going to be a home run.
For me, trying to commit to big, sweeping, dramatic, permanent changes on a dime in my life has always resulted in failure and been a mistake. Whereas when I make a decision to make some small incremental progress/task today, and worry about re-committing tomorrow, tomorrow, I've had success.
Otherwise, I buckle under the burden of my own commitment and in failing, come to hate myself more and sabotage myself more.
After more or less discovering this on my own I found St. Alphonsus Liguori discussing this in his book Preparation for Death. In his case he's discussing the limited issue of the folly of making overly-sweeping spiritual commitments, but I find it true in the abstract.
* Also: I found that, there's a complicated problem where introspection can be immensely valuable, but can also turn into a selfish impulse, that sitting around thinking of yourself all day can produce no good fruit for yourself, and that getting out and doing charity can get you off that track. I was very depressed once and started volunteering at a soup kitchen every day. It didn't transform me into a happy person but it got my too-inwardly-focused thoughts out of a rut.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#326I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardles…
Also, men can circumvent fertility issues by dating younger. I know two 40+ men who started families with 20+ women, and so far so good.
Starting a family with twenty spouses sounds like a lot of work, honestly.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#327First, way to go! You've chosen to be vulnerable, and that is a great first step. Second, get a therapist. It may seem expensive, and not helpful at first, but as I'm sure you already felt in writing this post, just talking about your thoughts and issues really does help. Third, it's NEVER too late. I'm 42 and learning and growing daily. I've had to change a lot in the last decade to remain 1) relevant, and 2) in the…
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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#328I think I can at least somewhat understand your position, despite still being in my 30s myself, and want to try and help despite my inexperience. First thing, to answer the question in your post title: I know of people who have, I know many people who are in the addiction/recovery scene, and although I have a very pessimistic outlook on the chances of full/real recover for such issues, I do know at least a couple cas…
If you choose to reply, I have a few questions just to get an idea of where your at.
In my opinion, all that stuff "healthy"/functioning people say to depressed people is technically correct, but completely missing the point and ignorant of the real problems(through no fault of their own of course, because how could they know?)
e.g. "being happy is a choice", "you just need exercise and sunlight!", "fake it till you make it", "perspective if everything, if you focus on the positives instead of the negatives you won't feel so bad", etc.. I could go on forever with those. If a severely depressed/suicidal person were able to do all of those things, it's true they wouldn't be depressed, but they usually can't, and in the few cases where they do it's often done without the belief and commitment necessary to make it effective. Not doing those things isn't the root problem IMO, the root problem is the thing that makes it impossible to follow all that advice. I think this is especially true for people who are NEETS or who have similar lifestyles to a NEET.
The question I wanted to ask though, is what is your current perspective on this type of advice? Do you do the things they say, do you attempt to, do you believe it could work, have you tried and failed to do those things?
And secondly, what is your outlook on life itself? Do you have meaning in your life, whether spiritual, religious or otherwise(personally I believe there are plenty of ways to find meaning outside of religion and whatnot, if you have something to believe in that's a good starting point though. If not, are you are a non-religious and non-spiritual person with materialistic or very scientific, or even nihilistic perspectives towards life?
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#329Earlier quoted context omitted.
One thing to note is that while Germany is much better if you need social services, it's much easier to move between classes in the US. It's very hard to move up in German society without the right social circles which are also much more exclusive than in the US or London. That said, while therapy is one thing(and very hard to find someone that actually helps you out of your misery instead of reinforcing it), I'd may…
Is therapy better in Germany? I live in Hamburg and the waiting list is more than a year for therapy. I was under the impression that it is somewhat faster in the US When I lived in the UK they wouldn’t offer me even a waiting list
Having worked in Germany's healthcare system, specifically in Hamburg, I can only see one trajectory. Worse. The policymakers are deeply corrupt and doing everything they can to squeeze more money out of patients.
You can book therapists online next week in the US, but they're not cheap.
Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
#330What's your preferred medium (one-on-one conversation, book, audiobook, podcast, article, etc.)?