Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#301

Post by ddayday » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:48 PM UTC

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

I can relate in a sense but I remind myself often that I should be very grateful that the legacy of the enlightenment period meant there was a greater chance I would live a fulfilling life with a good education. I'm grateful to the people who worked to share knowledge and education through the intervening centuries. I'm grateful those people didn't think of those less fortunate to be paper shells not worthy of their time.

If I'm not trying to live up to that standard, at least in how I treat others, or if I'm unable to learn a lesson about peoples potential from that, then I am probably not seeing the bigger picture.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#302

Post by MiroF » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:49 PM UTC

wesammikhail wrote: post #272

NeutralCrane wrote: post #254

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No offense, but I mean this, earnestly: get over yourself. If you talk to a person, and the conversation is dull, they might be a boring person. If most of the people you talk to seem boring, then you are the boring person . You bemoan that you find almost everyone a "paper shell". And yet you are the one who has restricted your opinion of interesting people and topics with a PhD attached to it. You dismiss pursuits…

Not sure how this is helpful to the parent comment. > If you talk to a person, and the conversation is dull, they might be a boring person. If most of the people you talk to seem boring, then you are the boring person. And I don´t really understand how you can come to that conclusion. That´s like 2+2 = duck In fact, > have limited relevant context outside your very limited definition of what is interesting If the per…

> Some people are not interested in those pursuits and they are, in comparison, very "pedestrian" in terms of complexity. Now I enjoy all things related to food for example, but I would stab myself in the ears if I had to talk to people about their eating habits for more than 30 seconds once every 13 years.

There's no depth or complexity to non-PhD-esque pursuits and interests?

I moved from Reddit to HN because commentators here seemed more self-aware. It's threads like these that really make me question that decision.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#303

Post by tdb7893 » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:50 PM UTC

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

It sounds like you have a very narrow set of interests and are calling other people boring for not having the same interests. You either need to broaden your interests, which sounds unlikely to me, or just accept the fact that you'll never be that personable and this advice isn't for you.

Edit: I find people generally interesting so it's easier for me to find specific people interesting. If you dig a layer deeper and try to figure out why people have that religiosity or consumerism it can be fascinating.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#304

Post by ryanmercer » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:51 PM UTC

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

>I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell

Wow, so wasting years and years of your life studying texts and churning out reworded content about those texts, instead of having life experiences makes someone more interesting to you?

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#305

Post by jpwgarrison » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:52 PM UTC

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

> It's like you try to peel back a single layer of why people believe what they believe and there's nothing there.

I'd like you to consider that something in your manner of "peeling back" is causing people to block you out

If I get the impression someone has pre-judged me or is generally disagreeable, I don't feed the bear. I just don't care what they think and if looking dumb gets me out of that conversation quickly that is fine by me.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#306

Post by InvaderFizz » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:52 PM UTC

username90 wrote: post #115

isoprophlex wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Don't you envy people that never overthink things? People that enjoy the sensory experience of slobbering on a glass of wine? Playing sports for the sake of it? Try empathy. These are humans too. They have their reasons for living their 'distasteful' lives. I think it's you who's only got one note on their tune, not everyone around you. If, in traffic, everybody is honking at you, do you think all of them are bad dri…

> Try empathy. Empathy sucks, I am pretty sure I would be a lot nicer and outgoing if I were less empathetic. You see people struggle with things all the time but you can't do anything about it. All empathy leads to in those situations is suffering because you feel their emotions. In my opinion people who are outgoing and friendly often have low empathy, they ignore basically everything and just put on their default…

I'm not religious, but I find the following an incredibly useful quote that becomes easier to accept with age:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#307

Post by raj_khare » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:52 PM UTC

Recursion. I see it everywhere

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#308

Post by vectorEQ » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:54 PM UTC

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

getting along with people and linking them or finding them interesting is different things.

getting along with people at work generally entails (for everyone) to laugh at jokes you don't find funny, and be ok with behaviours you wouldn't accept from 'friends'. That's life, learning to live with people daily. it's one of the most valuable things you can learn, to get along with people even if you don't like them or have no interest in them.

Just remember being nice and helpful doesn't mean you need to be someone's friend. you can be nice and helpful to everyone you meet and still dislike them or find them uninteresting. it's just making life easier / causing less friction daily.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#309

Post by jdavis703 » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:56 PM UTC

badpun wrote: post #241

jdavis703 wrote: post #15

I was homeschooled from grades K-12 (for those outside the U.S. essentially from age 5 to 18) which in and of itself leads to poorly developed social skills. But I also have ADD. One of the symptoms of ADD is poor impulse control and rejection sensitivity which leads to issues with "emotional intelligence." So I would advise anyone, if you suspect you may have adult ADD, talk to a physciatrist and figure it out. Fixi…

> poor impulse control and rejection sensitivity > Fixing underlying mental health problems will improve your professional and personal life! To what degree these are fixable though? I've always though of these as just people having different personalities and tempers, out of which some are unfortunately very hard to live with. I'm not sure if we can change our personalities to a significant degree. Happy to be prove…

Something that might seem trivial like a sleight at work, a driver cutting me off, or somebody bumping in to me feels like a deliberate, personal attack. Therapuetics can reduce that (at least for me), which means I'm more likely to respond to a given situation with a proportionate response, i.e. ignoring the situation or addressing the root cause.

I have read some articles that this is related to ADD causing a state of hyperarousal, but I'm having a hard time finding genuine medical research on this theory. If the theory is true, it would hold that reducing hyperarousal reduces the magnitude of angry feelings for a given situation.

Also, I believe that we can change our personalities. As I've gone to therapy, integrated mindfulness and attempted to get mental health issues resolved I've seen my personality on the Myers-Briggs test alter over time. While I realize Myers-Briggs has a lot of faults, it's the professionally administered personality test that goes back the longest for me so it's an informative baseline.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#310

Post by world32 » Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 2:57 PM UTC

wesammikhail wrote: post #272

NeutralCrane wrote: post #254

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No offense, but I mean this, earnestly: get over yourself. If you talk to a person, and the conversation is dull, they might be a boring person. If most of the people you talk to seem boring, then you are the boring person . You bemoan that you find almost everyone a "paper shell". And yet you are the one who has restricted your opinion of interesting people and topics with a PhD attached to it. You dismiss pursuits…

Not sure how this is helpful to the parent comment. > If you talk to a person, and the conversation is dull, they might be a boring person. If most of the people you talk to seem boring, then you are the boring person. And I don´t really understand how you can come to that conclusion. That´s like 2+2 = duck In fact, > have limited relevant context outside your very limited definition of what is interesting If the per…

> Asking him to change his personality and what he "enjoys" just so that he can fit in is so absurd to me because it hints at the idea that you should surrender your individuality in order to fit in with the group.

I think you are completely misinterpreting the comment your responding to. That's really not what he said at all. You are essentially take what is a thoughtful suggestion to try and see beyond your prejudices/preconceived notions and turning it into a dumbed down "Just be like normal like everybody else" kind of statement.

But perhaps you do not like the post because maybe you are also one of these "I am smart and interesting and clever and everybody else is a dull, dumb, zombie" types? I might be wrong but I would guess that thats the case.